The Blonde Blogette

the bachelor week 5: a league of their own

2012-02-01T20:27:00.013-05:00

The drama factor is already on the rise as the girls and Ben land in Puerto Rico this week. Dr. Emily admits she's still a little obsessed with Courtney's behavior; while Courtney, wearing a t-shirt that declares, "BE NICE!" warns the cameras that if Emily tries to cross her, she will not hesitate to make Emily look like a fool.

Read the shirt, folks.

C-Hare explains that everyone gets a date this week and drops off the first card before hitting the beach for the week.

One-on-One Date 1: Helicopter Date 2

Brunette #3 reads the date card, addressed to Nicki, in some pretty choppy Spanish. ( I couldn't have done any better; I studied the extremely useful language of La France.)

"I wish I knew Spanish!!!" Nicki squeals. "Who can translate?"

Amidst a sea of stony stares, Dr. Emily valiantly offers us the English meaning: "Let's find new love in old San Juan."

In a helicopter.

Ben and Nicki's first stop in Old San Juan is...PIRAGUA!!!

No sooner do they get their frozen treats than Nicki's poor little tie-died one-shoulder dealy gets soaked in the rain. "It's raining gatos!" bilingual Ben declares as he notes Nicki's positive attitude and improvises -- time to go shopping for dry clothes!

Nicki gushes at Ben's "moo-ee, moo-ee, MOOO-ee caliente" white linen threads. But another white outfit catches her eye as they walk past a church where a wedding has just commenced. This brings up Nicki's divorce and her relationship goals post-first marriage. Nicki and Ben bond over the concept of second chances; she wants another chance to walk down the aisle and Ben wants another nationally televised proposal. Ben offers Nicki the date rose.

Our boy Ben digs the brunettes.

Group Date: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend (and Helicopter Date 3)

Lind-Z, Courtney, Red, Kacie B., Dr. Emily, Rachel, Bored Casey, Brunette #3, and Blakely are picked for the group date.

This means, by process of elimination, Elyse is going on the second one-on-one date.

Some of the girls are a bit miffed to find out today's date takes place at a baseball diamond rather than a jewelry store. However, Blakely is stoked -- she played in high school and college (what is this girl's story?! She was a college athlete, she knows her way around a head of highlights, and she's a VIP cocktail waitress?!)

After the girls have been run through their warm-ups, C-Hare arrives to announce that Everything. Is about. To change!

The winning team of today's game will get to continue the date with Ben tonight; the losing team hits the showers back at the hotel. But because there is an uneven number of girls, one girl will get to play for both teams.

Aww, where is Monica when you need her?

Ben is burdened with the task of choosing the girl who will play for both sides, and he elects Lind-Z. Courtney and Blakely are then chosen as the captains. Nice, producers. Nice.

Thanks to Blakely's superstar playing on the Blue Team and Kacie B's coaching on the Red Team (mostly consisting of yelling, "Bitches!!!"), the game comes down to a tie. But when our favorite Gingey strikes out, the Red Team clenches the win. And to rub salt in the wounds of the Blue Team, the ABC producers send a helicopter to pick up the winners while the dejected Blue Team climbs back aboard the school bus.

Ben is a little relieved to have the group date narrowed down to Kacie B, Bored Casey, Courtney, Lind-Z, and Brunette #3. Meanwhile, Courtney is sizing up her competition and decides if she has to pretend to compete with these other losers any longer, her head is gonna pop off. After Ben awards the group date rose to Kacie B, Courtney requests alone time with him to whine about how much she hates group dates and suggest that they go skinny-dipping in the ocean. Ben starts sweating bullets and escorts Courtney back to the group before sighing in exasperation to the camera that he doesn't even know where to start with this one.

One on One Date 2: I Like You a Yacht

OK, so the date card said something about going someplace private, but it should have said, "Elyse, I like you a yacht!"

Right?

Getting to the bottom of m'wine glass...

So here's what we know about Elyse: she got her Master's degree, moved to Florida, got a job she loved, and found a boyfriend she wanted to marry. When that didn't work out, she quit her job and missed being a bridesmaid in her best friend's wedding so she could be a contestant on the Bachelor Pad 3 Casting Competition and Travel Show.

What the what?!

After learning all of this on the yacht, Ben suggests they jump off the boat and swim ashore, where they change into formal wear for dinner. Ben has taken some time while tying his bowtie to think through Elyse's past, and now he digs in to find out whether Elyse is here just because she's sick of being single or because she really feels a connection with him.

I have to say, Ben is being pretty perceptive here. I would be a little wary of someone who says they've accomplished everything they wanted to as a single person and has chucked all of that away now that she wants to be in a relationship.

Elyse does not help her cause when she follows up with her "sick of being single" remark by complaining about how much it sucks to see other girls come home with date roses while she's had to wait in the wings. But Ben finally lays it out for her; there's nothing here for the two of them. As unfair as it may seem, Elyse is simply too far behind to catch up with the other girls now.

Ben walks Elyse down the beach while she asks through her tears what she did wrong; then she climbs into a rubber dinghy (so cruel, ABC producers) as Ben discards her unearned rose into the sea.

And it's washed right back up on shore again. Wrong tide, production crew!

Back at the bachelorette suite, the girls fa-reeeak when Elyse's suitcase is taken from by the door. This sheesh just got real, y'all.

Courtney has less-than-charitable words to say about Elyse's elimination, which does not sit well with the rest of the gals. But Courtney sees Elyse's departure as an open door for her skinny-dipping offer.

She arrives at Ben's hotel door...wearing nothing but her white hotel robe, carrying a wine bottle and two glasses that she nicked from the associate producer's traveling stock. Ben admits that he immediately realizes this is probably a baaaad idea.

But it is a one-time offer.

Thirteen seconds later, Ben's and Courtney's bodies are being fuzzed out by the ABC editors as they toss all their white clothes on the beach and scamper into the ocean.

I feel like I just watched a bad '90s music video.

How does Courtney feel?

Rose Ceremony

Going into tonight's cockatail party, Ben says he is feeling kind of crappy about what happened with Courtney.

In other words, he feels like a little slut.

Time to make it up to the other ladies by having lots of kissy times with them tonight!

Courtney is so please with herself that she almost can't keep her skinny-dipping date with Ben a secret any longer. She basically tries to get the girls to guess what she did during a game of Never Have I Ever.

Meanwhile, Dr. Emily tries to smooth things over by apologizing to Ben for her campaign against Courtney...and then goes right back to telling him Courtney is a weirdo.

Uh-oh! Ben is not happy with that. Especially since if Emily's right, Ben has to admit to himself that he just engaged in some less-than-classy shenanigans on national TV with this season's token nutjob. He tells Emily to back the frack off.

"I think he hates me," Emily whimpers as she returns to the fold.

Roses go to...
Lind-Z
Brunette #3
Chill Rachel
Courtney
Bored Casey
Blakely
Emily

Wow! I was not expecting that. I guess the producers' desire to keep the Emily/Courtney rivalry alive overpowered Ben's sweet connection with Red. I mean, come on! She was even so gracious about leaving. I just love this girl!!! It ok! Don't be cry!

Coming up...

Ben and the ladies are headed to Panama! There will be more helicopters, more boats, more kissing, and a very serious announcement from C-Hare that is going to make Boring Casey really sad!

Plus, later this season the rest of the girls join the Anti-Courtney campaign. And for the first time in Bachelor history, the witch hunt strategy might actually work!

See ya next time,

Lisa ;)

the bachelor week 4: fishers of men

2012-01-25T19:22:00.011-05:00

Ben has spirited the girls away to Utah for some outdoorsy fun. But the wide open spaces may not be big enough for Courtney, her ego, and the rest of the gals.

C-Hare, dressed in his L.L. Bean best, greets the girls at their Park City, Utah resort and hand-delivers the first one-on-one date card. But before bidding the ladies adieu, he warns them to make the most of their time with Ben. “Don’t talk about the weather!” he admonishes before dropping the date card like a ticking bomb and getting the hell outta there.

One-on-One Date 1: Just Around the Riverbend
Chill Rachel is the happy recipient of the date card; meanwhile, Kacie B. is quickly on her way down that First One-on-One Date tailspin of mental instability that we veteran viewers know all too well.

Come on, girl. Suck it up, Buttercup.

But alllllll the ladies turn a little green with envy when Ben shows up with Rachel’s ride…you guessed it! A helicopter!

After landing, Ben and Rachel pack their pic-a-nic basket into the back of a canoe for what quickly becomes a makeout session in the middle of the lake. Once they separate their faces from each other and climb ashore for lunch, however, Rachel starts to struggle for conversation topics. She comments on how pretty the lake is, how nice the fresh air is, and how much the sun is making her squint.

Rachel! Don’t you remember C-Hare's specific instructions?! Don’t talk about the weather!!!

As night falls, the conversation fails to flow any more freely because Chill Rachel is totally buggin’. She’s so nervous that she clams up and can’t do any of the things she’d normally do, like strut around in her cutest little outfits and send herself flowers and candy. She can't do that stuff with Ben.

Name that movie. Quick!

During dinner in a fancy little wigwam that poor Ben jokes he constructed himself, he realizes that Rachel isn’t really warming up to him. He starts to roll out what is without a doubt meant to be his goodbye speech:

Ben: You know how earlier you said if you weren’t in a relationship for the long haul, it wasn’t really worth it?
Rachel: Yeah. This fire’s hot.
Lisa: Even indoors, she’s commenting on the weather! Wake up, Rachel!
Ben: So, I’m trying to trust my gut but…I don’t know…

Suddenly something happens. I don’t know if Chill Rachel was stung by a tiny bee, or if someone on the production crew put a pine cone in her seat, but out of nowhere she comes to life and starts saying important things.

Rachel: Oh! By the way, I’ve always been really bad at telling people what I’m thinking. I suck at communication. I really like you, though, and I want to open up to you so please ask if you want me to tell you something.
Ben: Oh! OK, cool! Well, here’s a rose…

Group Date: Come on, Get in the Boat, Fish!

Jamie, Bored Casey, Blakely, Lin-Z, Miss Pacific Palisades, Nicki, Kacie B., and Model Courtney are all chosen to become fishers of men. Meanwhile, Emily confesses she’s glad Courtney is going on the group date so she can reveal to Ben what a sociopath she really is.

The gaggle of gals are deserted someplace in the middle of the mountains, where Ben meets them riding up on his steed. Literally. Horses are then trotted out for the girls, and they all gallop out to a mountain stream where boots and waders are laid out for them on the bank. Time to catch some lunch!

Ben offers fly fishing lessons to each of the girls. Courtney observes the lack of game the other women have, and reveals her fishing philosophy to the camera:
“I don’t know anything about fishing. But catching a fish can’t be much harder than catching a man. I’m good at that.”

As someone who DOES have a lot of fishing experience, I would say that compared to fish, catching a man is more like getting a dog to lick your face after you’ve eaten a plate of greasy bacon. Fish are much more elusive. To catch a fish, you have to be in the right place at the right time with the right conditions, bring lots of brightly colored, sparkly little covers for your bait, and exercise technique, poise, and a positive attitude even when you go home empty-handed. Trying to catch a fish is more like trying to win a pageant.

We’ll see who does better on this date – Courtney, or Miss Pacific Palisades.

It turns out, though, that Kacie B. has got a little game herself. She uses her fishing lesson time with Ben to cuddle into his arms a little bit and put her hands in his. But as soon as he leaves, she goes back to pouting in the middle of the river.

Kacie! C’mon!!! I believed in you! Ugghhhh…

Courtney decides she’s put up with the amateurs long enough and steals Ben away to another bend in the river. Ben is completely enamored with her ability to fit into the environment, and next thing you know, Courtney’s got a fish on the line!

I call BS, ABC producers. That was a plant. Someone had that fish on standby in a Styrofoam bucket.

Lind-Z is pissed because she is the outdoorsy girl of the group:

“How did Courtney catch a fish and I didn’t? What. The hell.”

Courtney celebrates being chosen to have the standby fish hooked to her line, and she makes a show of squealing with disgust at the fish while also cooing to Ben about how cute “he” is. Ugh, and now she’s holding it by the TAIL?!!! Yep, that thing is dead.

Courtney slings her dead fish around in the rest of the girls’ faces, and they all slosh dejectedly down the river toward their next group date activity – a pool party at the Waldorf Astoria.

Ben pulls Bored Casey aside for some one-on-one time, during which Bored Casey tries to act interested in the four times Ben’s been in love in his life. Nicki interrupts to tell Ben how thankful she is that she’s been invited out on every group date. She and Ben trade stories of losing friends and bosses days before taping began for the show, and they are at the peak of a memorable moment when Miss Pacific Palisades steals the show.

Pacific Palisades: So, I’ve been on three group dates, and I need to know what that means!
Ben: Well, do you think you feel a connection between us?
PP: I mean, that’s what I need to know from you – I feel like I need more time, and I just don’t get what you see in these group dates.
Lisa: How did she win a pageant?! What is her talent...neediness?
Ben: Honestly, I feel like on the group dates you always get really emotional. And since you’re a seasoned pageant participant, I know you’re trained better than that. I’m not impressed. I think you’re not here for the right reasons.
PP: No, I am here for the right reasons! I want to be on Bachelor Pad! I mean, I’m here to be strung along and ultimately dumped by you so I can be on Bachelor Pad! I mean –
Lisa: Uh-oh! She's not scoring high in interview!
Ben: See, this is why you’re on group dates. And you know what…I can’t even pretend to be interested in you long enough to keep eye contact with you for this conversation. Let’s just end this now.

Ben marches Miss Pacific Palisades, her sash, and her pink suitcase off to the car. See you on the Bachelor Pad, Pacific Palisades!

True to form so far, Ben takes some extra-special one-on-one time with Kacie B. during the group date for some makey-outey time on his couch. Ben is refreshingly transparent about the strength of his feelings for Kacie B. this early in the game. “I’m in trouble!” he confesses to the camera. Aw.

Now, let’s take a moment for the strategy Courtney is going with tonight. Earlier today she stepped up and took Ben away from the crowd, "caught" a "live" "fish," and got to have this fun, triumphant moment with him. Tonight, she’s a little unnerved by Ben’s attentiveness to Kacie B., so she bides her time sitting alone (making him come to her), and then lets him know she’s struggling and has lost sight of her relationship with him. Then she leans back and waits for him to feel like he’s losing her and come up with a way to fix it.

This is her version of fishing, ladies and gentlemen. She is just waiting for him to bite so she can set the hook.

Ben spouts that he likes Courtney and has told her this before. Then he tells her, “sorry you’re having such a rough go! Hang in there, champ!” Nibble… nibble…

“OK,” Courtney pouts, rubbing his arm but obviously still not convinced.

Oh my gosh! You know how when you bobber fish and you can tell something is working around your bait and is juuuust about to take it? You just watch that bobber slowly pulled underwater? That’s what it’s like to watch Ben right now. He goes and gets the rose to give to Courtney, reassuring her that he’s still interested in her.

Model: 1. Pageant Girl: 0. Or as Courtney would put it, “Winning.”

Ohhhh, Courtney. You get that Sheen is crazy too, right?

One-on-One Date #2: Crater Dater

Jennifer the secret kissing buddy is invited to a “No Trespassing” area with Ben for a dangerous drop into a steaming crater. Red notes that this is pretty sketchy. I just have to wonder how Ben gets prepared for these dates – surely someone had to take him to this crater and teach him how to work the harness thingy, right?!

Once they make the drop, Ben and Red are super stoked to be swimming alone together in their crater. Red is clearly trying to rid her head of the dorky safety helmet as quickly as possible so this experience can be a little more romantic. Thankfully they get to take a less sketchy gondola ride later to dry off before dinner.

I gotta hand it to Red; she made great Relationships and Lifestyles conversation with Ben at dinner, and she made the rainstorm work for her by showing she can go with the flow. She totally earned that rose, and I’m cheering for her now. You go on and get it, Red! (Or as Andy Cohen would say, “I root for a gingey.”)

Back at the house…

OK, ABC producers. You could NOT have set this up better. Courtney is in the living room using her watertight logic to determine that since she’s always had boyfriends , she isn’t used to being around a bunch of girls (Really? Model? At how many shoots and shows are you the only female there?); meanwhile, since Red is sweet and normal around other girls, she must be a disaster with men.

Meanwhile, Dr. Emily, who is being groomed as the arch nemesis to Courtney, is sitting in the bathroom surrounded by Monica (the Gretchen Weiners of the house – information is her currency), Blakely (former outcast of the group, who has now taken Ben’s advice and made friends by making use of her highlighting and foiling skills), and a brunette whose name I forget, who is making herself important as Dr. Emily’s drink holder/server.

At the cocktail party, Emily gets a little too locked into her issues with Courtney and decides to bring it to Ben. What is she doing?! Courtney had a rose; she’s not going anywhere this week. Don’t pick on someone during a week when you can’t hurt them. Amateur! You will NEVER last on BP3, Dr. E.

Ben picks up on exactly what’s going on here too, but he is able to detach himself from his infatuation with Courtney long enough to give Emily the warning she needs – you are about to step on a landmine. Back away.

Emily realizes she’s made a potentially severe tactical error in running to Ben with her opinion of Courtney, so she spills to Bored Casey.

Bored Casey: It’s not that I’m really interested, but I couldn’t help but notice you’re getting a little crazy around the eyes. What’s wrong?
Dr. Emily: I told Ben I thought Courtney was a weirdo and it didn’t go over well.
Bored Casey: Oh, Courtney’s not a weirdo. She’s my friend.
Dr. Emily: Friend?! Bored Casey, you can’t be serious. Being friends with Courtney is like, social suicide! Damn, you are SO lucky to have me guide you!
Bored Casey: This conversation just got totally boring. Agree to disagree?
Dr. Emily: Fine. Whatever.
Bored Casey: Oh, um…you know what? I suddenly need to leave this couch and go in the other room where my friend Courtney is because…I’m bored. And I need to get a drink? Ok, bye!

As 100% expected, Bored Casey runs to Courtney to tell her all the things Dr. Emily said about her:

Bored Casey: Something about that you’re mean…or whatever. And I was like…totally worked up…or something. You know. Emotions. And she said she talked to Ben about you…blah, blah, blah, so boring. Anyway he was like, not into whatever it was. You know?
Model Courtney: She actually spent her one-on-one time with HIM talking about ME?! Ahhh-ha-ha-HA!!! FOOL! Once you get on my list, it’s really hard to get off of it! I just want to rip her head off and verbally insult her and shave off her eyebrows in the middle of the night. I’m a nice person; don’t BLEEP with me!!!

Yep, that’s what nice people usually say.

Courtney and her minion position themselves strategically behind the couch where Emily is sitting and talk about her. Wow, these girls OPERATE. When Emily doesn’t take the bait, Courtney sits down on the couch and does a little pot stirring till she gets the reaction she wants.

Kacie B: OK, question for the room from the Snap Cup. Who feels they’ve learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than they have in the past two years?
Courtney: I haven’t. I just know myself REALLY WELL.
Kacie B: Oopsie, maybe I asked the wrong question?
Dr. Emily: You asked a great question. MOST people in this process would agree with you.
Courtney: Ah-HA-hahahaha!
Dr. Emily: What are you laughing at, Courtney?
Courtney: YOU, you fool!!! I know alllll about what you said to Ben about me.
Dr. Emily: Uh…what…I don’t…what…I’m confused—
Courtney: Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Kacie B: OK, so some people have roses and some don’t. How do we all feel about that? Emily, would you like to have the feeling stick?
Dr. Emily: I feel like I’m in fifth grade dealing with 10-year-olds.
Courtney: You’re ACTING like a 10-year-old! Here’s how I feel – I have a rose; you don’t. WINNING.

Here’s the thing that stinks; Emily knows she’s stepped in it, but she also knows she’s not the kind of person who can handle both sides of the double-edged mean girl sword. (Weird analogy? Sorry. It’s getting to the bottom of my wine glass. I mean, it’s getting late.)

Rose Ceremony

Roses go to…
Lind-Z
Jamie
Nicki
Kacie B.
Elyse
Blakely
Bored Casey
Emily (Right, like the producers would let her off the hook that easy!)

Monica is the only girl to leave the ceremony tonight. I don’t know if she found the experiences she was looking for here, but I guarantee she’ll find them on the Bachelor Pad! She’s a keeper, Mike Fleiss.

Ben announces to the ladies that they are leaving snowy Utah for Puerto Rico!
“I was just there two months ago,” mutters Courtney once the cheers have died down.
“Well…we’re going back!” Ben saves the moment and clinks glasses with the ladies.
“I can go higher than anybody!” exclaims Courtney as she extends her arm so her glass is at the top of the camera shot.

Seriously? What is her deal?

Coming up…

The girls fight the tropical humidity tooth and nail as makeup melts off their faces and hair erupts into fits of frizz. And Dr. Emily is still on the anti-Courtney campaign trail. Plus, that infamous skinny dipping scene may be showing its naked little booty next week!

Till then,
Lisa ;)

the bachelor week 2 and 3: a double feature!

2012-01-17T21:02:00.015-05:00

I can't get behind THIS early in the game! Sorry guys.

Here's a mini-cap of what happened last week:

Can I just say thank heavens this show was cut back to 90 minutes rather than the usual two-hour episodes? Still didn't keep last week from being a bit of a snooze fest, though.

Kacie B. for President

I know this is risky, but I'm gonna call it here and now -- Kacie B. will make it to the final two. I know that after the first one-on-one date winner gets a rose, she usually has a record of being a choke artist. But this girl is adorable, sweet, and doesn't seem to have a whole lot going on back home that would prevent her from taking this game show to the final round. Plus, she can pull off a pair of knee-high equestrian boots and tiny shorts, so...

Blakely the Southerner Earns a New Identifier

Poor Blakely the VIP cocktail waitress was not told to bring child-appropriate, audition-appropriate date wear to the community theatre group date. So when the precocious child director ordered Blakely to run in slow motion, Blakely earned a new nickname -- Jugs.

Later Blakely plays a little too aggressively for the date rose, and Miss Pacific Palisades gives her another nickname -- Cougar.

Courtney is WINNING.

Courtney is -- and I don't know if you all remember this -- a model. Which, by her definition is a woman to which all other women should view themselves inferior. And if you don't, she'll help you get there.

Sweet, sweet Kacie B. reads the second one-on-one date card aloud and announces Courtney's name. Courtney responds with, "how'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"

Kacie drops her gaze to the floor and murmurs, "what?"

Courtney stands up, stretching to her full model height and clears her throat. "I said, how'd that taste coming out of your mouth?"

Yikes.

Jenna and the City Goes Back to the Blog.

This poor girl can NOT catch a break. I'm pretty sure that on a normal day when she was not being bathed in alcohol, I would love hanging out with this girl.

I've said it once and I'll say it again -- there is a reason some of us are writers. I can't wait to read Jenna's blog, in which I'm sure she's extremely articulate. In person, on camera, and with a couple-few drinks in her system, though, Jenna was less so (and she almost sets a throw blanket on fire. Heaven help us!):

Jenna: Thank you for giving me a second chance after my hot mess of a first impression. I just feel like I'm a guy.
Ben: Ohhhhh-kaaaay...
Jenna: Wait. Nope, that came out wrong. Let me try again. I'm not a girl.
Lisa: Somebody hand her a laptop! STAT!!!

I am really going to miss my Jenna and the City. I just want to hug her. And adjust her dress so her strapless bra isn't sticking out.

See you on the Bachelor Pad, JatC!

And now for this week!

First of all, what happened to the obligatory Los Angeles dates and the private jet/helicopter to Vegas for a ritzy, Pretty Woman style one-on-one?! Last week we were in Sonoma, and this week we're in San Francisco. And Ben is meeting with his sister?!! Are we doing hometowns this week?!!!

One-on-One Date #1: Love Lifts Us Up

Dr. Emily is the Chosen One for this date, and she immediately has a myriad of questions:

"What am I going to wear? Is he going to like me? What the heck does it mean to be lifted up? Does this involve heights? Am I going to pee my pants? Should I wear pants or shorts? Or a dress? Should I bring hand sanitizer?"

I love this girl already.

You know who doesn't? Courtney the Model. She predicts a boring date for the Almost Doctor and Ben. Because "book smart can be a little boring."

Yeah, I guess that's why I find Tina Fey so un-hilarious. OH WAIT.

It turns out "lifts us up" means climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. Annnnd Emily is afraid of heights.

It doesn't help that the guys climbing with them make sure to note that this is NOT Disneyland -- it's actually a really dangerous thing to do.

Halfway up, Emily has a very graceful panic attack and freezes. Ben, capturing the drama with the GoPro attached to his helmet, shouts, "Talk to me, Goose." Aw. I kind of like him more now.

When Emily makes it clear that she is unable to move any further, Ben does the ONLY thing that works in emergency situations -- he kisses her.

Well played, sir.

Emily is encouraged and she and Ben make it to the top of the bridge, as the rest of the bachelorettes look on from their NASA telescope by their hotel suite's window.

How's that look coming out of your lens, Courtney?

Needless to say, Dr. Emily earns the date rose.

Sidenote: Whenever anyone on this franchise says they can't imagine the date getting better, that is the cue for fireworks.

Group Date: Leap List

Blakely, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Miss Pacific Palisades, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, Elyse, and Bored Casey are invited to help Ben cross something off of his Leap List.

In case you're like me and felt out of the loop because you'd never heard of this, a Leap List is a term Honda invented to sell its new CR-V to 20- and 30-somethings.

Ben meets the gals and explains that they'll be snow skiing. He then tosses a few designated girls the keys to their nifty Honda CR-Vs so that everyone can do a little product placement on the way. ABC producers cleverly highlight the "wallpaper" feature of the CR-V by uploading the headshots of the bachelorettes so they're forced to look at the faces of the women they hate most during their trip to the slopes.

Only it turns out the "slope" is actually one of the hilly streets of San Fran.

"Where is there a ski jump?" ask the girls. "And why have we been instructed to bring swimwear?" Then they see it -- a blocked-off downhill street covered in artificial snow. The girls peel off their sundresses and shorts, don wool hats and scarves over their bikinis, and hit the slopes.

Ohhhh, the snow burns!!!

Despite being a novice ski bunny, Kacie B. knocks it out of the park by being super-adorable at being bad at skiing.

Ben and the ladies relax after their ski excursion at a tropical San Fran club venue. Ben is feeling good about his group date:

"This place is rad, and the girls are cool. I really don't think we're going to have any drama tonight!"

Hahahahaha!!! Oh, Ben! You are a jokester!

As expected, Kacie B. is starting to feel a little insecure about her connection with Ben. But all it takes is a walk down the street with Ben and a kiss under a corner street light to set her straight again. Clearly, Ben digs her:

"Something about her sparkles...I don't know what it is. Her smile? Her eyes? Her personality."

Her dress, Ben. It was her dress.

I'm kidding, of course. I think at this point we all love little Kacie B. TOP TWO!

Back at the party, Ben checks in with Blakeley, who immediately whines, "Everyone hates me. They're all so spiteful and jealous."

Ben gives Blakeley some interesting advice -- to try to make friends.

Let's just take a moment for this. Usually when a Bachelor is approached by the girl who's most hated by everyone in the house, his response is, "don't listen to them; I like you and that's all that matters." This usually encourages the girl to keep acting like a brat, making the other ladies hate her more. I think this is the first time a Bachelor has guided the Hated Girl character in a different direction. We'll have to see how it plays out.

Back at the Bachelorette Pad...

First Impression Rose winner Lyndzi (does the spelling of her name keep changing every time, or is it just me?) is tired of horsing around with the girls and hopes she'll get a date this week after being left out of the action in Sonoma. But when the date card arrives with a jewelry-shaped gift box, both are address to Brittany.

Who's Brittany, you ask? You probably don't remember her, but I think that's because she's less prominent without her grandmother here pimping her out.

Despite the giant, sparkly Tracy Jordan-style key necklace gift, Brittany seems a little underwhelmed. And since the rest of the girls aren't trying very hard to be excited for her, the mood in the room is pretty flat. Finally Emily offers some positive words, like a mother taking her nervous toddler to her first playdate: "You guys are gonna get along really well."

"But what if we don't?" frowns Brittany.

Oh. No. She. Did. NOT.

The other women in the room quickly run to the associate producer and let her know that should Brittany for some reason opt out of her date, they will gladly volunteer to go in her place.

And what do you know?! Brittany confesses to Emily that her heart isn't in it and she thinks she should just go home. She packs up her purple luggage, explains to the girls that she's leaving, and walks out the door to find Ben in the midst of his tropical group date party.

Brittany does a very honorable and classy thing by thanking Ben for the opportunity to get to know each other better, but declining because she feels like she'd be wasting his time. Basically the opposite of a pulling a Bentley.

Ben takes a moment to sit under a tiki god statue and reflect on how real this just got. Brittany's departure has reminded him that any one of these hot, single, girls can leave at any time. After collecting his thoughts, Ben returns to the party and awards the date rose to cool, chill, confident Rachel.

One-on-One Date 2: San Fran at Night

That's right, someone is getting Brittany's sloppy seconds. And Lindzi is filled with new hope that it might be her.

There's no "Key to the City" necklace with this date card, but it does have Lindzi's name on it, so she's super-stoked.

Ben and Lyndzee take a nighttime tour of San Francisco on their own trolley, hitting all the landmarks on their way to the city hall, which is locked. Only
Ben has the key!

Ohhh, so this is still the Key to the City tour Brittany was supposed to get. Sans Tracy Jordan jewelry.

As Ben and L!ndzi flashlight their way through the empty building, someone hits the lights and Matt Nathanson and friends strike up his song, "Faster." I always feel awkward about these dates, where the couple is white-people dancing in a huge, empty venue in front of a live band. But Lind$ey is digging it, and the night is not over yet!

Actually, the next place they go looks pretty cool; it's a speakeasy complete with a password-protected entryway and a bookcase-hidden private lounge! I want to go to there!

Lin-Z (yup, I like that one) shares her horrible text-message breakup story with Ben, who relates this to his nationally televised proposal rejection. After awarding her the date rose, Ben teaches Lin-Z some simple piano duets in a...piano storage room?

Then they dance again, presumably to no music, and Lin-Z exclaims that NOTHING could ruin tonight!

DUN DUN DUN!!! We hear the somehow familiar voice of another woman calling C-Hare as she drives across the bridge into San Francisco. She's met Ben before...she knows CH...and she's gutsy. Who could it be?

The girls file into a beautiful library in preparation for tonight's cocktail party and rose ceremony. They seem surprisingly mellow, and even crazy model Courtney clinks to a "drama-free" night.

Red-haired girl whose name I forget pulls Ben away for the first one-on-one time she's had with him...ever, I think?

Red: I haven't talked to you in so long!
Ben: I know!
Red: I've missed you!
Ben: Uh...you too!
Lisa: That's sincere. I think he's trying to remember her name right now.
Red: I just want to let you know that I really like you.
Ben: That's good to know. (He does what my friend Justice calls an "Oprah hug," which is grasping someone's hands while keeping them at a safe distance.)
Red: So...(she leans in, inviting a kiss. Ben keeps his Oprah distance.)
Red: Ugh! You're just so cute! You're so, like, dreamy! I think about you all the time!
Lisa: Yikes.
Ben: You're making me blush.
Red: Whatever! (She keeps leaning into him like she wants to kiss and/or cuddle. Ben is not reciprocating.)
Ben: You are hands-down the best kisser in the house.
Lisa: What?! When did they kiss?
Red: No one knows we kissed!
Lisa: Including me!!!
Ben: Let's keep it our little secret.

Then he finally leans in and kisses her. The girls spot them smooching. Well, I guess it's not a secret anymore.

Back to the car driven by the Mystery Bachelorette as she gets ready to crash the rose ceremony. She drops us some more clues, including that she was rejected by Bachelor Brad during his second season. She's only here because she really likes Ben, blah blah blah, I am SO tired of looking at this shot of her hands on the steering wheel. Move it along, ABC editors!

Finally C-Hare meets the car at the entrance to the hotel to greet...SHAWNTEL! The funeral director/mortician!!! This is gonna be awesome.

Let's take a quick moment for "drama-free" Courtney, who is telling the camera how stupid the other girls look when they're laughing and having fun. "I mean, look at them when they talk, and then look at me. I can talk without moving my lips so I always look sexy and never like I'm enjoying myself. These girls are like, laughing and smiling with teeth. Who wants that?" Later she tries to get Lin-Z to gossip about the other girls, and Z responds that she doesn't have an opinion on other people's shenanigans. Courtney calls BS: "When I see the faces you make at other people, I just have to leave the room. I hate facial expressions and you should never make them, except for sexy model ones. Bye."

Dr. Emily recommends to the producers that Courtney be diagnosed for whatever social disorder she's suffering from, and then awesomely remarks that her crazy has nothing to do with Emily and Ben's relationship. Go on and get it, girl.

Ben, however, may have his Boy Blinders on, because he steals Courtney away to yet another hidden bookcase leading to the roof. He talks to her the way a first-grader talks to a playground crush. Courtney knows she's in a good place with him, and she doesn't feel intimidated by ANYONE.

Enter Shawntel.

She coolly walks through the room without saying a word, stirring all the ladies into a frenzy of chanting, "Who's that girl?!" As Shawntel pulls Ben away from his conversation with a shell-shocked Elyse, Ben tries unsuccessfully to gain his composure. Shawntel excuses him to go collect himself before introducing her to the rest of the room. Ben then leaves Shawntel to be attacked by the pack! Good luck!

The girls stare at Shawntel like she's a being from outer space. Finally one of them shouts, "Why are you here?"

Shawntel makes her case, explaining that just like them, she met Ben and was interested in dating him. The girls tear her apart.

Dr. Emily: Are you honestly saying you're only here because you want to date Ben? Not so you can get cast on Bachelor Pad?
Law Student Erika: How can you say you have a connection with Ben when you just got here and we've been here for three weeks and have collectively spent thirty minutes apiece with him?
Drunk and Upset Elyse: You don't KNOW Ben! You were with BRAD's season!!!
Chill Rachel: Why do you think you deserve to be here more than the girls who have already been sent home?
Shawntel: I think that's a question any one of us could be asking each other. We'll just see what happens after the rose ceremony tonight.
Chill Rachel: No, I think this needs to be decided right now!

Rachel seems to be under the misconception that the girls have voting power or something. Be chill, Rachel. This isn't Bachelor Pad yet.

After Model Courtney announces that this is whole situation is whack, the room descends into madness. The girls go off into corners to complain about the unfairness of it all. Elyse slurs that Shawntel is a loser who was rejected by Brad and needs to move on with her life. Chill Rachel spurts out something about draining people's blood. Courtney proclaims that she will not accept a rose if Shawntel is asked to stay.

BAM! Finally a woman who intimidates Courtney! I love it.

But Nicki takes the cake when she tells the camera, "Shawntel rides in here on her high hearse and says she's here for Ben."

PUN! IN! TENDED!!!

Rose Ceremony

Roses go to...

Courtney

Ha! She's first, so she doesn't get to base her decision on whether or not Shawntel is given a rose! But that doesn't stop her from making her point:

"I will accept this rose, but tonight was a lot for me. It was hard seeing you talking to What's-Her-Butt (so mature), so just know that I'm pissed now."

Kacie B.
Drunk Elyse
Jamie
Jennifer (ohhhh, THAT's Red's name!)
Bored Casey
Blakely
Monica
Nicky
Miss Pacific Palisades

There's one more rose to go. Jaclyn is sobbing, Shawntel looks so nervous she might hurl on her shoes, and Law Student Erika is murmuring that she doesn't feel good. As Ben gets ready to make what I'm sure was going to be a very eloquent speech (eyeroll), Erika realizes she's about to pass out and sits down before she falls down. As the production crew takes over, Ben pretends to help by muttering, "can someone get her some water...or something?" After laying down for a couple of minutes, Erika gets back on her feet.

Of course, this is all Shawntel's fault.

Now that everyone is back to their marks, Ben gives a Tyra Banks style speech breaking down his final three contenders...before announcing that he isn't giving out the last rose!

GASP!!!

Jaclyn leaves through the back door sobbing, headed straight for the bathroom. Erika crumples to the floor again (or does she? Editing, anyone?), and the other girls surround her. Shawntel marches through the destruction she created to meet Ben. He offers to walk her out, and as they leave Courtney shouts "See ya!" Another mature move, Courtney.

Ben explains that this whole situation was unfair. And I think he was right to send her home; she would have had a miserable existence in that house that would have overshadowed any chance at building any sort of meaningful connection with Ben.

See you on Bachelor Pad, Shawntel!

While poor Erika recovers on a nearby couch, Ben announces to the gals that they're headed to Utah!

Coming up...

Ben wants the girls to experience being outdoors. Because they're all shut-ins, apparently? And the drama builds between crazy Model Courtney and Dr. Emily.

Thanks for your patience, faithful readers! I'll try not to keep you waiting so long next week!

Lisa ;)

SNL: Charles Barkley

2012-01-08T19:39:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure why, but I've never been a huge fan of Charles Barkley as a Saturday Night Live host. I must have been missing something the last two times he hosted, because everyone else seems super-pumped whenever he's on the show.

I think what bugged me before was the basketball legend's utter lack of ability to deliver lines off a cue card. I mean, I get it. He's not an actor, and that's part of the fun. But in the past I've been so distracted by how glaringly obvious it is that he's regurgitating his lines like a giant robot that I couldn't really get into whatever was going on in the sketch.

This time around, I changed my mind. Maybe I've just adjusted my expectations, or maybe Mr. Barkley is just a lot more comfortable on the show his third time around. And what I may have forgotten in the past is how much fun the guy is having just being a part of this ridiculous 90 minutes of television.

But I think the writers stepped it up a little bit too; the monologue was short and solid, and for the first time I thought Mr. Barkley acted like he knew why people were laughing.

There were a lot of sports-related sketches, but my favorite was this commercial parody for an app that helps you translate post-game interviews with the help of our host:

Charles Barkley App
"That didn't make a lick'a sense!"

Last night SNL brought back two characters that I never thought I'd see again, but for reasons I can't explain, I was so excited that I did.

Lord Wyndemere
"Where'd my little blue dude go?"

Charles Barkley is the perfect kind of person to be into Cecil's silly antics. And Jason Sudeikis shouting at his son to get the little lord some sweets still kills me. I don't know why.

Drunk Uncle
"Girl with a dragon tattoo?! Not in my house."

Just watch Bobby Moynihan's squishy little lips on his chubby face! I also love Seth Meyers's ability to play out Bobby's awkward silences and slurry non sequiturs; it really brings to life that feeling of being trapped in a corner of your parents' living room with a drunk relative. And I love it.

OK, kids. Tomorrow night is when the Bachelor madness starts to heat up! See you here after!

Lisa ;)

the bachelor 16 premiere: game on!

2012-01-03T20:13:00.018-05:00

"Will you marry me? Make me the happiest man on earth?"
"I'm sorry."
"Wow."

After being forced to relive the most painfully awkward proposal in Bachelorette history, it's time for us to be reintroduced to Ben Flajnik. Like so many men scorned by Bachelorettes past, he's been spending a lot of time toning his muscles, reflecting in his vineyard, and staring into the distance -- shirtless -- while explaining to us that he has no regrets and is ready to find love.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The Bachelor!

But first, a disclaimer...
In the past couple of years, folks who personally know someone (or know someone who knows someone) on the show have stumbled across my blog. I want to point out now that I do not actually think anything on this show is real, and any fun that I poke at the people on the show is meant as a strictly fictional and humorous parody of the events ABC has cobbled together out of weeks and weeks worth of footage. Please also keep in mind that this show is really just an elaborate casting session for the Bachelor Pad this summer. We're just having fun here.

Let's trot out the ladies!

Lindzi with a Zi
Lindz's last relationship ended the worst way possible. No, her significant other didn't drown in a tragic bathtub accident or die in a plane crash. He DUMPED HER VIA TEXT MESSAGE! Now, Lindz, an equine enthusiast, is ready to stop horsing around and find true love.

Camo Amber
Amber is a straight-shooter. Literally. And she's ready to invite Ben out to her farm in Nebraska to feast on some deer meat and beef nuts. "Beef nuts are cow balls," she explains. Just in case there were any questions about that.

Kacie the Bachelorette Fan
Kacie is already in love with Ben because she watched him fall in love with Ashley on TV. Based on the fact that her b-roll consisted of her rewatching the Bachelorette in her apartment and meandering through her local park, I'm guessing she doesn't have a lot else going on right now. Basically, she's me, but with access to a local park.

Courtney the Model
Courtney can't be bothered that other girls are jealous of her. She probably has a bigger problem with girls who aren't intimidated by her. P.S., she's modeled as a bride enough to know that huge engagement rings look really good on her.

Nurse Jamie
Sharp as a tack, troubled past, legally gained custody of her own siblings, and hasn't had time to find love. Holy cow, I love her already.

Lyndsie with a Y...and an IE
1) British accent. 2) 27 Dresses-like display of outfits from all the places she's lived with her diplomat father. 3) Perky personality. I think we've got a star!

Jenna the Writer
ABC whipped up a knock-off Sex and the City music theme for Jenna, a freelance writer/blogger living it up in NYC and penning pieces about love. We even get the close-up on her laptop as she types, "what does love REALLY mean?!?!" Oh, Carrie Bradshaw...I mean, Jenna.

Shawn the Stockbroker
The busy business career-time lady AND single mom?! Now they're just throwing romantic comedy archetypes at us!

Nicki the Divorcee
Married at the ripe old age of 21, Nicki is hunting for her second husband. "The fact that I could be engaged to Ben two months from now sounds crazy...but not really."

Now that the presumed high-profile players have been introduced, it's Limo Time!

Rachel Rose
She wore a red dress to further attempt to send a subliminal message to Ben to give her a rose.

Erica the Law Student
She declares Ben guilty of being sexy. Um, isn't that the judge's call?

Amber the Baconator
We'll just call her the Baconater from now on. AND she's a Bacon of the Canadian variety?! Oh, the Baconater! You are full of name games!

Elyse
She warns Ben she's going to make him sweat later. I'm guessing she's either going to cook for him or make him learn a dance.

Jenna the Blogger
See, this is why some of us choose to write rather than, say, do stand-up comedy. Writing allows you to gather your words, rather than vomit them in random order. At least Jenna will have a hilarious anecdote to post on her love blog when she gets home.

Courtney the Model
Court leads off with an overly familiar "hey, cutie pie!" and follows up by telling Ben she had a crush on him during The Bachelorette. As she strokes his hair, she adds that she's a "hair girl." But her profession is...wait for it...modeling. Ben plays it totally cool, throwing Courtney's game off a bit. But as she walks away, the goofy Ben we all love finally shows up: "That is a...pa-rit-ty girl!"

Emily the Almost Doctor
Finally, some girl has the sense to bring hand sanitizer to one of these things! Just standard procedure for kissing a stranger. I like this one.

Miss Pacific Palisades
She has a name, but I'm not really interested. She claims she doesn't really know how "this" happened. If she's referring to the sash around her shoulders, I'm willing to guess it involved her getting up on a stage somewhere and consciously taking part in a competition. If she's referring to her arrival at the Bachelor Mansion, I'm guessing she was clubbed over the head in downtown L.A. and dumped in the back of a limo with a gaggle of other 20-somethings.

Casey Spelled the Usual Way
She literally just got here and she already seems a little bored.

Camo Amber
She circles around the bushes instead of going in at the door, so just in case Ben doesn't believe in love at first sight, he can have a second chance. Aw, I bet her grandpa told her to do that right after he packed her an airplane snack of beef nuts.

Kentucky Holly
You may remember her as the hat with the woman inside.

Nurse Jamie
No silly pick-up lines or games; she's just excited to be here. That-a girl!

Shira the Actress
She leads off by saying she knows everything about wine: "Just kidding, I know nothing about wine, just kidding, I know how to drink it, just kidding, I don't drink, just kidding, I'm an alcoholic! Just kidding, I was, but I'm sober now, just kidding, I'm totally drunk, just kidding, YOU'RE totally drunk, just kidding, just kidding, just kidding..."

Blakeley the Southerner
Apparently Blakeley was not informed that other women from her region of the country would also be cast on the show, so using "Southerner" as her identifier is probably not going to work.

Sheryl the Old Lady on Crutches
This is something that I thought could only happen in an SNL parody of The Bachelor! But it turns out Sheryl is just here to pimp out her 26-year-old granddaughter, Brittney.

Are we done yet? Ugh...no, just the first fifteen. OK, let me pour another glass of wine...

And we're back!

Nicki...the...
This thing has been going on for so long that I already forgot who Nicki is. Oh, that's right. The baby divorcee.

Dianna the Normal Person Off the Street
Did someone just pick her up on the corner of Hollywood and Highland where she was shopping with her fellow tourists, put her in a white dress, and not tell her where she was going? She is so adorably and genuinely flustered. This is how most of us would act if we were on TV.

Jennifer the Accountant
She runs off a bunch of numbers because she's an accountant. What is that, like...accountant humor?

Lynsdie the Brit
"Oh, 'ello, chap! I thought I'd whip up a goofy poem for you and read it in my delightful British accent! I'm a dork, I know! I look forward to chatting inside! Cheerio, love!"

Anna the Student
Anna plays it mysterious and says a demure "hi" before totally blowing past Ben into the mansion. Ben shouts after her like an idiot. Well played, madam!

Monica (You Never Call Me Anymore!)
Mon's big confession is that she misses her dog. I think she had something a little juicier planned for her confession, but she chickened out at the last second.

Jaclyn the Hugger
Jaclyn goes in for the hug, saying, "Hug it out!" If she had gone 100% Michael Scott and said, "Hug it out, bitch," I would have instantly loved her.

Shawn the Single Mom Having It All Big Time Career Lady
"Do I need to do an act from Cirque de Soleil out here, or can I just trust that you'll take the time to talk to me inside?" I love it. Go on and get it, girl.

Kacie the Fan
I have a feeling this one is going to be around for awhile. I mean, it's either this or walking around in the park and watching reruns of The Bachelorette, so...go on and get it, girl.

Lindzie the Equestrienne
At first I thought it was the Headless Horseman. But it was just Lindzie, horsing around. Oh, Lindz!

Cocktail Party Time!

After a generic first night speech and a few generic first night conversations with a few generic contestants, Ben puts Brittney's grandma in a limo so the real fun can begin. Right on cue, C-Hare brings out the first impression rose on a silver tray. As Mr. Santorum would say...game on!

Single Mom Shawn has already coined cute nicknames for the girls and their gimmicks -- Sammie Sash, Holly Hat, Courtney Catwalk, Brittney Bingo Club, etc. Elsewhere, someone has initiated a line-dancing lesson. And Dianna the Tourist Off the Street has stolen Ben away for a little game she came up with using things she found lying around the Bachelor Mansion. Blindfolding Ben with a red tie abandoned by Jake Pavelka, Dianna feeds Ben pieces of candy she found in a paper sack that may have been left in the refrigerator by Vienna and Kasey.

Epidemiologist Emily lays down a gangsta rap about disease prevention, which he probably could have used before being hand-fed candy scraps by Dianna.

Jenna and the City has had one too many cosmopolitans tonight, and she stammers in amazement when a blonde girl whose name I forget (who has also had too much to drink} admits she doesn't have feelings for Ben because she knows four facts about him. You know who blonde girl whose name I forget does have feelings for? Blakeley the Southerner.

Blonde Girl with the Ponytail: Blakeley, I'm not just here for love. I'm here for experience, and you're my experience. I think there's more for us here than just love.
Blakeley the Southerner: You mean like friendship?
Blonde Ponytail: Yeah, and experiences. You know what I mean by experiences, right?
Blakeley the Southerner: Um...probably like group dates to the set of an ABC soap opera and a hot air balloon ride with Ben in Napa Valley?
Blonde Pony: I'm gonna need your phone number.
Jenna and the City: That blonde girl who emotionally destroyed me and her girlfriend are making out!!!!!

Jenna and the City later gushes to the camera that this whole situation confuses her. "I don't know how to proceed, so I'm just gonna go with it. Actually, I'm not really good with going with it, so I'm gonna fight it. HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY?!!"

That's a good question for the ol' blog.

Jenna and the City vents to her new best friend Rachel Red Dress Rose, who immediately states, "I hate drama, and I do not want to get in the middle of this because I have no idea what it's about, so naturally I'm going to go confront Ponytail and declare myself a mediator in whatever this conflict is."

Jenna and the City: Are you mad at me?
Ponytail: No.
JaTC: I feel like you don't like me.
Ponytail: I don't know you.
JaTC: I feel like you hate me and you're out to destroy me.
Ponytail: I don't know you.
JaTC: Don't make fun of me.
Ponytail: OK, crazy, here's what I know about you. You're a girl. You're here.
JaTC: Right, I'm a girl and you're a girl so maybe we should share a tampon sometime.
Ponytail: OK, that's not the kind of girl-girl experience I was talking about earlier.

I think Ben is secretly all about the drama; he sniffs out Jenna and the City's tears and sits with her while she takes him down her deep, dark spiral staircase of emotions. Jenna later locks herself in the bathroom for a good cry, while slurring to the camera that she doesn't want Ben to think she's a mess.

But sweetie, you ARE a mess. A big, hot one. And that's what's going to make you a great writer. I'm rooting for you.

Ben gives Lindzie the Equestrienne the first impression rose, "but not for the horse." Kind of like how I watch this show every year, but not for the ridiculous drama.

Rose Ceremony

Thank goodness. Everyone is starting to look the same. Roses go to...

Oh, wait! Someone go get Jenna out of the bathroom!!!

OK, roses go to...

Nurse Jamie
Rachel Red Dress Rose
Blakeley the Southerner
Dr. Emily
Kacie the Fan
Bored Casey
Brittney, sans Grandmother
Barrister Erica
Single Mom Shawn
Nicki the Divorcee
Jennifer the Accountant
Elyse
Miss Pacific Palisades
Courtney the Model
Jaclyn the Hugger
Blonde Ponytail
Jenna and the City

After a sad goodbye to some colorful characters, including British Lyndsie, Canadian Bacon, Dianna the Ambushed Tourist, and Camo Amber, it's time for a sneaky peak at what's to come this season -- including an agent of disaster summoned by Chris Harrison to wreak havoc on the other ladies: AN EX-GIRLFRIEND!!! And that's not all -- the bachelorettes hate Courtney the Model, Courtney the Model takes Ben and his naked little butt skinny dipping, Jenna and the City has a series of emotional breakdowns, the final rose ceremony takes place in a non-tropical location, and Ben may get his heart broken during yet another nationally televised proposal.

Game on.

Lisa ;)

SNL: Jimmy Fallon

2011-12-19T12:40:00.005-05:00

It's the Best Christmas SNL EVER!!!

Seriously. This episode was epic. What made it even sweeter was that Jimmy Fallon is always so obviously grateful to be doing whatever he's doing -- and Saturday night was definitely no exception. From his exuberant puppy-dog face as he clapped with the audience after saying, "Live from New York..." to his near-hyperventilation goodnight speech, Jimmy made it clear that he was living his greatest dream.

How do I pick highlights?!

Cold Open: Sully and Denise
Rachel Dratch AND Amy Poehler came back for this fantastic cold open! Tina Fey used to write these sketches, so I have to wonder if she got to sneak back into the writers' room for this one too.

Michael Buble Christmas Duets
You've heard me say it before, but I'm gonna say it again...Buble needs to host sometime. What a great sport. This platform was so perfect for Jimmy's signature musical impressions. My favorite by far was Justin Bieber.

Man in the Mirror
Probably not as much of a highlight for most viewers, but I loved this because it brought to mind one of my favorite sketches of Jimmy with Mick Jagger. It was also a great wink at Justin Timberlake's SNL bromances with Jimmy and Andy Samberg.

Christmas Song
They would've been crazy NOT to do this. I so love that Tracy Morgan still plays out his role in this sketch with so much commitment. And Horatio looks SO GOOD, no?

Weekend Update of My Dreams!
I was hoping Tina Fey would make an appearance since she and Jimmy used to anchor Update together...but bringing Tina AND Amy back for a Joke-Off was better than I had hoped! (I literally stood up and started jumping around my living room when the girls rolled onto the set.)

I think all my SNL Jimmy Fallon Christmas wishes came true. Next time you see me here, I'll be dishing up some piping hot Bachelor recap!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and an Amazing Journey in the New Year!
Lisa ;)

SNL: Katy Perry

2011-12-12T14:30:00.011-05:00

It was decent, no?

I came out of the episode thinking it wasn't the strongest. But then I realized something over the last couple of days -- people were watching this one! The guys at work are not Present-Day-SNL fans, but some of them actually brought up some sketches in conversation, as did some of my more SNL-supportive friends. Here are the highlights that made it to the water cooler:

J-Pop America Fun Time Now!
"If there is such a thing as a loving version of racism, I think you found it."

I didn't expect this to be a recurring sketch, but I was actually glad to see it back. Mostly because I love featured players Vanessa Bayer and Taram Killam so much. This catered well to guest host Katy Perry, too.

Literally Thousands of Celebrities
SNL is all about cashing in on the entire cast and their hosts for celebrity impressions lately. I'm enjoying it.

Alec Baldwin Apologizes to Himself
"Would you really get on an airplane that flew 30,000 feet in the air if you thought a single Kindle switch could bring it down?"

Soul Mates
"You wanna know my question? Just look in your glass."
"You wanna know my answer? Look in your mouth!"

This is just one of those rare little sketches...they're a little oddball, but they're a well-constructed treat for those of us who stick around till the end of the show. Jason Sudeikis as the crooner is pretty great, too.

Stefon's Christmas in New York
"Sorry, I never knew you had a family. I just thought you were created by gay scientists."

You all know how I feel about Stefon. Just watch the clip. Thanks.

Coming up this weekend is the perfect set of Christmas episode guests: Jimmy Fallon with musical guest Michael Buble! I wish it was Christmas today...

Lisa ;)

guess who's back?

2011-12-07T14:02:00.008-05:00

Hey, folks! Sorry to drop off the face of the earth. You know how I get when a community theatre activity is thrown into the mix. But the play is in its last week of shows and I've caught up on my sleep, so I'm itching to get back to blogging! And nothing made me itchier than this promo:

I love that The Bachelor isn't even trying to take itself seriously. They know this is why we watch it.

Just in case you need a little more of an appetizer for the upcoming season featuring Bachelor Ben Flajnik (good luck with that one, C-Hare!), here's another preview:

Good LORD, I hope that elderly lady on crutches is for real!

The season starts January 2. You'll know where to find me. (And I'll have a new look, too! More about that later.)

In the meantime, here's what's been happening on SNL...not a whole lot. Despite a fabulous line-up of hosts, I haven't taken a ton of memorable host-anchored sketches away from week to week, with the exception of Jason Segel's Thanksgiving episode. Here are some highlights to catch us up:

Anna Farris (Oct. 15)
"I know a secret! And I shan't tell a soul even if you catch me!"
"Somebody catch this little sombitch; I wanna hear that secret!"

I don't know why I like this so much; it's just so weird. (Maybe it's the same reason I loved these commercials when they came out.)

Charlie Day (Nov. 5)
"I don't remember anything from that day because I was a newborn, just kidding, I was an old-born, just kidding, I'm Jason Bourne, those movies are based on my life, just kidding, they're not, just kidding, they are, just kidding...."

The recurring characters this season are being poorly chosen, with the obvious exceptions of Stefon and Garth & Kat...and this lady. Just kidding, she's terrible, just kidding, I'm terrible, just kidding, I'm awesome, just kidding, you're awesome, just kidding just kidding just kidding...

Emma Stone (Nov. 12)
"Get ready to enjoy 'Pilgrims are always friendly unless they're pushed to their limits, because there's not one pilgrim who's gonna be mad forever, right?'"

See above for how I feel about Garth & Kat, and it was great to have a surprise third member of the group on this episode. But I have to say, I have the same deal with this as I do with Stefon -- it's actually funnier when they get so out of control that they break.

Jason Segel (Nov. 19)
"Hello, lady!"

It's a simple idea, executed to perfection. One of my favorite things on SNL this season.

Steve Buscemi (Dec. 3)
"Guess whose back? Your back."

I laughed so hard watching this that I actually couldn't breathe. Bobby Moynihan's flailing arms, boozy stare, and chubby little face just crack me up.

OK, kids. Katy Perry hosts this weekend. I'll (hopefully) have highlights for you. And then it's Bachelor pre-game time!

Lisa ;)

SNL: Ben Stiller

2011-10-11T12:26:00.007-04:00

Don't get me wrong; I love me some Ben Stiller, but this weekend's episode of Saturday Night Live didn't have a ton of highlights for me. You all know what a big fan of Stefon I am, so it's probably no surprise that my favorite part of the night was when Ben Stiller shook the dust off of Blue Steel to appear alongside Stefon as Derek Zoolander.

Stefon and Zoolander
"You don't need illegal drugs to have a good time. There are plenty of good prescription drugs."

The character pairing was perfect, but I thought it seemed oddly flat because Seth Meyers and Bill Hader got through the whole bit without breaking. (Is it wrong for me to want them to have a little giggle fit every time they do this sketch?)

There were a couple bright points throughout the show; the "V-Necks" digital short and the Hank Williams, Jr. on Fox & Friends sketch had some funny moments. And I did appreciate the cold open, especially Jason Sudekeis's Mormon swearing.

Mitt Romney is Boring
"Awwww HECK it all! Heck it all to FUDGE!"

Anna Faris hosts next week!

Lisa ;)

SNL: Melissa McCarthy

2011-10-03T13:44:00.009-04:00

I was pretty pumped to see funny lady Melissa McCarthy host her first (and I hope not her last) Saturday Night Live, especially after seeing her win the Emmy for Best Lead Actress in a Comedy this year.

The front end of the episode was essentially the Melissa & Kristen Show, which was fun because it's easy to tell how much these two Bridesmaids stars love working together. The Lawrence Welk cold open added a couple of new layers to the otherwise overdone (but still beloved) Merrill Sisters bit; I thought Taran Killam was hilarious playing the super-cheesy crooner to perfection.

Sister Act
"Why do I hate crows? Just...CAWS!"

The Melissa & Kristen combination continued in the monologue, which was probably my favorite part of the show. The duo pulled off a rather lyrically and logistically complicated routine, and the best part is that by the end of the number you can see how much fun they're having together.

Let's Dance!
"Hey, Kristenin'!"
"I'm listenin'!"

Several of the bits featuring McCarthy centered around her lack of fear for doing broad, physical comedy -- she doused herself in Ranch dressing, got punched in the gut, made out with a balloon pony, slid down a staircase, and sexually harassed Jason Sudekis. But where I find McCarthy funniest is when she stays in the pocket using her unique comedic voice and physical nuances to create a joke, and she somehow manages to do that in this sketch underneath a bad perm and a thick coating of Hidden Valley dressing:

Taste Test
"That cash could really get me out of a coupla jams."

Though Weekend Update has yet to be blessed with a visit from Stefon this season (and I know it's still early), I thought the segment was solid this week. I do love Vanessa Bayer and Fred Armisan as the gossipy BFFs of Ghaddafi, and Seth Meyers had an accidentally adorable moment when he failed to make it through one of his jokes without giggling.

Ghaddafi's Two Best Friends From Growing Up
"He comes to this party and he's like, 'Why did you drag me out here...I'm supposed to be in hiding...' PS, I'm wearing a dress, so like, you can say I look nice."

Next week SNL will be hosted by Ben Stiller! Stay tuned.

Lisa ;)

SNL: Alec Baldwin

2011-10-01T21:30:00.003-04:00

Playing catch-up today! This year I plan to bring you my favorite moments of SNL every week, mostly to prove to everyone that it doesn't suck. Because I know that no one who says that is watching every week.

The season premiere was hosted by Alec Baldwin, who broke Steve Martin's record for most times hosting. This, of course, made for a fun monologue sketch featuring Mr. Martin, who is now becoming a staple of each Baldwin SNL appearance:

Steve Martin Tests Alec Baldwin for Drugs

The first commercial parody of the season was fantastic, and I was especially impressed by its production value. Please witness the brilliance that it Kristen Wiig:

Kristen Wiig for Red Flag

I was also glad to see the retro-impression audition bit come back for this episode, since Alec Baldwin is quite a good impressionist (as are several other members of the SNL cast):

Top Gun Auditions

the bachelor pad: (belated) finale

2011-10-01T11:31:00.005-04:00

I know, I know -- it's been WAY too long to even bring this up. We're not even talking about it anymore. Vienna WHO? Kasey the WHAT? Jake...Blake...Snake...they all just seem like a foggy, wine-soaked memory now.

And honestly, after seeing the finale, I was actually too mad to even write up a recap.

Not about the winners! Oh, goodness, no -- I was fine with ex-fiances Holly and Michael splitting the prize, and I was happy to see Graham and Michelle in the final four. What pissed me off was the collective decision to "surprise" Michael with the news that Holly and Snake were engaged.

I mean, the moral bar is already set pretty low on this show...saying that this was below the belt is really saying something.

Chris Harrison said in an interview that Holly had "plenty of time" (two days) to tell Michael about the engagement before the finale was shot. But I'm sure someone put a little pressure on her to keep Michael in the dark. Think about it -- it was the only way any suspense could be created regarding whether or not Michael would opt to share the prize money with Holly.

I'm just glad Micheal's true character prevailed and he was able to remain the good guy that he's always been in front of the ABC cameras (and away from them, I would guess).

Before I put this matter to bed, I want to leave the rest of the recapping to my Interwebs pal Tally (a.k.a. Live2Tivo), whose Bachelor Pad 2 Recap song was featured on Glamour magazine's blog!!! Take it away, girl:

OK, I know I'm behind on several things:

1) I still need to show you how awesome it was to see Lady Danville on tour with Guster
2) The Sing-Off is already two weeks in, so we need to take a quick look at that
3) Fall television is BACK!!! And we need to look at a couple of new shows that are worth your DVR space.

Sorry for my absence lately. I'll make it up to you in hilarious video clips later.

Lisa ;)

the bachelor pad 2: the smell of victory

2011-09-12T19:03:00.011-04:00

Awww, did you guys think I forgot about you?

Well...I did, kinda. Oops!

Let's quick-cap last week's episode before tonight's Bachelor Pad three-hour binge-fest of a season finale.

Everything...Is About...To Change!

Chris Harrison plays the World's Smallest Violin for the remaining contestants, who are sad to see William go. "Why the long faces, guys? I told you these votes would get harder. Suck it up, Buttercup! Oh, P.S...pick a partner and get to know them because you're playing as couples for the rest of the game."

Now that Blake has finally rid himself of Melissa, he's hoping to partner up with Holly. But Holly's loyalty lies with ex-fiance Michael, so Blake is left with The Best Thing About This Show -- Erica.

Everyone but Kasey and Vienna spends the night learning random information about each other in preparation for this week's challenge. Kasey and Vienna don't need to study, because they're Jedi Jenius Mensa Puppet Masters.

The Nearly-Wed Game

C-Hare must have had an extra helping of snark with his Wheaties this morning. Or maybe he's just ready to be finished with these idiots. He needlessly announces that the winning couple will win roses and a one-on-one date away from the house.

Kasey knows he and Vienna have got this one in the bag. Victory is so close, he can smell it.

But the game doesn't go as predicted; while the couples who hardly know each other are somehow knocking the answers out of the park, the Ex-Fiances and Jedi Jenius Lovers are totally bombing. A sampling of the questions:

How many dates before sex?
Vienna: 22.
Kasey: Wrong. It's 7.

Holly: Umm...24?
Michael: I have no idea. I put 3.
Holly: WHAT?!
C-Hare: How many dates before you slept with Michael?
Holly: 32.

What do your exes miss the most about you?
Vienna: My boobs.
Kasey: Wrong. Your teeth.

Holly: My personality.
Michael: I put eyes. I don't know!!!

Which quality did your exes hate the most?
Kasey: My insecurity.
Vienna: No, your facial hair! I THOUGHT YOU HAD AN IQ OF 177!!!

Which other person would you sleep with in the house?
Holly: Umm...Blake.
Michael: Michael. Me. Myself. This guy. Gaaaah, I don't like Rhymes-With-Snake very much! I want to punch him in his perfect dentist teeth!!!

The Strategy Award this week goes to Graham and Michelle, who came up with a nearly fool-proof plan: Use "Michael" for any question in which the answer is a boy's name, "Holly" for any question in which the answer is a girl's name, and "7" for any question in which the answer is a number. This makes things a little awkward when Graham is asked how old he was when he lost his virginity, but up to that point, no one catches on to their game plan.

Well done!

The smarties win, but Blake and Erica get the second-place prize of a one-on-one date. And with it comes THE TWIST!

Erica's Last Stand

Erica knows she's on a sinking ship with Blake as her partner. Blake isn't helping his or his partner's cause by flirting with Holly and giving Michael and his allies plenty of reason to get rid of him.

First, Erica tries to reason with Michael to get his focus off of Blake.
Michael: He is not a good guy, and I'm concerned for Holly.
Erica: You have Holly on a pedestal, but it takes two to tango. Your issue is with Holly, not Blake.

Good point, but Michael's too far gone to talk off the ledge. Time for Plan B.

Your Mission is Romance

After the date card arrives, Erica shoos everyone away from the living room so she can explain to Blake why he's put her at a disadvantage. And since Blake refuses to see how his emotions are getting in the way of his survival in the house, Erica calmly explains that their only chance of survival is to get Michael -- the person who hates him most -- voted out. And that means sending Holly home along with him.

Well, as our favorite matchmaker, Patti Stanger, would say, "the penis does the picking!" And there's no way Blake is sending home the object of his affections.

Erica moves on to Plan C, which involves a lot of lingerie. Now, while the show sort of paints this to look like Erica's last-ditch effort to get a little action on the show, here's what I think she's trying to do: get Blake to stay overnight with her, create reasonable belief that they slept together or at least fooled around, and thus give Holly a reason to cut ties with Blake. Think about it:

1. She packs up a week's supply of bonkers underwear in front of Holly and the rest of the girls. She's displaying an intent to get intimate with Blake.

2. She knows that the rest of the house doesn't like Blake or trust his character, so she knows they will do some of the work for her. As Kirk said, "Blake will get three sheets to the wind and do something stupid."

3. She makes it obvious to Blake that she wants to get physical (cue Olivia Newton-John, please...)

Too bad Blake is hopelessly devoted to Holly and refuses Erica's advances.

4. So what? Sex, schmex! Erica explains that as long as they make the date an overnight stay and imply that they "had a good time," her plan will still work. She tries to explain to Blake that the target on his back will only grow if he comes home early, implying that he's too interested in Holly to spend time with another girl. Blake seems to totally misread this as just another girl in the house falling in love with his well-kept teeth and smooth personality, and refuses to stay for the rest of the date. Erica can kiss that cash prize goodbye.

And then comes THE TWIST! A pair of roses on the dinner table during Blake and Erica's date. They are charged with the mission of saving another couple in the house. The advantage is obvious: whoever receives this rose now owes Blake and Erica and presumably will try to keep them in the house.

To me, the answer is obvious -- give the roses to Michael and Holly, who have strong alliances in the house. Plus, Holly will fight to keep Blake around. Sure, Michael will die on the inside, but at least they'll all still be there.

But no, Blake and Erica make The Dumbest Decision of the Game Yet and give the pair of roses to the pair of Jeniuses.

Idiots.

But with every act of stupidity comes (hopefully) a lesson. Kasey and Vienna, the so-called "power couple" who is allegedly running the house with their Jedi Puppetry, promise Blake and Erica safety in return for the immunity roses.

And then what happens? Blake and Erica are swiftly eliminated.

What does this tell us, children? At least one of two things: either Kasey and Vienna don't have the influence over the rest of the house that everyone thought they did, or they're dirty backstabbers who break promises without batting a lash.

At this point, I'd like to point out that Kasey and Vienna haven't won a SINGLE challenge, nor are they generally well-liked throughout the house. They've proved themselves to be weak competitors, unbearable housemates, and untrustworthy allies. How they've managed to stay in the house, much less be perceived as the couple holding the most power, is completely beyond me.

If these two win the whole thing, I'm never watching this show again.

Until next summer.

Finale time! See you after!
Lisa ;)

the bachelor pad 2: played for a fool

2011-09-02T15:27:00.015-04:00

Before looking back at last week's Bachelor Pad shenanigans, I have to tell you something:

I saw Kasey and Vienna at Disney World this weekend.

I don't have my own picture of them, because the couple was being ushered through Fantasyland at a serious pace by a cluster of Disney World personnel; I felt like stopping them to ask for a picture would have been inappropriate.

Also, I was kind of freaked out of my mind and thought I was just imagining things because I'd been watching too much crap on TV.

Luckily, my friend Sara was with me, and she was able to confirm that the couple walking right past us was in fact the Jedi Jenius and Everyone's Favorite Floridian. Also, I totally could tell that is was Kasey when I heard him speaking, and Sara was able to point out The Tattoo.

And to further back up my claim, here's more proof that they were there:

"Bachelor Pad": Vienna, Kasey play golf at Disney World

OK, and now down to business!

Last week a close vote sent Jake home. This week, we saw the fallout.

Instead of doing the more traditional group-hug exit, Jake opts for a parting speech, in which he congratulates the group on almost sending Kasey home and instructs the remaining contestants to "do the right thing" and start voting out the power couples, starting with You-Know-Who. Jake then tells Kasey it was "amazing" to meet him, bows to Vienna (what a dork), and climbs into the limo.

Aww, Kasey, where was that punch in the face for America you swore you'd deliver?!! Now we'll have to wait till the finale for you to come through on that.

Instead of the promised punch, Kasey saves his retorts for after Jake has left the premises. As the limo pulls away, Kasey mumbles, "I guess that shows who the bigger man is, dude." Later in front of the confessional camera, Kasey has an even better comeback:

"You think the wrong guy went home? Well, you're a jackass!"

Oooh, snap! Can we add "biting wit" to Kasey's Mensa application now?

Once back inside, Erica observes Vienna and Kasey as they celebrate their arch-rival's departure:

"They were sitting there with ugly little smug expressions on their ugly little faces. I think everyone is sick of them."

See, this is why I love Erica.

Vienna takes a moment to thank "everyone" (just over half of the group) for voting off Jake. "I know a lot of you guys did it for me, and it means so much. Thank you!"

"You're welcome," the others mumble before exiting the room. The vibe is easy to read -- the people who voted Jake out did it as step one of two in returning the house to some peace and order. They may as well have said, "You're next."

The 2nd Annual Bachelor Pad Kissing Contest

Chris Harrison is nearly giddy to announce this week's challenge because it was the favorite of BP's inaugural season. Thank goodness Gia has already dismissed herself from the house, because I was not about to deal with another sob-fest from her over having to kiss all the boys. Michelle does pull herself out of the game because she wants to set a better example for her daughter. Interestingly, Ella sees her child as her reason to stay in the competition.

Thoughts, anyone? Leave a comment!

The boys start their first round with Holly, who confesses that most of the guys kissed her "like a grandma" out of respect for her history with Michael. When Michael steps up to kiss Holly -- and I'm going to borrow a phrase from our favorite Bachelorette sibling here -- hearts are exploding!!! Michael returns to the line-up with stars in his eyes.

And then Blake steps up.

We've all known that Blake has had a thing for Holly since the first night, and he shows he's ballsy enough to give Holly a real kiss in front of her ex-fiance. And Blake proceeds to knock the socks off of more than just Holly as the kissing contest continues:

Ella: "Those were baby-makin' kisses!"
Melissa: "He says he just wants our partnership to be platonic, but he totally has feelings for me."

The only girl Blake doesn't slip a little tongue is Vienna, for obvious reasons. No matter, because we know Vienna would only vote for her heart's guard and protector, Kasey. She gushes that she could definitely tell which kiss was Kasey's.

As the girls take their turn handing out kisses, I think I know why.

All of the girls comment on how Kasey was plagued with bad breath; they even make gagging faces to each other during the competition! Not that Vienna seems to notice; she's too busy covering her eyes every time some other girl kisses her boyfriend. For goodness' sake, woman!

Erica and her bi-annually-injected lips are next; the guys all seem to find her approach a bit too aggressive and sloppy.

"And her boobs were touching me the whole time," adds Kirk, who reacted like a little boy who was just weirded out by an uncomfortable display of affection by his grandmother.

Ella's kisses are met with much better reviews, but the real show-stopper is, once again, the Holly/Michael/Blake triangle. Holly and Michael's exchange is once again met with exploding hearts, and afterwards Michael does this:

Seriously, is this guy a dead ringer for Charlie Day or what?!

But when Blake reappears, Holly leans into her mini-make out session with him, and it's clear there are (and now I borrow from Michelle) FIREWORKS between them as well.

C-Hare meets the contestants inside to announce that Ella and Blake are the winners of the challenge, and that their prizes are immunity roses, one-on-one dates, and roses to give away on those dates.

Date 1: Up in the Air

Ella's date card arrives first, and she predictably chooses Kirk to go with her, as they're game partners. How cute is Kirk in his little sweater and pink tie? The two take a flashy red sports car to a plush house in the hills, where they find pizza and s'mores waiting for them by a cozy fireplace. After Kirk and Ella bond over their hardship-related reasons for wanting to win the money, they head out to the backyard where a hot air balloon is waiting for them.

Aww, I was hoping that fireplace was going to be full of balloons and that this would happen:

But I guess a hot air balloon is pretty cool.

Kirk and Ella talk about finding romance, and they kiss each other, but I think it was just at the behest of the on-location producers. I don't really see anything there but a mutual respect and motivation to win the prize.

Date 2: Love is a Slippery Slope

Melissa immediately assumes that since Blake is her partner (is that still happening?!) she will be going on the one-on-one date with him. But as suspected, Blake has other plans.

Melissa: I can not believe we pulled this off. I mean, this is epic. Think about it -- you were in danger of going home last week, I was in danger of going home this week, and now we're both safe!
Blake: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves--
Melissa: Where do you think we're going on our date? Ohmigosh, I can't wait to get out of this house. Won't it be great to spend a whole 24 hours together, just me and you?
Blake: Well...but...I haven't actually decided anything.
Melissa: You mean about who you want to vote out this week?
Blake: I mean about who I want to take on the date.
Melissa: WHAT!!!!???!?!?!?!

Despite a compelling proposal for partnership from Erica delivered during a sensual massage, Blake predictably picks the girl he has a crush on -- Holly -- to go on the date with him.

Melissa, the grown-up that she is, demands an explanation from Blake in front of Holly and the entire house. I mean, he pinky-sweared that he was going to take Melissa on that date! Before Blake can offer any explanation, Melissa performs a run-from-the-room-crying scene that would put any of the Tanner sisters from Full House to shame. Michelle follows her upstairs.

Michelle: This is the LAST time I'm going to channel Oprah and try to help you. You're getting so crazy that even I can't feel sorry for you. You knew Blake was untrustworthy, yet you still chose to trust him and get your feelings involved.
Melissa: Blake is a LIAR! And Holly is a slutty-aS$-b!tch.
Michelle: WOAH!!! Language! Holly has nothing to do with this.
Melissa: YES SHE DOES! SHE WAS IN ON IT THE ENTIRE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa marches downstairs and tries to get Michael to come aboard the crazy train by telling him that Holly doesn't care about him and that she will try to get him voted off so she can be partners with Blake because she is "playing us for a fool." Though Michael's feelings for Holly are leading him up to that crazy train platform, he has yet to punch his ticket.

Running out of options, Melissa does what is probably the most desperate thing possible -- she tries to convince Holly not to go on the date.

Melissa: As a girl, why would you do this to me??!!!
Holly: I don't know what you're talking about; I'm too busy being confused about my feelings.
Melissa: Why don't you just admit that you knew Blake was going to ask you on the date and that you're secretly plotting my demise?
Holly: Uhhh, what?
Melissa: You're always flirting with him! If you want him, just say so.
Holly: Uh, do you see this headband with the giant flower on it? Did you see the bow I was wearing in my hair yesterday and the black tutu I wore to the rose ceremony last week? I'm a flirt; it's kind of my thing. I flirt with everyone.
Melissa: Do you flirt with Kasey?
Holly: No, because he's gross. Also because he and Vienna are in a serious relationship.
Melissa: You're not flirting with Vienna's boyfriend, so why would you flirt with my--
Holly: Are you and Blake in a serious relationship?

At this point, Melissa's head spins all the way around. She finally rants to the confessional camera that Blake should be disqualified for being a "BLEEEEEP." Whatever that is.

Although Blake often comes across as a self-centered d-bag, he is oddly genuine when he's with Holly. They are flown to the ski slopes, where Holly proceeds to bite the snow consistently. And then she and Blake do the whole roll-around-in-the-snow, throw-snowballs-at-each-other cuteness that winter themed dates are made for. Dare I say, it was actually...kind of...cute.

Blake offers the date rose and an overnight extension of the date to Holly, both of which she accepts.

Back at the house, Michael is sitting in front of the fireplace (shirtless?) waiting for Holly to get back. When she does return, she admits that things got a bit makey-outey with Blake on the date, and she finally gives Michael an ultimatum: figure out what you want now, because there are other cute guys who want to make out with me.

The Rose Ceremony

As soon as C-Hare clinks his glass, the contestants seem to have this week's elimination decided -- Kasey and Vienna. But somehow, Jedi Jenius catches wind of this uprising and uses a "really sneaky strategy" to shift the women's votes away from him -- he tells everyone that he needs the money to keep his grandma alive.

Bad form, Kasey. I mean, really, even for you.

Now William is being targeted, as he's the least significant player in the house. William pretty much throws in the towel, realizing he's a sitting duck. Meanwhile, the guys decide to vote Melissa out as a courtesy to Blake -- as well as for their own sanity:

Graham: "I don't even talk to her, and she sucks the life out of me."

When Melissa discovers that she's on the chopping block, she panics and begins running around to badger all of the guys about who they voted out. When she adds up the tallies and realizes that she's a goner, Melissa runs to Kasey with a desperate plea for help. Kasey assures Melissa that he's going to vote for Erica. Too bad Kasey's already made his trip to the ballot box.

Kasey: "I felt like I had to lie to her, or she was gonna cut my nuts off."

Again, not making this up.

The roses go to:

Graham
Michelle
Michael
Vienna
Kasey
Erica

William shed a single tear, admitting it's harder to leave than he thought it would be, but that he was a weak player and the rest of the house could see that. Melissa cries out of every orifice in her face, and finally huddles against the seat of the limo. Michelle tearfully narrates:

"Blake is a snake; I do not trust him. William is the salt of the earth, and he doesn't deserve to be sent home. Melissa is not mentally and emotionally equipped for this. You never know who is telling the truth, and who is going to turn around and stab you in the back. And that. Is the game. Of Bachelor Pad.

New episode tonight! Let's watch Erica try to seduce Blake into being her partner using her sexuality!

Lisa ;)

the bachelor pad 2: promise rings and speedos

2011-08-29T10:33:00.010-04:00

Coming off of last week's rose ceremony, Blake is still coming to grips with the terrible choice he made in a game partner -- more specifically, the terrible choice he made in sticking his booze-soaked tongue down his partner's throat to seal the deal. He tries to fix the situation by inviting her to talk about what happened. Melissa is not warming up to the idea.

Melissa: I can't believe you! Why would you even act that way? You hurt my feelings so much and now everyone thinks you're a jerk! I was watching you, and from 4:00 p.m. to 10:30 you did nothing but follow Holly around and flirt with her! When she went to the kitchen, you wnt to the kitchen. When she sat down, you sat down. When she laughed and scratched her nose, you laughed and scratched your nose. And I am not the only person who noticed all of that.
Blake: Is there any way we can just--
Melissa: Why don't you start with an apology? Maybe even use this written one that I prepared between sob sessions at 9:45 and 10:15 p.m.? It goes like this, "I am so sorry that I was dishonest with you and played you like a fool after our amazing, romantic night together. I would never want to jeopardize our serendipitous partnership."
Blake: OK, I'm sorry --
Melissa: It doesn't matter because you should have noticed that I was upset between 4:15 p.m. after I first caught you talking to Holly until 11:32 p.m. when I was upstairs crying my eyes out. You should have been thinking, "Where's Melissa right now? How is Melissa feeling? What is Melissa doing? Is Melissa ok?" Because that's what boyfriends do!!!!
Blake: I've made a huge mistake.

Sink or Swim

The morning after the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison brings the kids out to the pool for this week's challenge -- synchronized swimming. The contestants are sorted into teams by gender, and each group is assigned a real-life synchronized swimmer to teach them the routine. The best guy and girl of each team's performance will win the immunity rose.

Despite having several ex-cheerleaders, swimmers, and dancers on their team, the girls are a bit of a hot mess. And Erica is hardly able to keep her head above water, figuratively speaking; she can't dive, she can't dance, and she apparently can't tell her right from her left.

Meanwhile, the guys have quickly gotten over their manhood issues with today's activity, and they're working hard to get the routine down. Jake is especially hopeful that his mental durability, physical strength, problem-solving ability, and Dancing With the Stars technique will help him win. Too bad Michael is an actual dancer and has stepped up as the clear leader.

At competition time, the teams suit up -- for the girls, this means giant plastic flowers blooming from their ta-tas; for the guys, this means Speedos.

Erica decides to vote on a winner at this point in the competition, and she chooses Jake.

Judging the contest are Bachelor Pad Season 1 winners Dave and Natalie, and an actual synchronized swimming coach. The girls are up first, and they scramble through their routine. Kirk remarks that Erica is "floating around to her own song," and at one point in the routine, Natalie leans over to Dave and mutters, "This is godawful!" Although Vienna has already declared herself the best by far of all the ladies, the judges award the rose to Michelle. YAY!

The guys are next, and their routine is much more put-together than the girls'. I noticed that Jake was counting out loud the entire time -- is that one of the techniques he learned on DWTS? Obviously, the judges choose Michael as the clear winner of the rose.

After apologizing to the real synchronized swimmers for dishonoring their sport, C-Hare dismisses the contestants back into the house. Jake immediately starts trying to rally support for his plan to oust Kasey by cuddling with Erica. Meanwhile, Kasey and Vienna are already fighting again because Vienna displayed some gracious sportsmanlike conduct to Jake and in Kasey's mind, this is RUINING everything. Per usual, they decide to argue outside in front of everyone else in the house, because that's how mature adults do it. Vienna whines that Kasey isn't protecting her and that she doesn't even want to be here, and Kasey asks her if she wants to have another public break-up on national TV. He later confesses to the camera that this game would be a lot more fun if he didn't have his stupid fame-whore girlfriend here. Also, if he were single.

I think Kasey and Vienna are the ABC version of Jersey Shore's Sammi and Ronnie.

Group Date: Michelle

Michelle chooses three gentlemen to accompany her to the vineyards:

Graham, because she has a crush on him
Blake, because she needs to Oprah him out of a sticky situation with Melissa
Kasey, for reasons I don't understand.

After settling in with a glass of wine, Michelle pulls Blake aside to discuss Melissa-Gate 2011.

Michelle: Look, I know she's crazy. But you have to fix this. You made her mad, and she's not making you look very good right now.
Blake: So you're saying I should pretend to be interested in her.
Michelle: No, I'm not saying you should lead her on. Just talk to her and make good.
Blake: So you're saying I should lead her on.
Michelle: No. You need to make up with her.
Blake: Got it. I need to make out with her.
Michelle: No! Just fix it!!!

After a few more glasses of wine, Michelle opts for some one-on-one time with Graham. "I really like him," she says, "But something makes me think he's not that into me."

Man, that sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before?

While Michelle tries to figure out where Graham is emotionally, I enjoy ABC's fine editing work:

(one-shot, Michelle)
Michelle: I didn't expect to have a crush on anybody, but I do.
(one-shot, Graham and his extremely red nose thanks to a lot of red wine)
Graham: Are you saying you have a crush on me?
(one-shot, Michelle)
Michelle: Maybe. I just want to know how you feel.
(one-shot, Graham with a rose on his lapel! How did that get there?)
Graham: I think you're really great and I feel like making out.
(two-shot, Michelle and Graham and NO rose)
Michelle: Me too! Be right back.

I do love that Michelle tried to distract the other to guys with the ol' "Hey, what's that over there?" trick while retrieving the rose from the dinner table.

Michelle and Graham get all makey-outey as we listen to a less-intoxicated voiceover of Graham vaguely stating his romantic interest in Michelle.

Group Date: Michael

Michael chooses his trio of ladies for a horseback excursion in the mountains: Vienna and Ella, to get them out of the house
Holly, because she's his game partner and he is also totally not over her.

The date card says "Every Rose Has Its Thorns," and the group tries to figure out what that means. Vienna guesses that it means something like, "with every rose comes something bad." Wow, Kasey should be letting her wear the "Jenius" t-shirt.

After the girls scream in 12-year-old ecstasy at the horses they'll be riding, they saddle up and start along the mountain trail to the dulcet sounds of Vienna's whining. She complains about her helmet, the lack of shade, the smelliness of the horses, the heat, the pollution in the air, and the amount of sweat she's excreted.

My apologies to Vienna; She may have been right! I think we found the thorn that comes with every rose, don't you?

Predictably Michael awards the date rose to Holly so they can enjoy a private serenade from Bret Michaels on his otherwise empty tour bus.

It's a tad awkward.

Back at the house, Kasey the Jedi Jenius Master takes a moment to himself on the balcony:

"I don't think people realize how much I'm going through here emotionally. My mind is going 1,000 miles per second to figure out how to keep my alliance together, how to keep them strong. Has anyone seen a letter for me from Mensa? I'm expecting it any day."

I Made You a Promise...and Put It on Your Finger

Because its his and Vienna's six-month anniversary, he decides to surprise her with a special gift that comes in a ring-sized box.

Kasey: I just want you to know home much I love you. It hurts me to see you get hurt becuase when your heart hurts, my heart hurts. I wanted to get you something to assure you that I know you're the only one for me.
Vienna: You're scaring me! I don't want that to be an engagement ring.
Kasey: Ughhhh, why would you say that? I'm trying to do something incredibly sweet and you just ruined the moment. It's a promise ring.
Vienna: Oh. YEEEEAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!

Kasey then treats us to something that I have to admit I had forgotten about: his impromptu singing.

There are not words to describe how much shrieking, squirming, face-hiding, and laughing there was in my living room as my sister and I watched that.

Inside the mansion, Jake the Aspiring Hero is trying to work the guys toward the bottom of the pecking order in an attempt to rally more votes against Kasey and Vienna. He later solidifies his alliance with Erica through a sloppy, disgusting, and awkward make-out session. Good thing Erica enjoyed it:

"I have good lips that I maintain with injections every six months, and I'm a good kisser."

Again, I did not make that one up.

Erica is, oddly, the smartest game-player I've seen out of this whole pack. After he lip work-out with Jake, she goes back to the other girls in the "Big Alliance" (also known as Kasey and Vienna's Alliance, also known as Everyone in the House Except Jake) to talk about voting Jake off. And when Erica notices Melissa is talking to Jake as well, she points this out to the other girls and follows up with, "How crazy is she, you guys?"

Erica then builds a perfect case against Melissa -- she always makes decisions based on her emotions and not her logic, she's a crazy mess, and she can't be trusted to stay loyal to any alliance or strategic plan. Then all Erica has to do is let Melissa put the nail in her own coffin by flying off the handle when she discovers Erica's been putting her down.

Once Blake sees how little Melissa's opinion seems to matter to the rest of the girls, he finally decides to man up and explain to her that he only wants to be game partners -- not romantic partners. This sends Melissa over the edge, and who's there to catch her? Jake. Taking advantage of her need for attention, he hugs her close and makes her part of the plan to overthrow the Jedi Jenius.

Rose Ceremony

C-Hare clinks his glass and announces the rules for this week's voting:

"Well, as magical as it was, Ames's decision to leave with Jackie totally screwed up our plans to make the house uneven. So this week, only one man will be voted out."

It's too easy -- for one reason or another, everyone has wanted to get rid of Jake from the first night, and now is the perfect opportunity to do so. But Jake, the aspiring hero that he is, will not go down without a fight. He collects votes against Kasey from Erica, Melissa, Blake, William (who I keep forgetting is there), and Ella. Ella tries to convince her partner, Kirk, to vote out Kasey as well. And while I would be all for it, I understand why Kirk feels torn. His true alliance seems to be with Michael and Graham, who as of this stage in the game are still closely aligned with Kasey. If he votes against Kasey, he could reap the consequences the following week by being targeted.

When it's finally time for the results, it's also dangerously close to the end of the show's allotted two hours. Harrison calls out the names of the four men who are safe in this week's rose ceremony:

Kirk
William
Blake
Kasey

And we go to commercial. That's it?! No big goodbyes? No limo ride? Nothing?

I guess they're saving it all for tonight's episode. It better be good.

See you after!
Lisa ;)

the per-FACT bachelorette parody!

2011-08-24T13:13:00.005-04:00

Hello, friends!

We have so much to talk about -- including this week's song-tastic Bachelor Pad 2 episode (I can't believe I'd forgotten Kasey's penchant for cringe-inducing impromptu balladry), AND my first live Lady Danville show (I have to admit, I was not prepared for how adorable and talented this trio is in real life).

But first, because I know you all as the faithful Bachelorette readers and viewers that you are, I just had to share this with you:

"Bachelorette" Ashley Is Single Again - watch more funny videos

Come back for some BP2 dish and LD concert deets very soon!

Lisa ;)

the bachelor pad 2: that is a MAN!

2011-08-21T13:12:00.010-04:00

As you may recall, Kasey is under the impression that he is the mastermind of this competition and that everything is going according to his plan. Even though Jake has Nice Guy'd his way out of giving Kasey the chance to punch him in the face on behalf of America and his girlfriend Vienna, Kasey is still throwing "mental punches" at Jake to wear him down.

As is becoming the case with the Bachelor Pad recaps, I did not make that up; Kasey actually said that. On camera.

The morning after the first rose ceremony, Chris Harrison welcomes the remaining players to their next challenge.

"Target on Your Back"

The idea of the game is that the men and women will take turns throwing paint-filled eggs at the person they think is the most deceitful, least attractive...and again, I'm not making this up.

The girls get the first round of target practice, aiming for the person they find least attractive. The producers' design here is obviously to stir up drama by humiliating the players with the public knowledge that someone thinks they're dumb, ugly, or in danger of being voted out -- but without the knowledge of who that someone is. C-Hare makes sure this happens by announcing the target each time -- even when the egg-thrower MISSES.

Example 1: Vienna, a self-proclaimed softball prodigy, makes the obvious decision to throw her "least attractive" paint-bomb at Jake. But she throws the egg completely over his head, after which C-Hare announces, "That was intended for Jake."

As the ladies are still trying to warm up their throwing arms, there are several misses in the first round. One direct hit, however, is Erica's throw at Kasey.

Kasey is, naturally, incredulous:

"I mean, come on. I've got the hottest girl in the house as my girlfriend, so I'm definitely not the least attractive."

Now, I don't want to doubt the sound logic of your statement, Kasey. But I just want to point out a few possible holes -- first of all, having an attractive partner doesn't make you attractive. Here are a couple of examples:

Now, it can be argued that these men have attractive qualities like extensive wealth and fame, and maybe Kasey thinks that winning Bachelor Pad and its $250,000 prize will put him in this category. But that still leaves the statement that his girfriend, Vienna, is the "hottest girl in the house," up for debate.

Let's not open that can of worms. The guys will do it for us in a minute anyway.

During Round 2, C-Hare asks the girls who is least deserving of the final prize. Jake is the overwhelming favorite target. Kasey, wearing a t-shirt that says, "GENIUS," later exclaims that the sound of paint splattering on Jake's back was music to his ears.

Throughout the second and third rounds, the guys notice two of the lady contestants have a bit of a cannon -- Jackie and Melissa. In fact, the contest comes down to a tie-breaker round between the two, from which Melissa emerges the winner.

Now it's the men's turn; their first question is, "Which woman would be most likely to cheat on you while dating." Again, too easy for Jake, who lands the target on Vienna's back. Kasey inexplicably aims for Ella, but he misses.

Ella: Um, are you freakin' kidding me rahhht now? Ahh never cheat; ahh just break up with 'em first!

I seriously love her.

Also somewhat inexplicable is everyone's decision to throw eggs at Erica, who up to now has flown under the radar. The majority of the guys target Erica for being the least attractive, including challenge winner Michael, who pitches an 80 mph paint-egg right into the back of her neck. The poor guy immediately feels terrible, and he later admits that he's not proud of how he won the competition.

Erica starts crying after the game is over, and the rest of the girls rally around her to cheer her up. Michelle grabs Erica's face with both hands and showers her with affirmations. See? We knew she wasn't a meanie!

Erica confesses later that the emotional pain of the paint-bombs was worse than the physical pain:

"It just hurts to know that nobody here thinks I'm attractive. And I can't help it; I'm just naturally curvaceous." (I hear ya, girl! I'm with you!) "I mean, if you look at the other girls here, a lot of them are skinny with big boobs, and half of them have fake boobs." (Okay, probably somewhat true, but...) "And I don't think it's fair to pick on me especially when there's someone here like Ella who is way bigger than I am, and I don't think she's that pretty."

Woah, woah, woah. First of all, Ella is gorgeous. Secondly? She's 31 and has had children. Step off, Erica!

Michael and Melissa each win a rose and a group date. When Michael's date card arrives, he chooses his three companions:

Erica, because he feels terrible for her and wants to make up for it.
Michelle, because he wants to get to know her better.
Holly, because she's his ex-fiancee and he most likely wants to repair their relationship.

Group Date 1: Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Michelle, who is quickly emerging as the Oprah of the house, notes that it's a little awkward to be on a date with a guy and his ex-fiancee, but that she's interested to see how they act around each other.

The limo pulls up to Linda Vista, an infamously scary and abandoned hospital from the 1920s and 30s that is now used mainly as a filming location. You may recognize it from Pearl Harbor, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Ghost Adventures. Michael is freaking out because he and Holly once read a book about this place:

"Lots of bad stuff happened there. LOTS!!! This is awful. And by awful, I mean AWESOME!!!"

Something about this guy reminds me of Charlie Day.

The group heads inside with a night-vision handheld camera a la Ghost Adventures and explores the hospital. The girls flip out at every turn, and Michael contineus to flip out at how awesome this date is.

While Michael and Erica try to commune with the dead over an old folder of hospital records, Michelle sits down with Holly for some serious girl-talk.

Michelle: I kind of get the feeling--

(Strange noise makes her stop and look around.)

Michelle: I kind of get the feeling--

(Strange noise makes her stop and look around.)

Michelle: I kind of get--

(Strange noise makes her stop and give the ghosts crazy eyes so they'll leave her alone.)

Michelle: I kind of get the feeling like there's still something between you and Michael. How do you feel?
Holly: I don't know.

Michelle uses her alone time with Michael in the candlelit hospital chapel to get him to open up about his feelings for Holly. Michael fills Michelle in on the details of their relationship, engagement, and break-up. He explains that they got back together after calling off the engagement, but that he eventually broke it off again because he knew he couldn't propose to her again.

Michelle: So, what if she starts being interested in someone else in the house?
Michael: I wouldn't know how to act.

Michelle says she thinks Holly needs to get the rose so she and Michael can have the chance to speak openly. Michael gives Holly the rose, and they head for the rooftop. Then here's what happens:

Michael says it's hard to be around her without hanging out with her, and that he just wants her to be happy.
Holly says she didn't know why they broke up, and Michael reminds her that she kept saying something was missing, and that it didn't seem like anything Michael could fix.
Both start sobbing.
Holly says the timing was off, and that by the time she finally loved him, he didn't love her.
Michael says he still loves and misses her.
Holly says, "Don't you feel like we were always best friends?" Michael says, "No. I always knew I wanted to marry you, not be friends."
They hug and cry some more.

So...I know there's a lot that was cut out of the final edit, but to me this sounded like a closure talk from Michael's side of the table. Which doesn't explain to me why Holly tells the girls the next morning that she thinks Michael wants to get back together with her.

While the guys' and girls' rooms are discussing Holly and Michael, Ames and Jackie are out on the pool deck after finishing their morning jog and yoga session, making out over a pair of croissants and mimosas.

Elswhere, Vienna and Kasey are making out on the living room couch, which they've covered in their own scent to mark their territory.

Group Date 2: A Yacht of Fun

Melissa picks Kirk, Kasey, and Blake for her date upon a private yacht. Her plan is to make a deal with Kasey by giving him the date rose this week on the condition that he saves her next week. Kasey agrees to Melissa's plan, stating later to the camera that Melissa is expendable, but he is willing to give her the chance to prove her loyalty. Gracious Godfather that he is.

Oh, brother.

Blake has heard it through the grapevine that Melissa has a bit of a crush on him, and he's planning to use that to his advantage to get a rose. He leads Melissa below deck (a-thank you) for a make-out session.

Kirk, God bless him, is just happy to be alive and enjoying a day on a yacht.

Melissa awards Blake for whoring himself out, which pisses off Kasey. As Kasey and Kirk climb into the rejection boat, Blake and Melissa booze it up on the yacht and make a pact to play as partners for the rest of the game.

Side note -- Who else loved Kirk for putting his arm around Kasey and remarking that he and Kasey would share a romantic ride back to shore?! The guy is adorable. What is he doing here?

Jake's Plan (Part 1)

Back at the house, Vienna is continuing to spread the gospel of her terrifying experience as the fiancee of Jake the Monster. Jake, who has been brooding alone all day over his imminent expulsion from the house, decides on a last-ditch plan -- he's going to ask Vienna for help.

He first appeals to Vienna in front of the rest of the girls, while Melissa, Kasey, and company are on their group date. Vienna denies Jake an audience until Kasey can be present.

The girls have just seen Jake, who has been careful not to say a single negative word about Vienna to anyone else in the house, treated rudely by Vienna, who has had only negative things to say about Jake to everyone else in the house. Thus Jake's plan starts to take effect -- people are starting to see Jake as blameless and Vienna as hurtful.

Gia is working on a plan of her own. Having borrowed a legal pad from the production staff, she is mapping out her little strategy for kicking out the power couples. Sure she is doomed for the chopping block this week, she shares her strategy with Graham so that he can carry on her work after she's gone.

Graham talks her down by telling her what I think we've all been thinking: she's not in any greater danger than anyone else. She's come in last place in both competitions, so no one sees her as a physical threat. She's not at the center of any drama, so she's not on anyone's personal radar. He agrees with her that Kasey and Vienna need to go, but tells her to cool her jets. Gia is calmed enough to rip up her little strategy sheet and throw it away.

Meanwhile, Holly and Blake are flirting -- a fact that is not missed by Melissa. She crashes their pajama party upstairs and starts crying about how much she's trying to prove that she's not a crazy lady or drama queen after "that one episode" of The Bachelor. This reveals to Blake that Melissa is, indeed, a crazy lady. I can't help but laugh at him for picking one of the most emotionally unstable people in the house as an ally.

Jake's Plan (Part 2)

Now that Kasey has returned to the house, Jake makes a second appeal to Vienna and Kasey as a couple (in front of Kirk, Ella, and others, once again). He begs them for help out of "the kindness of their hearts."

Kasey: Why do you think you deserve to be here, peasant?
Jake: Because I'm going to donate all of my winnings to my charity, "On the Wings of --"
Vienna: NO! I'm going to tell everyone in America exactly how much debt you're in! You're not going to use the money for charity; you're going to use it to get out of debt!
Lisa: Mature.
Kasey: And why are you saying now that you came on the show for money when you told all the girls you were just here to make amends with Vienna?
Jake: I tried to make amends earlier by giving you a rose. I didn't want to do this on TV but I couldn't reach you.
Vienna: Couldn't reach me?! I'm on email, Twitter, Facebook -- look, if Perez can get ahold of me, so can you. This entire house is uncomfortable with you being here, and it's time for you to go.
Kasey: Everyone here knows you're a bad person.
Jake: Everyone here knows I'm a great guy.
Kasey: If everyone thought that, you wouldn't be going home.
Lisa: Oooh, that is kind of a good point.

Still, the plan moves forward. Kirk, Ella, and anyone else in earshot sees Vienna and Kasey in an ugly light; meanwhile Jake has presented himself as a martyr.

The confrontation is evidently a turn-on for both Vienna and Kasey:

Vienna: Kasey is a MAN! Everything I thought Jake was, Kasey is for real.
Kasey: Look at that! (He flexes his wrist to make his infamous heart-and-shield tattoo look like it has a pulse.) It's Guard and Protect Time. Are you ready?

Oh, geez.

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison clinks his glass, summoning the contestants. He takes the temperature of the house, asking why things are tense. Kasey volunteers that things are awkward because of Jake, to which Jake responds that he's definitely gotten closure with Vienna. Chris then asks Vienna and Kasey why they can't just bury the hatchet and move on. Vienna furrows her brow a bit to try and gather from context clues the meaning of "bury the hatchet" before responding.

Vienna: Just because you've buried the hatchet doesn't mean it's right to have your ex-fiance in the house. It makes everyone awkward for everyone --
CH: Sorry to interrupt, but I have to draw your attention to the goofy faces Holly and Michael are making at each other right now. They were engaged, but they're sitting next to each other.
Holly: We're having fun!
Vienna: Well, you guys (I assume she means C-Hare, Mike Fleiss, and ABC) already forced us to go on TV to talk about our break-up, so I don't think it's fair that you do this to us again.
Lisa: Woah!
CH: Who's forcing you to be here?

Vienna: No one, but I didn't know Jake was gonna be here.
CH: I'm not talking about casting. Who's forcing you to be here right now? You know I can magically make a cab, limo, boat, or helicopter appear out of nowhere. If you're unhappy, you can leave. Now let me get back to business.

C-Hare explains that instead of one guy and one girl being eliminated, two women will be going home. The men AND women will cast votes for elimination.

Jake nearly throws up from relief. Kasey wonders how he can get a horse's head delivered to C-Hare's bed tonight.

As everyone jumps up to refresh their drinks and rework their "strategies," Vienna desperately barks at the rest of the room, "Everyone sit down right now and say, 'We're not doing this, 'cuz this is cheating!!!'" The other players roll their eyes and wander off, as Kasey threatens to drag Vienna out of the house and go home if she doesn't shut up.

Jake's Plan (Part 3)

With a new lease on life in the house, Jake begins to cash in on the sympathy he's earned earlier in the week. He gathers some girls together and tells them he thinks Vienna has been spreading around lies while he's just been trying to make good with her and move on. I love Michelle for cutting to the chase:

"You've done all you can, and I don't think there's any more you can do. I also don't think you have a good chance at winning the final prize, so maybe you should just go home."

Brava, Michelle! If Jake is really here for the money, he only escaped elimination this week by default and will probably be on the chopping block next week. If he's really here to patch things up with Vienna, he's done all can and might as well cut his losses. If he's here to play, he better stop playing the martyr and start playing the game.

Gia is ready to have words with Michelle for speaking out of turn when Kasey pulls her outside for a talk.

Kasey: Honey, honey, honey, honey...I don't know, honey.
Gia: Why are you talking to me like that?
Kasey: Graham came to me and said we should vote you off because you were trying to separate me and Vienna.
Gia: I'm really shocked Graham would do that; I thought he was my friend.
Kasey: Graham is your friend. But he's also my friend, and I'm more important than you. So you better watch your back, sis. People don't try to vote me off. When they do, I destroy them. You've had a good run, but you're going home tonight.

Gia gets angry, gets up, and storms off toward Graham. Kasey, oddly, runs after her and tries to physically stop her from talking to him. Oops...strategy gone a bit awry, Puppet Master?

Gia tearfully confronts Graham, and there's a lot of confusion that I can't understand, but the underlying facts seem to be that Graham and Michael are interested in splitting up Kasey and Vienna (which is good news to me). Gia announces that she's leaving RIGHT NOW, and true to his word, Chris Harrison makes a van appear with a snap of his fingers. Gia explains that she'd rather commit Seppuku than give Kasey the satisfaction of voting her out.

The bad news -- we'll have to listen to her in the finale episode.

There's still one limo in the driveway tonight for the other eliminated lady. Erica leads a charge against Ella on the grounds that she's a force to be reckoned with and would do anything to win because she needs the money. Realizing that she needs to find a partner, Ella appeals to Kirk, who is also playing for the money. He agrees to be her ally, and then tells Graham and Michael about it, and that their next move is to get Jackie voted out (not sure why, except that she is a fierce competitor as well and also has the potential to hold power as a couple with Ames).

Graham and Michael agree to rally the votes against Jackie. I think this is the first true alliance that I've seen rise out of the house -- Graham, Michael, and Kirk. Keep your eyes on them, folks.

Meanwhile, Ames senses Jackie is in danger, and he asks Kasey to keep her here. Kasey promises Ames that Jackie is safe. Five minutes later, Graham and Michael come to Kasey and Vienna and ask for Ella's safety...which Kasey promises.

He thinks he's being a sneaky sniper, but I think Kasey is just teaming up with whoever asks him to, and he's eventually going to get to a point where he forgets who's on whose side.

While Melissa freaks out on Blake for playing her (we don't really need to talk about that anymore, do we?), Ames and Jackie prepare for the worst and spend the rest of the cocktail party being all cute and lovey-dovey. They congratulate themselves on winning the true prize of the game -- each other. Aw.

Roses go to:

Vienna
Michelle
Erica
Ella

Jackie gracefully departs after a giant group hug from the girls. Ames, always a gentleman, escorts her to the waiting limo. They kiss and tell each other they'll miss each other before regretfully tearing themselves apart. As Jackie climbs in the limo, Ames turns back toward the mansion and smiles his "every occasion" grin.

Oh, how sad, I think as he walks back toward the guys. If they were really in love, he'd go with her.

Then he stands there awkwardly for a second.

Waving with two hands, Ames turns back and runs after the limo. "Is there room for one more?" he says, opening the door. Wine is poured, kisses are exchanged, and the happy couple drives away from the Bachelor Mansion.

In the background, all the girls are cooing and crying. Ella exclaims, "Ohhh maahh gaaaah, they are gonna have babies and I'm gonna LOVE it!"

"That is a MAN!" Michelle declares, "Who loves a woman!"

Back in the limo, Ames states, "This is the happiest ride in Bachelor history." And he's right.

The bad news -- apparently it didn't last.

Coming Up:

Vienna continues to play the victim and yell at Kasey for not guarding and protecting her, Erica makes out with Jake, and Melissa -- the self-declaring NON-dramatic of the house -- cries all over everyone for I don't know what.

Stay tuned!
Lisa ;)

bachelor pad 2: the trojan elephant

2011-08-10T19:52:00.018-04:00

After a season of recapping snore-inducing one-on-one dates in various resorts around the world, I always sort of feel like taking a hiatus from blogging and hiding away with a book about astrophysics in an attempt to cleanse and restore my brain cells. So when ABC gave me the ol' one-two punch with a Sunday night Men Tell All and a Monday night finale and THEN followed up with the announcement of a three-hour Bachelor Pad premiere the following week, I was tempted to throw in the towel.

But after seeing the premiere of Bachelor Pad 2, I couldn't wait to get back to recapping! As far as I'm concerned, from now on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are just elaborate casting sessions for the Bachelor Pad. Oh, I'll still watch them and recap them, but I know that it will all just be research for the next season of Bachelor Pad.

Are you guys with me? Are you jazzed, pumped, stoked, or whatever it is you need to be?

Let's do this.

Reason #1 that I prefer BP to the Bacheloer/ette: no one is pretending to be here to find love in exotic countries. No one even gets to use the phrase "here for the right reason." Because there is no wrong reason to be on Bachelor Pad! You're here because you want the cash prize ($250,000), a photo on the cover of US Weekly, or a chance to hook up with someone who's just like you in that he or she got dumped on national TV. Since none of those are 100% noble causes, we as an audience are given express permission by the producers to not take anyone on the show seriously.

Not that we ever do, anyway, but at least this time the ABC folks aren't even trying to convince us that what's happening is real.

Reason #2 that this show is superior to its parent programs? The casting. Let's look at our well-stocked pond of hand-picked has-beens, shall we?

Justin "Rated-R" (Ali's Season)
He's the Canadian entertainment wrestler whose girlfriend back home ratted him out to Ali after discovering he had a second girlfriend down the street from her. Rated-R's most memorable moment may be limping on his cast and crutches up the hill to Ali's house to steal time from another bachelor's one-on-one date, but I remember him best for crutching it through the landscaping at the hotel in Iceland as he evaded Ali's wrath.

Jackie (Brad's Second Season)
I really liked Jackie because she was classy and sweet. Except during the Women Tell All when she accused Michelle Money of being a terrible mother.

Michelle (Brad's Second Season)
You will remember that I referred to her as "Crazy Michelle." Because she did play that role during The Bachelor. But after seeing the Women Tell All, I felt like she'd been grossly misrepresented and did not deserve the backlash she got from Jackie and the rest of the girls. Anyway, none of that matters because a LOT has happened since then that makes me want to root for Michelle: 1) she raised a red flag to Ashley about Bentley, and 2) my friend Bonnie met Michelle and said she was really cool. So there.

Gia (Jake's Season/Bachelor Pad 1)
That's right; not only is Gia a Bachelor reject; she is also coming back for a second helping of Bachelor Pad! Yeeeikes. Last season she was an early key player, leading the "outsiders" (contestants who weren't coupled up) to go against the "insiders" (Tenley & Kiptyn and Friends). But she failed miserably due to her lack of ability to follow through with her own strategy, and she was eliminated after three episodes.

Since Gia is the only BP Sophomore in the house, she gets a special introduction. She holds up a clipboard and demonstrates just how incestuous the Bachelor franchise is:

"Let me update you on my life. Jake dumped me and proposed to Vienna, and I got a boyfriend in the real world. Then I went on Bachelor Pad, fell in love with that sleazy country singer Wes from Jillian's season, and broke up with my real-life boyfriend. Then Wes cheated on me with Vienna."

Vienna (Jake's Season)
The winner of Season Jake admits that although nobody liked her, she got what she came for, "but the prize for The Bachelor sucked!" After a very public break-up and a painfully awkward interview with Chris Harrison during Ali's season, Vienna will neither confirm nor deny that she hooked up with Wes, but she does announce that she is dating Mr. Tattoo himself from Ali's season, Kasey. She still has a biting hatred for Jake and never wants to see him again. Dun dun dun...

Kasey (Ali's Season)
You remember this guy because his inner ear issues prevent him from speaking clearly, his motto is "to guard and protect" the hearts of women, and he got a tattoo of a rose during Ali's season just before she dumped him and left him standing on a glacier in Iceland. Now that he's guarding and protecting Vienna's heart, he vows to engage in fisticuffs with Jake should he be presented the chance. Dun dun dun...

Jake (Former Bachelor)
The actor/dancer/"pilot" is trying to clean up his image since the Break-Up Special that showed what a creepy weirdster he may actually be. Jake insists that he thought Vienna was The One until she sold their break-up story to the tabloids. I missed the part where he explained how or why they broke up, but if my memory serves me, I think it has something to do with her dog and the GPS in their car.

Erica (Prince Lorenzo's Season)
I didn't watch this season, but if I had, I guarantee I would've hated Erica. However, because this is the Bachelor Pad, I freaking adore her. Why? 1) Apparently Erica's trademark accessory is a tiara. 2) She is a trust fund baby and admits to being a spoiled brat on The Bachelor. 3) Her strategy for staying in the house is her sexuality.

Graham (DeAnna's Season)
A favorite of the lady viewers -- and DeAnna -- Graham was finally cut when Dee-Dee sort of realized he wasn't that into her and that she was mostly keeping him around for eye candy. Now a total do-gooder-charity-type, Graham is back to win some money for the children...or something.

Ella (Jake's Season)
I was in love with this lady for her Southern straight-talk and spunky personality. Like Michelle, Ella is a single mom. "Mah son is the lahht of mah lahhf," she drawls. Her background is the stuff of Reba McEntire songs, and she wants a better life (sorry, lahhhf) for her son -- hence the cash prize of $250,000.

Holly (Matt's Season)
I didn't watch this season, but it doesn't matter because the real drama for this girl is all behind-the-scenes -- she was engaged to Michael, a cast-off from Jillian's season, but she called off the wedding due to cold feet.

Michael (Jillian's Season)
It's clear that the wounds are still fresh from his on-again, off-again romance with Holly; the poor guy can't even get through his interview without crying about it.

Blake (Ashley's Season)
You will remember him as the fellow dentist who wagged a finger at Ashley after she came clean about her Bentley obsession. He declares he's "here for the money...and maybe a few hearts along the way."

Melissa (Jake's Season)
She was the cougarish lady with a penchant for starting fights with women at least five years younger than her. She was also eliminated from the show rather early, so I don't have much else to say about her.

Ames (Ashley's Season)
My poor Amesy did not even get a proper introduction; instead, I spotted him in the background mingling in the house with the other contestants and shouted, "Oh! There's Ames! Where did he come from?" Such is his life.

Alli (Brad's Second Season)
I don't remember a lot about her except that she had cute little dimples and sort of a lack of sympathy for Emily's tragic loss of her fiance.

Kirk (Ali's Season)
Awww, remember him? He is super-adorable, says things like "holy cow," loves arts and crafts, and lived through this terrible disease he got in college from living in a condemned house. Many fans may also remember him as the unfortunate fellow whose dad invited Ali to his taxidermy workshop in the basement during their hometown date.

William (Ashley's Season)
He's our favorite aspiring comedian/man-boy who doesn't know when to shut up or dig himself out of a hole. I can't wait to see how this professional self-saboteur will fare in the BP mansion.

Let the Games Begin

Chris Harrison welcomes each contestant back to the mansion as he or she steps out of the limo, but the drama officially begins when Vienna makes her entrance and, within five seconds of saying hello, begins to cry. She then goes inside to start circulating rumors among the other ladies about what a monster Jake is.

Drama Queen Entrance #2 belongs to Gia, who hands C-Hare her clipboard to catch him up, since her back-story is too intricate to waste any more time on. Upon entering the house, she makes a point to snub Vienna, who is still yammering about how terrible Jake is. Gia finally breaks her icy silence toward Vienna by saying, "I'm sure he doesn't want to fight with you anymore, so...just don't be mean." Gia has that fascinating Mean Girl talent of saying something harsh in a really pretty way. I'd forgotten up to this point how much I disliked her.

Drama Queen Entrance #3, without a doubt, goes to Jake, who is the last to arrive and commands the attention of the room when he walks in. It's amazing to me how the other contestants sort of act starstruck in his presence, especially William, who is apparently such a fan that he decided to wear a matching suit and bright blue shirt. After being received as if he might actually own the bachelor mansion, Jake struts out onto the pool deck where Vienna and Kasey are hiding. After a delightfully awkward chat about the Los Angeles "weather," he invites Kasey and Vienna inside.

Aww, Kasey, where was that beat-down you promised us?

Back in the mansion, Jake and Erica bond over their shared home state:

Erica: You're from Texas, right?"
Jake: Yes.
Erica: We're both Texans, yaaaaaaay."

I wish I could truly convey to you Erica's manner of speaking, dear readers. All I can tell you is that she is the perfect mix of Paris Hilton and Very Mary Kate.

Gia and Jake are instantly allied by their common enemy. But Jake, still concerned with repairing his public image, insists that he needs to have closure with Vienna and Kasey. He pulls Kasey aside, assuring him that he wishes no ill will toward the couple and that he thinks Kasey's a good guy and exactly the sort of man Vienna needs.

Ooooh, Kasey...kind of hard to hit a guy when he's shaking your punching hand.

Despite this appearance of peace-making, Kasey promises that he still sees Jake as Public Enemy No. 1:

Kasey: It's really hard for me to see my girlfriend be hurt by this guy. I want him out of the house. My main goal of being here is to guard and protect Vienna, and that means getting Jake off. I'm going to get him off as soon as possible.
My Brother-in-Law Brian: GAY.

Finally, C-Hare enters the room with a gentle reminder to Jake that this is HIS show and HIS house. He announces that the contestants will be competing as couples the following morning, so they need to decide how to pair up by the end of the cocktail party tonight.

Competition Time: Hooking Up

While some of the pairings are predictable -- Vienna and Kasey, Holly and Michael -- others are rather surprising. Though Ames and Jackie make an instant romantic connection, they decide not to partner up so as not to be targeted as a power couple. Instead, Jackie pairs up with Jake and Ames partners with Michelle. Meanwhile, Kirk's decision of a partner is anything but strategic:

"I drank a little too much last night," he says the next morning. "And when you drink too much, you do thinks like pick Erica as a partner."

C.H. calls the contestants out to the front of the house, where a row of beds sit under some kind of harness rigging. C-Hare announces the game is called "Hooking Up," and instructs the men to harness themselves up, the women to cling to the men like little sloths, and the couples to be hoisted up over the beds. Whoever can stay suspended above their bed the longest will win a pair of roses and a one-on-one date.

Why the ladies were required to wear bikinis for this competition, I have no idea.

It's only a matter of minutes before the guys and girls start complaining of muscle cramps and failed blood circulation. C-Hare notes that Jake, eyes closed and head resting on Jackie's shoulder, seems to be unfazed:

CH: Jake is just sleeping through this competition.
Vienna: Hee hee hee!
Holly: Vienna's laughing because Jake sleeps through everything!

William and Gia are the first pair eliminated from the competition. Gia is disappointed for her failure to choose a strong enough partner --

"I'm so tiny but he just couldn't hold onto me."

Are you trying to make me hate you on purpose?

Holly and Michael surrender next, declaring that they'd rather be drinking. They're followed by Graham and Alli, and Melissa and Blake.

After the extra weight of Erica's tiara takes its toll, Kirk is ready to give up too, declaring, "Yeah, you've gotta go," as he drops Erica onto the bed.

Ames and Michelle perform their own little Cirque du Soleil number before finally touching down, and they're followed by Rated-R and Ella.

As the Fates would have it, Jake and Jackie are left battling it out with Vienna and Kasey. Oh, so perfect.

Vienna tries to encourage Kasey by whispering sweet nothings in his ear, but Kasey responds with "Don't talk. You're ruining my strength." Meanwhile, Jake employs visualization tactics and imagines he's holding Jackie over a cliff and that if he lets go, she'll fall 3,000 feet to her death; he imagines he can hear the rescue helicopter approaching and that he just has to hang on a little longer.

Did anyone else think of that line from that Ashton Kutcher movie The Guardian? "Twenty minutes. Just fingertips."

Who am I kidding? I don't think anyone else saw that movie. The only reason I saw it was because it was playing on a plane.

Vienna finally drains all the strength from Kasey, and he has to let go. Jake and Jackie are declared the winners and get cleaned up for a night out on the town. Meanwhile, Vienna drags Kasey away to the hot tub to alternately cry and yell at him for not being there for her.

Kasey later confesses to the camera that the present situation with Jake is putting a strain on his relationship with Vienna: "It's just a triangle of annoyance," he says.

Ohhh, I love it.

Elsewhere, poor Ames is bummed that once again his love interest is being whisked off to a one-on-one date with someone else.

Jackie takes her opportunity alone with Jake to get his side of the story about the Big Break-Up. Jake takes this opportunity to once again clean up his reputation and insist that he doesn't wish Vienna any harm:

"When I saw her last night, even though I was so mad at her, I couldn't help thinking that she looks really great."

Oh, brother.

Part of being the winning couple this week includes presenting one immunity rose to someone else in the house. Any strategy at all would dictate that this rose go to either Ames or Gia, but Jackie suggests that Jake offer it to Vienna as an olive branch.

While Jake and Jackie have dinner above the marquis of El Capitan on Hollywood Boulevard, Vienna and Kasey make their first weak attempts at forming an alliance. They decide to invite...pretty much everyone in the house.

It's like these people haven't even seen Big Brother.

A lot of rather confusing turn-coating follows as Rated-R decides to play both sides of two not-fully-formed alliances, and after putting a target on his own back, he paints one on Alli's by spreading a rumor that she is playing both sides.

When Jake and Jackie return to the house, Jake discusses his plan with Gia. Obviously, Gia is hoping to get that rose, and she is hurt that Jake is once again choosing Vienna over her. She even cries about it, which I don't understand at all. And now it's time for some really fantastic strategy talk.

Gia: Jake, are you really that dumb? You don't put the enemy in a bomb shelter!
Jake: Oh, really? How did the Trojans beat the Greeks?
Gia: They hid in an elephant.

Despite Gia's warnings, Jake uses the rose to win back the favor of Vienna and all of America. Vienna is 100% unmoved:

"I don't trust Jake. The only way you could know what he is really like is to put him in a room alone with a fly. And then you would have to glue a little camera on the mouse. I mean, the fly."

I promise I didn't make that up. That's exactly what she said.

After Jake hands Vienna the rose, he sits down for a peace-making conversation with Vienna and Kasey in which Jake apologizes for yelling at her on their break-up interview in front of Chris Harrison and the world. Vienna accepts the rose, but not the apology, and she and Kasey start making out in front of Jake. What follows is basically a sex tape of Vienna and Kasey in one of the mansion bedrooms, voiced over by Vienna as she describes how much she detests Jake.

It was pretty gross.

Gia, the queen of strategy that she is, realizes that Jake is an unworthy ally. She decides to make a deal with Kasey to insure that she won't go home this week. How is it that Gia is the only person in the house with experience in this game, yet she's still playing like an underdog?

As soon as Kasey and Gia form a secret pact, Vienna sniffs them out and starts hounding Kasey for not including her in whatever he and Gia are talking about.

Rose Ceremony

Before we talk any "strategy," can we just take a moment for Erica's dress?

Thank you.

In the Bachelor Pad, the girls vote out guys, and the guys vote out girls. So the key of the rose ceremony is to campaign among the opposite sex to get someone other than you kicked out. Tonight, Rated-R and Alli have been targeted for reasons I don't really understand. Well, I sort of get why Rated-R may be in danger:

Rated-R: I guess people want me gone because they think I'm playing both sides. Which I'm not. I have no problem playing both sides in the real world, but I'm not doing it here.
Brother-in-Law Brian: GAY.

In a move that makes more sense, Vienna orders Gia's head on a platter, and Blake spearheads the quick and silent assassination of Kasey. This, of course, presents a problem for Kasey and Gia, as they've just secretly sworn alliance to each other.

Roses go to...

Ames
Erica (who says, "Yaaaaaaay," in her Mary-Kate voice, then smiles at the men in the house and slurs, "Thanks, boys." I just love her.)
Blake
Holly
William
Michelle
Kirk
Ella
Michael
Melissa
Graham
Kasey
Gia

Rated-R knows he's finally hit rock-bottom, and he shrugs off any last shreds of dignity by refusing to shake hands with any of the remaining guys, stealing a rose off of someone's lapel, declaring, "I'm not leaving here withoooot a rose!" and climbing into his limo.

Poor Alli, completely blind-sided and confused by what just happened, schlumps into her limo without anyone really noticing.

Kasey, for some reason, proudly takes credit for everything that has happened tonight, stating, "I am a Jedi Genius Master."

Again, I did not make that up. He really said it.

Coming Up...

Love triangles galore! Michael and Holly...and Blake, Vienna and Kasey...and Jake, and Michelle and Graham...and the prize money.

And before wrapping up the greatest three-hour reality show premiere I've ever made myself sit through, the ABC producers treat us to one last little goody -- the return of The Phantom! The Masked Jeff returns to the mansion to visit his favorite haunt -- the bathroom. He opens a copy of US Weekly with Ashley on the cover, sits on the toilet, and shakes his head in disappointment. "Oh, Bentley..."

Fantastic stuff. My brain is going to rot.

See you next week for more garbage!
Lisa ;)

the bachelorette: finally! (i mean, finale!)

2011-08-08T18:56:00.010-04:00

I bet you thought I wasn't going to ever finish this post, huh?

Me neither.

You know what I love about the Bachelorette finale? The Bachelorette's family. Because if there's any point at which you want your parents and siblings to judge you, it's when you've narrowed down your group of 25 make-out buddies to two dudes who are planning to propose to you within the next 48 hours.

Family Times is Serious Times

This season was especially fun, because if there's one group of people who can match the level of bounciness and enthusiasm produced by Perky Dentist (Student) Ashley, it's the cast of High School Musical. And when they're not available, the Heberts of Pennsylvania will do just fine.

We immediately recognize Ashley's bubbly and inked-out older sis, Chrystie. This girl is like a Disney Kat von D. And while last season on the Bachelorette she was also Ashley and Brad's cheerleader (anyone remember "hearts are exploding?"), this year she is taking a page from Chris Harrison's playbook and will not be leaving Fiji with any questions.

Upon meeting her family, Ashley admits that her nerves and emotions have achieved a state similar to a soupy Jell-O Jiggler. While she asks her mom, step-dad, and brother for encouragement, support, and a readily available box of Kleenex, Kat von Disney is pulled aside by the on-location producer:

Producer: Look, we hear you're kind of the tough one in the family, so we'd like you to do as much as you can to make Ashley cry.
Kat von Disney: Got it.
Producer: Just a few suggestions to start some waterworks would be mentioning the name Bentley --
K von Diz: Hey, I got this. I'm her sister; I know how to play this game.

I don't know what motivated K-Diz to act the way she did; maybe she truly felt the need to be protective, or maybe she got a little overzealous about having lights shined in her eyes and cameras pointed at her face. My guess is that it was a little of both. Whatever the reason, as soon as J.P. sat down at the family dinner table, the Diz laid into the couple rapid-fire-whistle-stop style.

KvD: So, J.P., are you smitten?
J.P.: Of course; who wouldn't be?
KvD: That was very diplomatic. Ashley, does J.P. make you laugh?
Ashley: Uhhh...He doesn't make me cry.
KvD: Quit quoting Ocean's 11. You shouldn't even have to think about this one.
Ashley: I make myself laugh!
KvD: Nope.

Mamma Hebert smells a storm a-brewin' and pulls Kat von Disney and Ashley inside to continue their conversation. K-Diz insists that she's not seeing any exploding hearts around J.P., and Ashley immediately bursts into tears.

"Look," K-Diz snaps at her sister, "Between the two of us, I'm the rational one. Each of these tattoos is the product of meticulous deliberation. I know I've only known J.P. for 90 seconds, but you need to trust me on this."

While Ashley runs off to each of the other members of her family to cry about how mean her older sister is being, Kat von Disney pulls J.P. aside:

KvD: I have to be honest with you, J.P. I'm just not seeing it.
J.P.: Seeing what?
KvD: Exploding hearts. They're the only sure sign that you and Ashley are a good fit.
J.P.: Bischhh, you don't know me.
KvD: Doesn't matter. You don't make her laugh. What can you possible have to offer if not laughter?
J.P.: Uh...love, protection, rippling pectorals --
KvD: Wrong answer. You know, even boring-as-hell Brad could make her laugh. I prefer him to you. My mind's made up on this one. Sorry. But thanks for playing.

A stunned J.P. says goodbye to Ashley, who apologizes for her sister's being such a Cranky Sue. J.P. is understandably worried that Ashley will defer to her sister's judgement and send him packing. Ashley responds with the dumbest thing possible:

"I don't want you to worry about this."

"Of course I'm going to worry, Captain Obvious," J.P. replies.

Ashley decides that it's time for Round Two with the Bachelorette's biggest party pooper.

Ashley: Hey, Judgy McJudgeface! What was that all about? What do I have to do to convince you to give J.P. a chance?
Kat von Disney: I don't want to be convinced. Don't forget, I'm the rational one, and I didn't see you making funny faces, or jumping up and down, or exhibiting obnoxious behavior of ANY kind!
Ashley: What do you want from me?!?!
Kat von Disney: HEARTS EXPLODING!!!
Ashley: I just want you to be my sister and be supportive of me! You're acting like such a bitch!

Raise your hand if you love reality TV!

When Ben arrives on the family compound, Ashley warns him that her sister is being a mental case and that he'd better be ready to answer some tough questions.

Ben is not fazed when, around the Last Supper-style dinner table, K-Diz starts throwing questions his way. He displays a killer combination of goofiness, confidence, and charm. But K-Diz is not yet appeased. Raising one eyebrow, she asks Ben if he has yet to experience Ashley's puppy voice.

Oh, please! Ben shrugs this off; been there, done that. He and Ashley then put on a show by demonstrating their puppy voices in front of the whole family...and the rest of America:

Ben: Scotchie-scotchie-scotcccch!
Ashley: Boody-biddy-booooo!
Ben: Squishy-squashy-skitch-scotch!!!
Ashley: Beep-beep! Blap-blap!
Ben: Skeedily-deedily-dooop-splat!!!!!
Ashley: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

K-Diz is satisfied by this performance, and she invites Ben to have some one-on-one time with her.

KvD: So, Benny-boo-boo...boo-boo-boo --
Ben: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
KvD: Correct! Look, I saw my sister being a little weirdo with you, and that makes me happy. What is it about her that makes her The One?
Ben: Well, we were BFFs first. And now we're more than that.
KvD: Do you think she's in love with you?
Ben: Definitely. We bring each other joy --
KvD: Check.
Ben: -- and laughter.
KvD: Check.
Ben: And we're both at the right age and right time --
KvD: Check, check.
Ben: -- to be starting a relationship together. Nothing about this has been forced. Except for the suntan lotion rub-down.
KvD: PerFACT.

Final One-on-One Date: Ben

The next day, Ashley meets Ben on the beach for their last one-on-one date. While Ashley is already sending subconscious messages with her uncharacteristically dull grey and black outfit, Ben is as confident as his neon Ocean Pacific beach clothes from 1994. Seriously, I think I wore an outfit just like that when I visited Florida for the first time on spring break when I was nine. Only I also had a hot pink hat with the flipped-up bill.

It was awesome.

Man, I wish I had a picture of that for you guys.

Ashley and Ben take a helicopter ride around the island, while Ashley randomly shouts out non-specific modifiers:

"Beautiful. Awesome. Amazing. Fun. Uh...Waterfall."

This girl is ready to get off the crazy train, is she not?

But not before she invites Ben into a healing mud bath, during which they, as Ben put it, "lube each other up with mud." Ashley inappropriately wishes she could reach lower on Ben's person.

"You cheeky monkey!" squeaks Ben.

Later that night, Ben tells Ashley that he's in love with her and that he couldn't get all the mud off in the shower, so they have a fully-clothed make-out session on the bed.

Final One-on-One Date: J.P.

Still rattled by his less-than-successful family date, J.P. sits Ashley down for a chat before they...do...whatever they did on their date. I kind of stopped paying attention after the following conversation:

J.P.: Your sister screwed me up.
Ashley: Ummmmm...but...didn't it make you think?
J.P.: It made me think I hate your sister. Maybe you won't choose me now because of what she thinks.
Ashley: My sister's opinion really matters to me, but it's my decision. Not hers. I mean, do you know how many tattoos I tried to talk her out of?

J.P. confides to Ashley that he step-dad gave him a great piece of advice -- don't leave anything behind. J.P. then declares he is madly in love with Ashley.

While the couple starts their scheduled make-out session, I have the same thought I have every season: it has got to be super-weird to have two guys profess their love to you within 24 hours of each other.

J.P. ends his one-on-one date by presenting Ashley with a photo album one of the P.A.s picked up in the resort's gift shop. Inside the album is a sweet little note about how they can fill up the rest of the album should Ashley choose to be with him. I think there was also something about how if Ashley chooses Ben, J.P. will return to New York alone to cry over the sink with his farmer's market onions again.

Final Rose Ceremony

Dear readers, we have made it at last! Welcome to the last day of this amazing journey! In case you're new to this, here are a few suggestions of activities typical to a Final Rose Ceremony Day:

If you're the Bachelorette, may I recommend:

Waking up and stretching Disney Princess-style in your mosquito net canopy bed.
Lounging on your private patio in your silk dressing gown and sip from a mug of tea, even though you probably would never drink warm tea outdoors in the tropics.
Writing in your journal.
Wandering along the beach.
Leaning pensively against a palm tree and staring into space.
Putting on a practice wedding dress and having ABC production assistants schlep you and your sequins out to a spot that is only reachable by boat or aircraft, and trusting that they're not actually trying to maroon you.

If you're a bachelor, you may enjoy:

Taking a long, steamy shower and scrubbing your many muscles.
Meeting with Neil Lane to look at diamond rings.
Drinking coffee on your balcony and looking wistfully into the distance.
Shaving while flexing your arms as much as possible.
Put on a smashing suit and tie and hop into a helicopter.

If you're not new to this game, you'll already know that whoever steps out of his aircraft first is the Doomed One. And even though I have a pretty good idea of who it will be this time, I still get a pit in my stomach as I wait for his face to be revealed.

Out hops Ben, whistling, "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music as he shakes hands with C-Hare. As he waxes poetically about how excited he is to start a life with Ashley, I shout "NOOOOOOO!" as if this didn't happen months ago and there's something I can do to stop it now. Upon reaching his destination, Ben ignores Ashley's sorry-looking little face and shushes her before she can let him down gently. I cringe and try to hide between the couch cushions as he refuses to shut his mouth. Then I see the worst thing happen -- he kneels down in front of her.

"SOMEONE STOP HIM!!!" I shout at the TV screen. It doesn't seem to help, because Ashley stands in complete silence for a minute before pulling Ben back up from his knee.

Once he stands up, Ben is almost a different guy. I'm not going to say I disagree with any of his actions or words; he was hurt, and he had every right to feel that way. It was just so much harder to watch because we've never seen Ben upset before. I literally gasped out loud when he said, "J.P.'s a wonderful guy. I'm sure you'll have a nice life together."

After saying the Worst Thing You Can Say After Breaking Up But We All Do It Anyway, Ashley finally lets Ben escape with a scrap of dignity. After weeping into the camera lens, Ashley gets her make-up retouched in anticipation of the second helicopter, which passes over Ben's head as he is taken back to Rejection Island (I assume that's where he was headed) via motor boat.

The mood finally changes as Ashley waves at J.P.'s helicopter from her little tiki platform. J.P. walks out to meet her and says a bunch of stuff, but I'm too distracted by the insane orchestral background music, the disturbing images of what just happened, and the happy thought that soon this will all be over, that I lose all focus and completely miss what J.P. is saying.

My little sis told me later that I didn't miss much.

J.P. proposes to Ashley with the help of some product placement from Neil Lane, and guess what? She. Says. Yes.

As a montage of Ashley and J.P. begins to play, the couple realizes that they can't fight this feeling anymore, and they make a run for the ocean.

Let's wrap this up, shall we?

After the Final Rose

Our host Chris Harrison welcomes us, reminding us that it's his show now. Thank goodness.

Ben is sat in the hot seat, where C-Hare forces him and his audience to relive his painful proposal and rejection. Which we in the audience just watched ten minutes ago. It's just as painful this time around, too. Maybe Ben has had a few weeks to recover, but guess what, C-Hare. I HAVEN'T.

Chris congratulates Ben on achieving one of the top three most genuine reactions in the history of Bachelor/ette rejections. Ben explains that he had a long flight back home...to his best friend's wedding.

Well the humiliations never cease?!

Not any time soon, apparently. Ashley is brought out to face Ben, who sneers, "nice ring. Kidding."

Ashley skirts around the "when did you know you were going to dump me" question and admits she's sorry to lose a great friendship with Ben. Ben unconvincingly insists he is not angry anymore and that he's moved on. C-Hare follows up with the question all future The Bachelors are asked:

"Are you ready to get out there and find love again?"

To which Ben responds, "Uhhhh, yeah, I guess. Whatever."

Ladies and gentlemen, your Bachelor 2012, probably.

At long last, J.P. and Ashley are reunited in front of the studio audience. As the two of them talk about settling down and trying to have a normal life, C-Hare smiles noncommittally. He cues the proposal footage, which I again cannot focus long enough to make heads or tails of. Then things finally get interesting again when C-Hare invites K-Diz to the stage.

The older sis has changed her tune; she declares herself an avid supporter of "Team Cupcake" and says she feels like a jerk for being overly judgmental. When Harrison asks if there will be any awkward family holidays, K-Dizzle is quick to put that worry to bed:

KvD: We're gonna have AWESOME Thanksgivings! And Christmases!
J.P.: Well...
Ashley: Hanukkah.

Definitely not awkward at all.

C-Hare ships Ashley and J.P. off to Fiji for a romantic pre-honeymoon, and we switch tracks on the crazy train to head for the Bachelor Pad!

Which I will be recapping. Meet you back here after! Let's hope Vienna and Jake are still alive by then...

Lisa ;)

the bachelorette: men tell all...except for bentley

2011-08-02T01:03:00.007-04:00

Greetings, my fellow Bachelorette fans! This crazy train is so close to pulling into the station that I can hardly stand it! And I want to thank you for committing yourself to this ridiculous ride along with me...and our fearless and faithful host, C-Hare.

I promised you complete coverage of our two-night Bach-a-palooza, and since the finale episode is currently sitting on my DVR, just waiting to be seen along with a dozen texts and tweets I have yet to view and respond to, I decided to quick-cap the Men Tell All episode in video form. Enjoy!

Lisa ;)

the bachelorette week 9: fiji schmiji

2011-07-27T12:13:00.014-04:00

You know your Bachelorette is doing a pretty decent job of deducting her dudes when she gets to her Final Three "exotic date" episode and it's boring as hell.

Perky Dentist Ashley has narrowed down the field to Ben, Constantine, and J.P. And while all of them look decent on a beach, I was tempted to stop watching my finger nails dry and just start sniffing the polish due to boredom. Luckily for my sanity and brain cells, my brother-in-law Brian (a novice Bachelorette viewer) was being forced to watch as well, and his comments kept me entertained.

Ashley spends the entire first block of the show recapping her amazing journeys with her three remaining bachelors. Good lord...as if watching it all the first time isn't punishment enough for committing my time to a sleazy reality show. Is there ANY way we can zest this up?

Enter Ryan Sunshine, who's back for more humiliation after being dumped on a no-rose one-on-one date two weeks ago. This poor guy is so optimistic that he literally cannot take no for an answer.

(I spy a camera man in the background!)

After surprising Ashley in her bungalow, he explains to her that he's disappointed with her (a.k.a the ABC producers) for choosing him for a single one-on-one date, which happened to be the least romantic date possible, full of sacred temples and tai-chi and spiritual games of chance...and he doesn't think he was truly given an opportunity to show Ashley what a great couple they'd make. Ryan tells Ashley that he called Chris Harrison (because he totes has C-Hare on speed dial) and demanded that our host disclose Ashley's location so he could fly to her side and ask for one more shot.

"I'll be staying just a few bungalows down for a couple days, awaiting your decision," he says as he leaves Ashley with a bungalow number and a hug.

Ballsy move, sir. Remember that Ryan is now at a severe disadvantage as he's missed the hometown dates. But if my memory serves me, this is also the point at which Ed came back to Jillian, and that ended up working for him...although the tiny green shorts did not.

I think those tiny green shorts are burned into my brain forever.

And now you can share that pain.

Date #1: Ben

Ashley and Ben have called ahead to coordinate their orange and white outfits for their day on a yacht (or, as Ben calls it, "a nice boat"). They discuss their hometown date before switching their focus to the bottle of Banana Boat SPF conspicuously placed next to the on-deck love nest the production assistants have built out of brightly-hued pillows and blankets.

Ashley picks up the sunblock bottle, pops the cap, and starts lathering her arms:

Ashley: Hmmm, I wonder how I'm gonna get this on my back?
Ben: Uhhhmmmmm...
Ashley: (Eyeroll) You wanna put sun tan lotion on my back, Ben?
Ben: Why?
Ashley: Because I can't reach.
Ben: Ok.
Ashley: You can put it on the rest of me, too, even though I can reach those parts.
Ben: Ok, just the back, then...er...wait...what's the right answer? I'm confused. I was too busy getting teary-eyed while talking about my feelings to pay attention to what's going on.
Brother-in-Law Brian: GAY.

Ashley realizes she's going to have to show Ben how to properly protect someone from UV damage on a reality show. She orders him onto his back on the on-deck love nest, straddles him, and starts covering him in SPF 50. I think Ben finally gets what's going on here, because when it's his turn, he pretty much second-bases Ashley on camera...or maybe he was just trying to prevent two kinds of cancers at once; I don't know. At the end of the sunblock rub-downs, Ben says, "Thanks for all the hard work."

A few miles away, Ryan spots the yacht on the horizon and builds a fire, then smoke-signals "Ryan + Ashley" into the blue Fiji sky.

The couple jumps into the ocean for some snorkeling; they hold their life jackets in the crooks of their elbows because the producers would prefer to get as much skin as possible on camera -- sex appeal always trumps safety here on The Bachelorette!

For dinner that evening, Ben has apparently forgotten to bring a change of clothes. And without C-Hare there to lend out crisp button-downs, he must borrow a slouchy, see-through sweater from Ashley's on-call stylist. My favorite part of this ensemble is that you can see his mic pack strapped around his stomach through the shirt.

Per-fact.

Ashley and Ben talk about how comfortable they are together and how much they like cuddling together. Ben gets in a few more teary-eyed confessions of love to the camera as he tries to convince himself that he's going to "drop the L-Bomb" tonight.

Ashley flings that door wide open for Ben, asking him what would have to happen for them to move forward. Ben skirts around his L-Bomb, using words like "committed," "available," and phrases like, "the whole 'I love you' thing."

Soooo close. Soooo far away.

But good enough for Ashley; she presents him with the "should you choose to forgo your individual rooms" date card from C-Hare, and Ben accepts. I can only assume that they spent the night trading outfits and braiding each other's hair.

Date #2: Constantine

Ashley greets Constantine with the best impression of a Kardashian that I have heard outside of SNL, then announces that they'll be flying in a...

HELICOPTER!!!

Constantine proceeds to freak out, and so do I because I realize that this is the first time I can remember seeing a helicopter on the show this season. Well done, ABC, for branching out in the transportation department to include hot pink tour buses, Thai taxis, horse-drawn carriages, and the Hogwarts Express before repeating helicopters!

On a nearby beach, Ryan shades his eyes as he watches the helicopter fly above him and spells "Ry Heart Ash" in the sand in hopes Ashley will see.

The helo drops Constantine and Ashley off at a magical-looking waterfall, which they climb up behind and jump off of Pocahontas style.

After dragging themselves to shore, Ashley starts picking Constantine's waterlogged brain about his tendency toward slow, deliberate decision-making. Though Constantine admits to looking at over 100 houses before buying one, he insists that it's different with women.

Ashley's not so sure.

At dinner, Constantine makes a comment about the wine, and Ashley (like all of us) gets a little confused about who is who and starts into her Wine Conversation before realizing that she's sitting across from the OTHER one of the Long-Haireds. Constantine doesn't help his cause; he actually brings up Ben by name and talks about how un-weird it is that he and his BFF are dating the same girl.

I am not liking where this is all going.

Ashley doesn't either -- like a good Bachelorette, she puts the focus back on herself and complains that Constantine doesn't give her any signals of affection like holding her hand or rubbing sun tan lotion on her back or crying about how much he loves her.

At this point, my brother-in-law Brian wonders aloud if anyone would find Ashley should she suddenly "disappear" in the jungles of Fiji.

All it takes is for the Needy, Low-Self-Esteem Ash-Monster to rear her ugly head for Constantine to know that all the time in the world won't get him where he needs to go with this relationship. He peaces out before Ashley even has the chance to wave Harrison's Choose to Forgo card and skeleton key under his nose.

I have to say that despite my utter boredom with Constantine this season, every word and action of his has led me to believe that he is a truly decent guy; he makes the point that going to the fantasy suite "and all that it implies" would be disrespectful if he didn't really love her.

Take a note, ladies and gentlemen!

Ryan Sunshine, Part 2

Like a faithful golden retriever, Ryan has been sitting by the door of his bungalow for the past two days awaiting Ashley's visit. Now that Ashley is comparing Ryan to Constantine, who wasn't willing to stick around for 48 more hours to give their relationship "more time," a part of me saw Ashley marching over to Ryan's hut and saying, "Look, there's an open spot at the rose ceremony at the end of the week; you wanna come?"

But I was actually proud of her for sticking with her original decision to let him go. The hardest part of this was watching the ever-buoyant Ryan get dumped a second time; he's clearly got a heart of gold and I have no doubt that he is outstanding husband material. But that doesn't necessarily make him a good match for Ashley (are you listening, all you Nice Guys who complain that you always finish last and that girls take you for granted? Just because you're a Nice Guy doesn't automatically make you the Right Guy for every girl in the world. Got that?).

As Ryan is flown off the island the next morning, he sees a sea plane being prepped for Ashley's third date.

Date #3: J.P.

Thank goodness for a grey crew neck t-shirt and a clean buzz cut. Ashley senses a man's presence and gets all smoochy and clingy before whisking J.P. away in a sea plane. I instantly had the urge to sing the theme song from TailSpin, but could not for the life of me remember how it went.

For the rest of you who have forgotten, this is how it goes:

What was that show about, exactly? 1940s tropical gangsters?

J.P. and Ashley land on a private island. I always love when the people on these dates gush about having an island all to themselves, with no one else around, because we all know that "no one else around" doesn't account for the two cameras, the sound guy, the on-site producer, and the set dressers/caterers/PAs who are scurrying around somewhere setting up the romantic dinner spot that the marooned couple will share later in the evening.

Like Ben, J.P. is understandably having hesitations about confessing his true feelings for Ashley. He explains to her that knowing there are still two other guys in the picture makes it tough to show his cards at this point.

Ashley: Well, actually I did say goodbye to two guys this week.
J.P.: What?! Long-Haired 1 and Long-Haired 2 are both gone? I win?!!
Ashley: No...well, Long-Haired 2 is gone. But someone came back.
J.P.: If you say Bentley, I will strangle you here and now and leave you for Shere Kahn to devour as a midnight snack.
Ashley: No, silly! And don't say his name anymore...if you say it three times, he will come back. It was Ryan. But I told him I wasn't into recycling plastic bottles and he left again.
J.P.: Oh, ok.
Ashley: Here's another surprise -- you want to choose to forgo your individual room and spend the night in the fantasy suite with me?
J.P.: Uh...YEAH!

Once in the fantasy suite, Ashley is kind enough to all her fans to bring back her famous Risky Business ensemble (minus the tube socks) from her introductory package on The Bachelor. She hops on the bed with J.P., and the lights go out as they presumably take part in some risky business of their own.

And by that, of course I mean opening an online trading portfolio and investing in microcap stocks.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley sits down with Mr. Harrison for an obligatory pre-rose ceremony interview. Chris briefly recaps Constantine's ahead-of-schedule departure, regurgitates his old speech about the importance of holding a rose ceremony for the principle it represents even though everyone will get a rose, pats Ashley on the head, grabs his gimlet from the nearby table, and heads back to his bungalow before the humidity can get the best of his hair product.

Roses go to the only two guys left -- Ben and J.P.

Coming Up...

Hang on to your hats, folks! SUNDAY NIGHT is the best night of the Bachelorette season -- Men Tell All! And Monday night, Ashley finally wraps this sucker up...but not before calling her sister a bitch on national television.

I've got my work cut out for me next week!

Lisa ;)

the bachelorette week 8 -- with a special guest!

2011-07-23T08:55:00.006-04:00

Since you all loved my friend Bonnie's recap a few weeks ago, I thought it would be fun to introduce you to another hilarious lady and fellow Bachelorette viewer, Sara. Sara has achieved a black belt in blogging (check her out at Sara Spelled Without an H), and people seem to like her because she is polite and she is rarely late. She likes to eat pie and really enjoys a nice pair of slacks.

Ladies and gentlemen...here's Sara!

What's up, fools? Lisa has asked me to fill in for her this week. This request humbled and terrified me as those are some pretty stylin' shoes which I must work to fill. So, if you'll allow me, let's jump right in.

Ashley is straight jacked to be back in the good ol' U.S. of A. She demonstrates her appreciation of her homeland by doing regular American dentist type things, like sorting her mail, drinking coffee and recapping her tales of whirlwind romance with her four boyfriends.

Story of my life.

A) Ben the Winemaker

Ashley: I love his hair, I love his build, I love everything about him! He's just a man!

I feel like she said this a lot, and every single time it makes me think of Austin Powers.

B) Constantine

Ashley: He's exactly what I look for physically in a man. I mean, he looks like Ben F., only moreso!

It took me more than half of the amazing journey to figure out that Ben the Winemaker and Constantine were not, in fact, the same person.

C) Ames

Ashley: He's just so unique!

If this were a man speaking of a woman, I feel like it would be the equivalent of "She makes her own clothes!"

D) JP

Ashley: With JP, everything is there. I just need to be sure that he doesn't like crunchy peanut butter, because I like creamy and that is a deal-breaker!

Hometown #1: Constantine

First, we travel to Cumming, GA and Ashley states once again how Constantine is her idea of the perfect physical specimen. Sidenote: Did anyone else know that he's 30? Something about this guy always looks like a little kid to me.

"I wanna be big."

After their initial meeting, Constantine takes Ashley to his restaurant, Giorgio's. Did anyone else see that coming? He explains it by discussing how it's a business, people like Italian food, it has Greek influences, blah, blah, blah. I think I had a very strong My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding vibe already going, so when I saw an Italian restaurant, I got really annoyed that Constantine wasn't willing to fit into my preconceived notions of what Greek restaurateurs look like.

I digress.

Ashley gets to see Constantine in his element at the restaurant. They pop into the kitchen and Constantine teaches Ashley how to make a pizza. After some sauce and cheese, he tells her to put on some of her favorite ingredients. Ashley, ever the trickster, grabs Constantine and attempts to use him as a topping on her her pizza. Constantine, bless his heart, laughs and says, "That was cute." Because Ashley lives in a magical world of helicopters and cocktail parties, she has yet to learn about the pity laugh and how to recognize it when it is thrown in her general direction.

Later,we meet the fam: Dimtri, Eleni, Maria and two accessory dogs. Constantine's family engaged Ashley immediately. There was laughing, crying, excited exclamations, and even a spontaneous group hug.

I'm pretty sure this is what their average Tuesday night looks like.

Half-way through dinner, Constantine's mom pulls Ashley aside for the legendary Mother-Bachelorette Shakedown. And even though she is so warm and welcoming with Ashley, Eleni brings a shred of common sense to the moment.

"Everything's wonderful when you're jetted away to these awesome places and you're on beautiful beaches and life is wonderful, but in the real world it's different."

Word, Eleni. Word.

Eleni's biggest concern is that Ashley is going to take Constantine away from the family by making him move all the way to Philly. Ashley puts her fears to rest when she assures Eleni that she can be happy in a lot of different places and would totally pack up and move for Constantine.

And that was it. The Bachelorette Inquisition was one question. I was expecting Eleni to toss Ashley some curveballs, but apparently the producers made sure Ashley had signed up for Coach-Pitch.

Meanwhile, Constantine and Dimitri are having their own heart to heart. Dimitri lets his son know how much he likes Ashley and how great she is, and then he also sprinkles a little bit of reality in the mix for us by reminding us that there's no need to rush and that getting to know someone takes time.

I'll bet ABC hates this.

And then Dimitri says something that is wicked smart. A marriage is not supposed to be perfect, but the beginning of a relationship is. Yeah, that's actually true. The first few months in a relationship, the other person can do no wrong. All their faults are cute and their shortcomings are minimized or completely disregarded. After that initial honeymoon phase, however, it starts to sink in. Suddenly, you can't stand the way the other person whistles first thing in the morning when he pees, or how they can't seem to learn how to completely close the refrigerator door. That's when you have to look at all those faults and personality quirks and decide if they're things you can love and accept or if you'll try to smother your partner in their sleep 4 years down the road.

And then, all of a sudden, my dreams were realized.

Eleni invited "the family." All of a sudden, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, 2nd cousins, 7th cousins twice removed all piled in the house. And they came bearing food. And I swear, there was a little girl whose name was Athena.

All in all, it was per-FACT.

Hometown #2: Ames

Next, we travel back to Pennsylvania to meet Ames and his family. Ames looks more dressed down than I've ever seen him in a flannel shirt and jeans, not to mention some wonky boxers that kept creeping out the back door.

His family is an interesting contrast to Constantine's. They're well dressed, quiet and a little reserved. Let's be honest. They're WASPS. Or, as Gus would have said, "They're like toast! No honey, no jam, just toast. Dry toast!"

Ames' sister, Serena, swiftly scoops up Ashley to figure out if she has the same spark she sees in Ames. I felt like Ashley was side-stepping a lot with her answers.

Serena: So, how do you feel about my brother?

Ashley: He's so unique!

Serena: Well, he's smitten with you. How do you feel about him?

Ashley: Our relationship is moving slowly.

Serena: No, seriously. How do you feel about him?

Ashley: This coffee table is beautiful. Teak? Red oak?

Serena senses that Ames is still on the fence and she encourages him to open up and be the romantic she knows him to be. Ames, who may or may not have been a little drunk at this point, eats up the feedback and quickly throws together what he believes to be a wildly romantic excursion.

Ames puts together a picnic and takes Ashley to his favorite magnolia tree, which he believes to LITERALLY be the most romantic setting in the entire world. Afterward, they hop on a horse-drawn carriage and Ashley starts planning how she will describe her fairy-tale romance to her future, unique children.

Hometown #3: Ben the Winemaker

Next, we travel to Sonoma to meet Ben F. at his super awesome vineyard.

I have to be honest here. While I like Ben and I think the fact that he is a winemaker is one of the sexiest things in the world, this entire date bored me to tears from start to finish. I don't know what it is but when you put those two together, suddenly I am fascinated by the one warped floorboard in my bedroom, and I can't help but wonder how Chiclets are made.

I think I'll have to sum it up in bullet points and maybe let Lisa fill in some details because I just couldn't stay awake all three times I tried to watch this date:

Ben reveals he has only brought one girl home to meet his family
He also shares with Ashley that his family's approval is everything
Ashley continues to be one of the most excitable people I've ever seen
There's a weird Donnie and Marie vibe going on between Ben and his sister
Ben and his mom have a heart to heart about Ben's late father
Ashley looks at old photos of Ben with his mother

Some other stuff might've happened, but I sincerely doubt it.

Lisa: Nope! That is everything that happened.

Either way, at the end, Ashley still likes Ben and Ben still likes Ashley. I think.

Hometown #4: JP

Finally, we travel to Long Island where we meet up with JP. The way these two greet each other, it's clear they're going to make it to the Fantasy Suite. Ah-thank you.

Because the weather looks suspect, JP decides to take Ashley to an old-school, indoor activity of roller skating. He even works it out so they get the disco ball going and some REO Speedwagon in the background to really set the mood. Also, the editing for this date gets two thumbs way up.

After showing off their mad skills for each other, Ashley and JP sit down to have some lunch and a chat.

Ashley: How certain are you about us?

JP: 1200%

Ashley: For serious?

JP: I've only brought four girls home in my life.

Ashley: Wow. I mean, that's less than Ben F. but you're like, old. So, I guess that's not a lot.

JP goes on to explain how his last relationship broke his heart because there was always "cause for doubt" because of things this girl did. The therapist in me sees that as a giant, flashing red light and if I were Ashley, I would want to know what these things were that JP thought were cause for alarm. Was this girl coming home late from work every night with what appeared to be a flimsy excuse, or was she doing JP's best friend on their bed right in front of him? Or perhaps she was eating a lot of carrot sticks and JP decided that meant she was on a diet because she wanted to lose weight and look good in the new lingerie she bought for her torrid affair with the FedEx guy. These are the kind of things you want to know before ENTERING INTO A MARRIAGE.

On that note, time to meet the folks!

JP comes from a family a little more like Constantine's in that there was a lot of crying and hugging when he and Ashley walked in the door. Mom made lasagna for dinner and Ashley proclaims, "The more carbs, the better!"

It's easy to see from their interactions that Ashley is by far the most comfortable with JP. They recount tales of travel and romance for JP's family, sharing how they're relationship became serious in Phuket.

Mama JP pulls her son out to the front yard for a wee discussion. She shares her concerns about the possibility of JP getting hurt again, to which JP responds that if he doesn't put himself out there, he may not get hurt but he also may not find love. Twue wuv.

Then, Mama JP pulls out the big guns. I liked this lady. She stuffed her son full of lasagna and then grilled him good. That's how it's done.

Mama JP: Are you in love with her?

JP: Signs point to yes.

Mama JP: I don't want to see you get your heart broken again.

JP: My sources say no.

Mama JP: So, you're pretty confident.

JP: It is decidedly so.

Mama JP: Are you going to propose at the end of this?

JP: Reply hazy - ask again later.

Still not convinced by her son's Magic 8-Ball answers, Mama JP enlists Ashley to fill in the blanks.

Mama JP: How are you going to choose one of these four guys?

Ashley: Wait, four? No, that's can't be right....

Mama JP: Have I put you on the spot?

Ashley: I use my gut a lot, but I've learned that my gut sucks. Sometimes I actually have to use my head!

Mama JP:

Ashley: I'm totally smitten with your son! (My friend Jesse pointed out how Ashley totally stole Serena's word for Ames. I know she doesn't have a copyright on that word, but I wonder if Ashley thinks she came up with that all by herself.)

Mama JP: Oh, thank God. You're sweet.

Ashley: You're sweet!

Mama JP: YOU are!

Ashley: No, you!

By the end of the evening, Mama JP seemed satisfied, JP had regained his confidence and Ashley was pissed she had to go back to LA and pretend to consider the other three as potential husbands. Sadly, as Ashley reminded us earlier in the episode, "All good evenings must come to an end." Yeah, that's not a thing people say.

Rose Ceremony

Lisa: I just have to point out that at this point in the show's taping process, the Bachelor Mansion had probably just been sterilized up to the rafters, the bunk beds re-assembled, the Shower-Cam re-installed, and the pool cleaned with an extra scoop of chlorine tablets, all in preparation for the taping of The Bachelor Pad. I just have to wonder if Ashley caught the smell of bleach wafting from the front door as she returned to the infamous estate.

Back in LA and Ashley is practically lizzing herself to get back to C-Hare and discuss the new developments in each relationship.

C-Hare: You remember the last time you sat here?

Ashley: Sort of.

C-Hare: You cancelled the cocktail party because you were being a big baby because of Bentley.

Ashley: Oh, right! Well, it was totally worth it because it brought me here. Also, I'm no longer allowed to say his name because I've received so many death threats.

C-Hare: Yeah, sorry about that.

Roses go to...

Ben the Winemaker

Constantine

Bless his heart, you could tell Ames didn't even see it coming. Ever the gentleman, he tells Ashley how lucky he has been to have her in his life. He gets in the limo and, for the first time, that smile that's always plastered on his face melts away.

I'll be honest, I didn't much care for Ames at the beginning. I thought he was a giant goober and I did not understand why she kept him around. In the last three episodes or so, I really warmed up to him because he is just so damn unassuming and doesn't appear to have an ounce of cynicism in his body. As a true cynic myself, that's a quality I really gravitate toward in other people.

Coming up...

Ashley and her three remaining suitors toast to their upcoming trip to Fiji.

There appears to be some looming drama with JP on the horizon, Ashley gets into it with her sister and a surprise visit from a mystery guest. Oh, and don't forget Fantasy Suites!

Thank you for indulging me. Keep it classy and don't forget to tune in next week for your regularly scheduled programming from your pop culture princess, Lisa.

Sara

the bachelorette week 7: kees kees!!!

2011-07-13T09:23:00.025-04:00

Only six bachelors are left to vie for Ashley's affections this week. Let's take a quick look at the roster:

Ryan (a.k.a. Mr. Sunshine, Chris from P&R, Captain America)
Ashley feels safe with him and loves his energy.
Bachelorette Translator -- The Boring Nice Guy.

Lucas (a.k.a. Street Fighter, Texas, Divorced Guy Whose Name I Keep Forgetting)
Ashley thinks Lucas is a real, genuine, great guy.
Bachelorette Translator -- The Boring Divorced Guy.

Ames (a.k.a. Wall Street Ames, Amesy, Nate Archibald's mild-mannered older brother)
Ashley thinks he's unique, sweet, and intelligent.
Bachelorette Translator -- The Dorky Guy.

Ben (a.k.a. Artsy Ben, Wine-Maker)
Ashley loves Ben and thinks he's funny and has so much going for him.
Bachelorette Translator -- The Fun and Charming Front-Runner.

Constantine (a.k.a....Constantine)
Ashley finds him easy to talk to and look at.
Bachelorette Translator -- The Dark Horse.

J.P. (no nicknames needed)
Ashley likes him because he makes her feel secure and comfortable.
Bachelorette Translator -- The Comforter and Protector Front-Runner.

I have to say, I think Ashley has actually narrowed this down to the most normal guys possible.

The ABC cartoon plane takes off for Taiwan, where Ashley is hoping for clarity and Ryan is hoping for his first one-on-one date.

Meanwhile, J.P. is now fully aware that he's ahead of the pack at this point, which means jealously is starting to seep in through his cute little shaved head. And we all know that jealousy is not a good color on anyone, not even J.P.

Chris Harrison greets the fellas and lets them know that there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates this week, which means no pressure. He neglects to mention that Ashley totally has the option to ignore the rules (because according to C-Hare, there ARE no rules) and send someone home before the rose ceremony anyway.

Soon after the bachelors settle into their suite, the first date card arrives.

One-on-One Date #1: Constantine

Ashley has booked a couple of tickets on what appears to be the Hogwarts Express so the couple can get away to a little village for a lantern festival.

Ashley: There's something really romantic about a train ride...he's holding my hand, we're eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans from the candy trolley, he's holding my hand, we're waving at strangers in the woods, and he's holding my hand.

Constantine: The train ride was awesome. We're holding hands and hanging out, the Slytherin kids aren't coming over to hassle us, we're holding hands, we're going through dark tunnels and holding hands.

Finally Ashley and Constantine reach their destination. Oh, and did you notice, thanks to the camera guy's great close-ups? They were holding hands the whole way.

They've arrived just in time to join in the annual lantern festival, which I'm sure was the inspiration behind the scene in Tangled, which I will reference later. According to tradition, participants paint their "love wishes" on the sides of their lanterns, so Ash and Connie grab a couple of paintbrushes and go to town.

More arts and crafts? Why isn't Ben on this date?

While Ashley paints roses, birds, and engagement rings, Constantine goes to work on the other side of the lantern with, "Constantine and Ashley: 2011 - ?" Aww, like a little gravestone.

I had a lot of trouble concentrating during this date, but I have to admit that all of Constantine's blah-ness is probably a sign that he is actually a normal, down-to-earth dude and that he and Ashley have a pretty solid connection. They both seem relaxed with their relationship; they don't seem to be forcing anything, and that's kind of cool and rare to see on this show.

Despite serving up a lackluster dinner conversation, the producers treated us to a per-FACT visual as Ashley and Constantine released their love-wish lantern into the night sky along with hundreds of others. Cue the music, please...

One-on-One Date #2: Ben

The producer summons Ames to the door, where he's instructed that he and no one else will read this date card because it has a pun in it:

"Let's spend a gorges day together."

Anyone without an Ivy League degree wouldn't be able to interpret the joke there. Because according to Lucas, if you don't get an Ivy degree, the best you can hope for is to spend your days being an idiot and getting into fights in the streets.

With hometown dates just around the corner, Ashley wants to make sure she and Ben share more than just an affinity for art projects:

Ashley: I'm developing strong feelings for Ben, but I need to make sure I connect with him emotionally AND physically. I'm looking for the total package here.

The couple explores the gorges on a moped, during which Ben displays that he is expert-level in cute conversation:

Ben: (Looking back) How's your date going, kiddo?
Ashley: Hey, keep your eyes on the road, buddy.
Ben: It's tough when I've got such precious cargo behind me.
Ashley: You're such a sweet-talker!
Ben: I know! I'm so good at it!

Ben explains that he's happier than he's been in ages and that today is like a scene right out of a fairy tale.

I can't think of any fairy tales that include mopeds, but...ok. I think Ben was closer to the mark when he referenced Harry and Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber.

At dinner, Ashley asks Ben how his family will feel about their relationship. Ben plays his cards right and implies how serious he is about the two of them and that his family will support that. He also exposes some vulnerability to Ashley by being honest about his feelings, without dropping what he likes to call "the L-Bomb."

Good enough for Ashley. Make-out time!

Group Date: Lucas, Ames, J.P.

Ryan is thrilled his name is not on the date card:

Ryan: I'm SO excited! I mean, all these things I'm thinking and feeling about what's coming! There's so much energy running through me!!!

While Ryan bounces around the room like Tigger, the rest of the guys roll their eyes and leave the room.

J.P. has a terrible attitude about this group date; he is far enough into his feelings about Ashley that he now doesn't want to share her with anyone else. The fact that Ben doesn't come back until the next morning only makes matters worse. J.P. continues to pout when Ashley meets the guys at what I can only guess is the Taiwan equivalent to Olan Mills.

Ashley announces that since the brides and grooms of Taiwan loooove their wedding photos, that's what today's date will be all about!

That's right -- Ashley will be doing a bridal photo shoot with three of her potential fiances. The guys will be wearing formal wear of varying types. As in, completely covered from head to toe.

May I just remind you for a second of the three-on-one photo shoot Ashley was a part of during her time on The Bachelor?

Who do the ABC producers think their demographic is?!

The Olan Mills Taiwan photo "artists" have planned today's wedding shoot around the following themes:

Arranged Marriage

Modern Bride Editorial (which I LOVED)

Dollar Tree Wedding Cake Topper

J.P.'s frown turns upside down when he sees Lucas in a "shiny dress" and Ames in sequins, feathers, and ruffles. But when the photographer coaches, "Kees! Kees! Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!" and J.P. has to watch the other two guys smooch Ashley, he tenses up again. He emotionally checks out for the photo shoot, and he barely makes an effort to care when Ashley shows the guys the finished photos at the after-party.

Ashley's one-on-one time with each of the guys goes as follows:

Lucas and Ashley
Lucas: Look, I get that this is all part of the culture of what they do here, but I felt kinda foolish while J.P. was in a tux and you were in a wedding gown, and I was in a corner wearing a dress.
Ashley: It wasn't a dress; it was a long shirt.
Lucas: Whatever.

Ames and Ashley
Ames: Here's my collection of baby photos and endearingly awkward adolescent photos.
Ashley: Cuuuuuuuute!

J.P. and Ashley
J.P.: Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Ashley: Here's a date rose!

One-on-One Date: Ryan

Ryan is "friggin' pumped" and declares that he will sleep with his date card next to him. After the first good night's sleep he's had since the beginning of their adventures in Asia, Ryan has the energy to jog across a HUGE open space to meet Ashley near a temple.

Side note -- why do the producers always stage the bachelors and bachelorettes to meet up an awkwardly long distance from each other? It's too far to run because you're dressed nice and you don't want to break a sweat; but it's also too long to walk at a normal pace because you're in plain sight of each other but not near enough to be in comfortable speaking distance.

Ashley and Ryan visit the temples of the numerous gods worshipped in Taiwan, and they stop in front of the matchmaking god to play a game...or make a wish...or say a prayer? I'm not really sure. Basically, you make a wish on a pair of apple-slice shaped bricks, and then you toss them in front of the idol. If they land on opposite sides, your wish will come true. If the land on the same side, you have to skip a turn, then roll a three, then pass "Go," then break up with the other idiot who threw the brick with you.

I may have missed some details in there, but it was something like that.

As a grey foreshadowing of what's to come, Ashley and Ryan throw same-sided bricks.

During lunch by a koi pond, Ryan and Ashley take a cue from the outdoor setting to talk about Ryan's favorite subject -- the environment.

Ryan: What do you do to protect the environment?
Ashley: One time I threw away a plastic water bottle and the guy I was dating got so mad about it that he left me.
Ryan: Well, let me tell you about water heaters!

As Ashley's eyes glaze over while Ryan discusses the energy being wasted by long, hot showers, her voiceover tells us what we already know:

"Ryan is the per-fact guy. He's gorgeous, upbeat, and sweet...but I just don't feel any real connection with him."

She tells Ryan this after he finishes describing how much his family would like her. Ryan looks genuinely shocked that he's being let go at this point, and I genuinely feel bad for him. He tries to muscle his way through the on-camera exit interview without too many tears:

"This is literally the most depressing day of my life. I did not see that coming. Please excuse me while I go cry this out behind a grove of palm trees."

Deleted Scene: Ryan Tells the Guys He's Leaving

Rose Ceremony

Ashley and C-Hare sit down for a quick interview, during which I fantasize about how cool this show would be if Seth Meyers were in it.

CH: Well, Ash...fewer guys this week. Which means we need to drag this conversation out as long as possible.
Ashley: That's too bad, Chris, because I've already made up my mind, and I don't need a cocktail party tonight.
CH: Are you sure? This is a big decision...next week you're gonna meet these guys' crazy families. There's nothing that could happen at this cocktail party that might help you make sure you're doing the right thing?
Ashley: Nope.
CH: Crap. Alright, someone get Emily on the phone so we can interview her when we get back to L.A. We're gonna need some filler this week.

Roses go to...

Constantine
Ben
Ames

Ashley and Lucas get through their goodbyes without so much as a tear, and my sister Michelle observes at this point that Ashley has managed to get through the entire episode without mentioning Bentley!

Well done, madam!

Coming Up...

Isn't Hometown Date Week the best?! We're gonna see roller rinks, pizza kitchens, carriage rides, and one big fat Greek family! Count me in.

P.S. Thank you, ABC editors, for the very best credits outtake in Bachelorette history: a dog lifting his leg on a love-wish lantern really sums up everything about this show per-fact-ly.

See you in the hometowns!
Lisa ;)

four folks the bachelorette needs

2011-07-07T22:16:00.023-04:00

Since there were no new shenanigans on The Bachelorette over the holiday last week (Independence Day really took on a new meaning, didn't it?), I got to daydreaming about what it would be like if I could make my own version of the show. I decided that if it were up to me, the Bachelorette would get some help from a few TV personalities who could help her keep her sanity intact while sifting through the field of crazies, cheaters, and creepsters who signed on for the show.

Here's my list of Four Folks The Bachelorette Needs:

1. Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger
"Shut up!"

Patti should be there from the very beginning -- that way we could see her consulting with the casting directors on the batch o' bachelors headed for the Mansion. I'd also love for Patti to check in with both parties via speakerphone after each date, and invite herself into the Bachelorette's condo or hotel suite at the first sign of tears to yell at her on behalf of all of us watching at home. Best of all, Patti could also be available to administer lie detector tests to shady characters like Ashley's Bentley and Jillian's Wes.

2. SNL Weekend Update Anchor Seth Meyers
"REALLY?!?!!"

I think Chris Harrison would be more than happy to let Seth sit in for him during those tedious and painful pre-rose ceremony interviews. As soon as the bachelorette started to get teary-eyed and whine about how hard her week was, it would only take a few zingers from Seth to put a little perspective on how "hard" it is to be on an all-expense-paid trip to an exotic country with a hand-picked group of single guys, each one equipped with washboard abs. I can hear him now: "Really, The Bachelorette?! REALLY?!!"

3. The Second City's Sassy Gay Friend
"What are you doing?! What, what, what are you doing!"

This is an element of the real Bachelorette the is severely lacking; I mean, if ever there was a show format that called for a trusty male gal-pal, this is it! A SGF would be a welcome confidante to any bachelorette. He'd help boost her self-esteem, keep her from taking any unnecessary crap from the bachelors, and talk her out of falling for anyone too quickly: "You love him?! You met him Sunday. It's barely Thursday morning. Slow down, Crazy. Slow down."

4. So You Think You Can Dance Judge/Choreographer Mia Michaels
"I love cutting!"

I miss seeing her on the SYTYCD judges' panel this summer, don't you? So why don't we give her another place to deliver swift elimination decisions without batting an eyelash? Long gone would be those two-minute filler shots of the bachelorette gazing longingly at framed photo after framed photo before each rose ceremony. Instead, Mia Michaels would join the bachelorette at the memory wall to explain why she has no problem letting the bachelors in question go home:

Bachelorette: I really like this guy, but some of the other guys say he's not here for the right reasons.
Mia: That guy uses more hair product than I do. Lose him.
Bachelorette: What about this guy? He's smart, funny, cute, and polite, but I'm not sure if the romantic spark is there.
Mia: You're stupid. He's stupid. He makes me sick. I can't stand the two of you together. Keep him!

If you think of anyone who would make a helpful addition to The Bachelorette, leave it in the comments section! Maybe we can convince ABC to change their structure by the next season.

This week's recap will be served up later in the week!

Until then,
Lisa ;)

the bachelorette week 6: man overboard!

2011-06-28T11:35:00.020-04:00

This week's Bachelorette episode lived up to the hype preceding it on ABC all last week. This show had everything -- betrayal, floating restaurants, boat races with complete strangers, closure, saki, red silk robes, and language censors. And that's not all -- when you wander through the streets, you'll get chased by a pack of lion dancers!

Ashley has barely settled in to her Hong Kong hotel suite when a knock on the door interrupts her scheduled "sit and pretend to be wistful" time. Ashley is immediately anxious once she opens the door to find Chris Harrison standing there. Papa Harrison tells Ashley that he's delivered in a big way -- Bentley is in the hotel. Right. Now.

After shouting, "SHUT UP!" at our host, Ashley takes a really-really-quick visit to her Dark Place, but before she can shed one tear, C-Hare steers her back toward the light:

CH: You said you wanted closure. I moved mountains to get this guy here, so don't you dare be vague with him.
Ashley: Right, right! I'm in a good place now, I don't want to be unfair to the other guys, and I want to move on.
CH: OK, remember the Interviewing 101 tips I gave you?
Ashley: Create an environment of trust but stay emotionally unattached.
CH: Correct.
Ashley: Ask very specific questions.
CH: Right.
Ashley: And no regrets!
CH: Mmmm...that's not really one of the rules, but sure. Here's the most important one -- don't leave that room with any questions.

C-Hare leaves the numbers 4315 on a pad of hotel stationary and exits the room. Ashley gathers her thoughts, then marches down the many-mirrored hallway to face Bentley.

When Bentley answers the door, there's a cringe-worthy moment where Ashley puts her face up to Bentley's and they share a quick peck. It's sort of like that awkward scenario when you see your ex for the first time since you've broken up, and you greet them with a kiss out of habit and then think, "that was really weird."

In this case, I think Ashley's just so used to kissing people that it's more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else.

"So fill me in! What have I missed?" Bentley says. I don't know what the hell Bentley thinks he's going to accomplish with this conversation -- is he trying to get back on the show? Is he trying to establish a buddy-buddy rapport with Ashley? As usual, I can't make any sense of what his motives are on this show.

Ashley is visibly confused by his chatty attitude as well, but she presses on.

Ashley: You know, just traveling around Asia with a bunch of dudes I might marry. What have you been up to?
Bentley: Just...working a lot. That's about it.
Lisa: Um...aren't you forgetting something, guy?
Ashley: How's Cozy?
Lisa: Bingo.
Bentley: Who? Oh, yeah! She's good.
Lisa: Because...she's been at her mother's?
Ashley: You know, after you left, I had a really hard time.
Bentley: Was it fun, though?
Lisa: What?!
Ashley: Uh...no. And the other guys are having a hard time too because they can tell I'm not totally into this anymore. I've been holding back because of you.
Bentley: I'm so happy to hear that. It sounds like we're still on the same page.
Lisa: What is he doing? He doesn't want her, but he won't let her go...is he just into psychological torture or what?
Ashley: Well, I can't do this "dot dot dot" thing. If we're done forever --
Bentley: I'm sorry, done forever? I told you to come to Salt Lake if it didn't work out here.
Ashley: But that's not fair to me. You need to either continue this amazing journey with me, or we need to call it quits so I can move on with my life and not waste the time of all these other guys.

Uh-oh, ultimatums are like Kryptonite to guys like Bentley! Watch him start to deteriorate:

Bentley: If I could do it again...for your sake, I can't believe I went home...like, that was real.
Lisa: Mmmm...That don't make no sense.
Bentley: I think you know where I'm at, but you're here for a reason...and, like, I think...knowing that I'm home...it doesn't look good for you and me. I would implore you to see what you have here, I guess.
Ashley: So this is our period.

Bentley freezes for a full minute-thirty. I check my DVR remote to make sure I didn't accidentally hit pause. Maybe Bentley's hoping that if he stays still long enough, he'll blend in with the furniture and Ashley will forget he's here and walk away.

Ashley: See, sometimes you just have to be a man and admit that it's time to move on.

NOPE! She can still see you, dude!

At this point, Ashley transforms from the woefully insecure blob of whiny self-doubt into a different being altogether.

Ashley: I hate to admit this, but after you left I was broken. If you wanted to leave me wanting you and make me miserable because I couldn't have you, than mission a-****ing-ccomplished.
Lisa: WOAH!
Ashley: I thought you at least respected me enough to give me closure. But the fact is, it's not fair for you to try to keep this stupid "dot dot dot" in play because you left me.
Lisa: Preach!
Bentley: Well...maybe we should call it a period.
Ashley: You came all the way to Hong Kong for that? We could've had this conversation over the phone.
Lisa: Yes!
Bentley: I...wanted to see you.
Ashley: Why? You just wanted a vacay?
Lisa: Oooooooh!
Bentley: (chirp, chirp...)
Ashley: You should have called. That's it.

And she's done. Ashley walks out of the room with a stone-cold, tear-free face that would make Papa Harrison so very proud. She explains that she sees through Bentley now and recognizes him for the player that he is.

"Bentley, if you're watching this," she says into the camera, "BLEEEEEEP! I'm done with you."

And like a phoenix rising from the ashes, a true reality star is born!

(Or as my little sister said in a text last night, "I like her again!")

One-On-One Date: Lucas

Energized by her successful confrontation and subsequent closure, Ashley is ready to explore downtown Hong Kong with our Texas street-fighter, Lucas. Compared to what just happened with the B-word, watching this one-on-one was like watching nail polish dry. Which is what I was doing while watching this date. Let's just hit the main points, shall we?

1) Ashley compares Hong Kong to New York City, which means nothing to Lucas because he's never been there. Or ever seen it in a movie, apparently.
2) The couple samples spiced meats in the open-air market place, and Lucas promptly wishes he had a cheeseburger.
3) During dinner on what Lucas calls a "pirate ship," he tells her she's not the kind of girl he'd date.
4) Ashley asks Lucas what's the hardest thing he's ever been through and he responds, "Well, besides having family members die and that kinda thing...divorce." He follows this up with his "we fell out of love" speech.
5) Ashley gives Lucas the date rose for reasons I cannot understand. Lucas gets excited after they share their first kiss, and Ashley replies, "Oh, was that our first kiss? I've lost track."

Group Date: Dragon Boats...with Strangers

Everyone but J.P. is invited on the group date this week; it's a bit of a slap in the face to Blake and Ryan, who have yet to get a one-on-one date. Ashley greets her fellas on the beach and announces that they'll be racing dragon boats!

Well done, ABC folks -- another chance for the bachelors to schlep Ashley across a body of water while she sits in a boat and does nothing. You know we viewers just can't get enough of that. I can only guess this is because they don't have hot tubs or helicopters in the East...?

Ashley takes all the gym class fun out of choosing teams by assigning the guys per the producers' instructions: The Long-Haireds (Ben and Constantine), The Frenemies (Blake and Ryan), and The Clean-Cuts (Ames and Mickey). Ashley then breaks the news to the boys that they will have to hit the streets of Hong Kong to fill the other eight seats in their dragon boats!

All three teams take unique approaches. The Clean-Cuts waste no time agreeing on a strategy -- pick all dudes (so as not to threaten the shred of self-confidence Ashley has gained back this week), and ask for guys with experience. Before long, with the help of Ames's excellent foreign relations skills, the guys have rustled up every championship-level dragon boat racer in town.

Meanwhile, the Frenemies are not enjoying immediate success due to the fact that they can't find anyone who speaks a language they can understand. Ryan's attempts to find an interpreter look like something out of My Fair Lady: "Eh-lo! Do you speak Eeeengleeesh, gov'nah?" But Blake begrudgingly admits that Ryan's tireless enthusiasm has one benefit -- it exhausts people into doing what he says. Team Frenemy returns to the beach followed by a gaggle of Hong Kong locals who are trying to look cheerful lest they be pep-talked to death by Captain America and his sidekick, Doctor Incisor.

The Long-Haireds are having no luck at all; maybe it's the Josh Groban haircuts, but the local folks just seem downright scared by these two guys. After a number of awkward encounters, the Long-Haireds decide to go shopping instead.

Typical guy stuff!

Constantine and Ben march down the beach a bit later rocking some bright red silk robes. They claim that once they donned the kimonos, strangers just started following them to the race site. I think what really happened is that the on-location producer popped into a local restaurant and made a deal with a nervous-looking gentleman holding a ring box -- invite your friends and future fiancee to the beach, do an impromptu dragon boat race, and get your proposal on American national television.

The three teams climb into their dragon boats, man their oars, and the race begins. Ashley has popped a squat at the front of Team Frenemy's vessel and pounds the crap out of the drum in front of her. The Clean-Cuts and their collection of champions are rowing as one and taking a definite lead. The Long-Haireds are doing everything they can to keep the boat from actually moving backward in the water.

"We kept shouting, 'Ba-Chi,' which we thought meant, 'Eat It!" explains Ben in a post-race interview. "But it turns out it means, 'Idiot.'"

Oh, man, I wish I could high-five the local who told them to chant that!

The Clean-Cuts easily reach the beach first, and Ames makes sure everyone crosses the finish line together. He's so polite, it's unreal.

Just as promised by the on-location producer, a "coincidental" proposal goes down on the beach after the race. Ashley gasps and OMGs profusely, then jokingly says, "Who's next?"

Eye-roll.

At the after party that night, Ashley opens by quoting the lyrics to one of her favorite songs: "I got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night!"

Ames has been humming a different tune ("Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith) and invites Ashley to join him on a little ride to the top floor of the building, during which he totally GOES FOR IT. Poor Ashley; I suspect she is not so much sexually attracted to Ames, which is why she keeps pulling back and putting a little distance between the two of them. At one point, the makey-outey elevator ride is interrupted by some other guests who say something in Chinese which roughly translates to "Dirty Americans!" and Ames blushes, saying, "That...was not expected."

"Ohhhh, shoots!" says Ashley. Ash, quit trying to make "shoots" happen. It's not going to happen.

Ashley notes that the view from the top is worth the slobbery trip. I think she enjoys being around Ames, but she just isn't attracted to him. I'm still gonna root for him, though.

Back on the ground, Artsy Ben is looking precious in his little Old Navy professor duds. He and Ashley get makey-outey on the patio, but Ashley seems to be leaning into these kisses. Ben is equally smitten, as he admits to the camera:

"I'm on the path to love. Who woulda thunk it? Me, the biggest skeptic of all."

Hang on there, buddy. I'M the biggest skeptic of all. If you were the biggest skeptic of all, you wouldn't be on this show.

While Ashley steals away with Ryan, the rest of the guys take the opportunity to complain about how annoyingly enthusiastic he is. Here's how their path of logic goes:

Ryan is too happy all the time to be liked by anyone. Therefore, Ashley couldn't possibly like him. This leaves only two possibilities: 1) that Ryan acts differently around Ashley, which means he's two-faced, or 2) that Ashley likes obnoxiously cheerful people, which means that if she's into Ryan, she can't possibly be into any of the other guys because they are SO not like Ryan.

What I would like to know is, if Ryan is being two-faced to win Ashley's affections, what's the side that he's supposedly showing her that makes a better impression than being eternally optimistic? Do they think he's being a sad little rain cloud when he's with her? And if so, how would that make him more appealing?

I think Ashley likes him because he's always happy to be there and quick to tell her so. And while I agree that someone so positive can seem fake to other people, I don't understand why the rest of the guys are getting so upset about it. Is it just me, or is this whole issue growing way out of proportion?

One thing I don't like about Ryan is that he campaigns for date roses and one-on-one dates. He's a little pushy. He practically begs Ashley to give him the date rose, and I think she does it mostly just to shut him up.

One-On-One Date: J.P.

Although it's no pajamas and wine date, Ashley and J.P.'s second one-on-one seems equally low-key -- and I mean that in a good way. There's something about J.P. that is so simple and clear. He puts Ashley at ease because he doesn't play games or try to think of clever things to say; he is very transparent, which is exactly the kind of guy she needs given her tendency to second-guess things. Not a lot happens on this date except for one very significant thing -- Ashley tells J.P. about her Bentley obsession. To me, this felt like that point in a romantic comedy when the lead character says something like, "this whole relationship started out just because my friends made a bet, but now I really have feelings for you!"

Or, "I have to tell you something -- I'm a terrible person, but now I feel like I can tell you because I care about you and I trust you!"

Or, "Surprise! I'm not really royalty! I've just a commoner who's been lying to you this whole time!"

Or, "Hey, by the way, I have magical powers. That's cool, right?"

What I'm saying is, I was worried.

But J.P. saw the confession for what it was -- a gift; a sign that he was leagues ahead of the rest of the guys because she felt safe enough with him to admit that she'd been an idiot. J.P. tells Ashley he's glad she told him about the B-word, and needless to say, he earns a rose.

Rose Ceremony

Going into tonight's rose ceremony, our Bachelorette is feeling as buoyant and sparkly as the floating restaurant she's approaching in (you guessed it) a boat to meet her bachelors. Ashley is feeling so good after drop-kicking Bentley from her mind and confessing to J.P. that she thinks tonight it would be a good idea to tell the rest of the guys all about her amazing journey out of Bentleyland.

She thought wrong.

Although Ashley tries her darndest to put a positive spin on the fact that she was hung up on a guy she'd known for 72 hours, the bachelors (minus J.P.) are understandably miffed that Ashley's been pining away for someone on another continent while they've been fighting (literally) for her attention. Lucas tells Ashley he thinks it's weird that she didn't tell anyone (him) sooner (on their one-on-one date). Constantine says he feels like Ashley has been lying to everyone. And Blake practically wags a finger at her for not paying any attention to him despite the fact that he's been following her all over the globe.

Obviously, Ashley goes off to cry. And obviously, Ryan follows like a big, blond Labrador retriever. "If they don't want to be here, they can leave!" he pants. "It's sizzling! The kettle pot is about to explode!"

Kettle pot?

Mickey is completely put off not only because he feels Ashley has been dishonest, but because he doesn't want to have anything to do with a girl who finds guys like Bentley attractive. He tells Ashley to eliminate him from the show:

Mickey: You need to send two guys home tonight. Make me one of them.
Ashley: If you want to leave, initiate it yourself. Don't wait around for the rose ceremony.

And he doesn't.

The next thing we know, Mickey is on the tugboat that brought Ashley over earlier. The rest of the guys wave goodbye and promise to add him on Facebook when they all get home. When they turn around, Ashley is standing there sobbing.

Because what else is she going to do?

She apologizes to the guys for being selfish and untruthful, and then scurries away to have someone fix her running mascara before she has her sit-down with Papa Harrison.

Blake is instantly melted by the sight of Ashley crying, and he immediately regrets his decision to scold her for ignoring him.

Meanwhile, C-Hare tries not to visibly roll his eyes when he asks Ashley how her night's going and she bursts into tears.

Ashley: I don't know how to navigate my way through this right now!
CH: Well, I may be the only guy on this show who's not going to row the boat for you, kid, so figure it out. These guys aren't totally wrong to feel like they've been wasting their time.
Ashley: I don't know what to doooooo!
Lisa: What happened to the phoenix?
CH: Hey, I've done my part. I got Bentley here, which was above and beyond, in my opinion. You got yourself into this; you get yourself out.

After gazing at the bachelors' headshots, Ashley figures out what to do. Roses go to:

Ben
Constantine
Ames

Blake floats back across the water alone. I'm sorry to see Blake go, because he seemed like a good guy for Ashley. But he did sort of dig his own grave.

Coming Up...

We're headed to Taiwan! The montage includes the Hogwarts Express, pagodas, silk robes, those floaty lanterns from Tangled, and a shocking turn of events as another bachelor returns to the show! Who's coming back? Who will get hometown dates? And will Ashley finally get through an entire episode without saying Bentley's name? Leave your guesses in the comment section below!

Lisa ;)

the bachelorette week 5: disorientaled

2011-06-21T20:58:00.015-04:00

I have to confess that my sister and I were so busy trying to remember who Lucas and Nick were that we misheard the announcement of where Ashley and her band of merry bachelors were headed next. First we thought they were going to Shanghai, China. Although in hindsight, I don't know how I thought ABC had time to spend transporting the boys there via hot pink tour bus.

View Larger Map

We were further confused (and distracted by our discussion of the hot pink tour bus) when the well-traveled Ames informed us that Shanghai is historically one of the most romantic cities in Thailand. And when the hot pink tour bus finally stopped and Chris Harrison welcomed the fellas to the ancient city of Chiang Mai, I finally said,

"Wait a minute...I'm dis-Oriental-ed. Where are they?"

Ashley is happy to shine a little light on the situation; she has emerged from her Dark Place to find new hope, new love, and a new start in this ancient city. I'm still just a little confused because I thought she emerged from her Dark Place and got a new start the first time they got to Thailand.

C-Hare explains this week's rules: just one one-on-one date this week, followed by a group date, and finally the sudden-death two-on-one date. He leaves the first date card on the table and bids the gentlemen adieu, saying, "I'll see MOST of you at the next rose ceremony!" He tries to hold in an evil chortle as he saunters out the door.

One-on-One Date: Ben the Artsy Wine Maker

The first date card goes to Ben, who captured Ashley's attention with his "elephant" "mural" on last week's group "date." The pair, appropriately clothed in colors from the pink section of the color wheel, bundle into a Thai taxi and join the vibrant culture of the open-air market. They visit an umbrella shop, where they recapture their artistic connection by painting more animals on things. Ashley has been watching Portlandia on the plane, because when the umbrella-painting lady gets to work on the umbrella to be used later in the episode, Ash requests that she PUT. A. BIRD. ON. IT.

Later they try painting some baby umbrellas. Ashley paints what I think was a heart-fish, and Ben slaps a portrait of Mr. Bill on his umbrella. When he shows Ashley, he goes, "Berp-BERP, Berp-berp," in a goofy, awkward Muppet voice that I instantly loved and imitated the rest of the show.

The couple takes their tiny umbrellas to an ancient temple where it is FORBIDDEN to kiss. "It's SACRILEGIOUS!!!" warns Ashley, batting her falsies at Ben. She suggests a "mental kiss," and both close their eyes and imagine making out with each other.

Berp-BERP, Berp-berp.

Ashley opens her eyes and says, "Mmmmmm, that was good." Geez, this woman is like a cat in heat. I can almost smell the pheromones through the TV screen. Later at dinner, Ash and Ben bond over discussing how Ben's late father influenced his life. After Ashley awards Ben the date rose, they are entertained by the characters from the Asian portion of "It's a Small World."

Group Date: A Girl Worth Fighting For

Back at the house, the men have used their deductive reasoning powers to determine that the group date will, in fact, determine who will be on the two-on-one date, because it will be the two guys whose names aren't on the group date card. Well done, boys. Surely you didn't need the help of Ames' numerous Ivy League degrees to figure that one out.

The group date will include:
Constantine
Ames
Nick
Blake the Dentist
Lucas from Texas
Ryan, aka Chris from Parks and Recreation
J.P.
Hey, Mickey!

William and Bayou Ben share a tense smile when they realize they'll be facing off on the two-on-one date.

Ashley meets her group date victims at a Muay Thai training center, sporting a pair of comically large hot pink gloves. The guys are stoked to get the chance at throwing a few punches -- even soft-spoken Lucas from Texas informs us that he's been in a few street fights.

Mmmmkay.

Know who hasn't been in a street fight? Our own Wall Street Ames. While the rest of the dudes are jumping around and practicing their round-house kicks to the face, Ames is politely introducing himself to his trainer in the trainer's native tongue. Ames's training b-roll is like a comical montage from the first act of a Karate Kid movie. To top it all off, Ames is such a gentleman that he allows all the other guys to pick out their brightly-colored boxing gloves and shorts before him, and he ends up with the hot pink gear.

There is a LOT of hot pink on the show this week. It makes me feel like I would enjoy Thailand.

Ashley herds the guys onto a bus, and they travel to a boxing ring surrounded by spectators somewhere downtown. It's at this point that the fellas realize they'll be fighting each other in front of Ashley, a few dozen locals, and a national TV audience.

Ryan is barely fazed; his plastered-on smile bumps up its full wattage as he climbs out of the taxi. "This is literally the most exciting date I've ever been on!" he exclaims, hopping around like a kangaroo. "It's on, guys!"

Nick and his golden, curly mane are a little less enthusiastic: "When I was a teenager, my buddy and I bought some boxing gloves and punched each other in the face to see what it felt like. Never. Again."

Let's not forget this guy is a personal trainer.

Whether excited or apprehensive, one thing is certain -- no one is backing out of this fight, because everyone is here to prove that Ashley is (cue your Mulan soundtracks, please) a girl worth fighting for.

Blake the Dentist and Lucas the Texas Street Fighter are first to spar. Ashley immediately regrets her/ABC's decision to plan this date. Ryan, on the other hand, is on Cloud 9:

"This is literally testosterone at its finest. A bunch of men in bright,silky shorts hitting each other to get a girl's attention? You couldn't ask for a more intense environment!"

Despite Lucas's prior experience battling it out in the streets of Texas, Blake the Dentist delivers a little Novocaine and knocks out his opponent.

J.P. declares that "there's no crying in Muay Thai," (how can you NOT love this guy?!) before stepping into the ring with Hey, Mickey! Although Mickey has a definite size advantage, you'd never know it by the way he huddles in a corner while J.P. delivers a swift series of wallops.

After the fight, J.P. is all smiles: "The Jew from Long Island kicked the Irishman's ass. Just wanted to get that out there."

Would you look at that ponem!

Ashley is ready to tap out of the date all together when genteel Ames and overly enthusiastic Ryan enter the boxing ring. Lucas observes that Ames is out of his comfort zone here:

"Ames was at Harvard and Yale while the rest of us were being idiots and fighting in the streets."

So...hold up a minute, Lucas. You mean to tell me that the only alternative to an Ivy League education is being an idiot and fighting in the streets? Good to know.

Ames's strategy mostly involves not dying. But this becomes a little harder when Ryan delivers a punch right to the head. No one pays attention to the last match between Nick and Constantine because they're too busy watching tweety birds circle Ames's head. Ames insists that he's fine, but Ashley summons the on-site producer to call an ambulance. She guides her wounded warrior to the ambulance while Ames, gentleman that he is, apologizes to her for ruining the date!

Bless his heart!

Normally the guys would be glad to have eliminated another bachelor from the competition, but tonight everyone seems genuinely worried about him. That includes the effervescent Ryan, who delivered the punch and feels a little bad about it...but not so bad that he can't show off a few bumps and bruises to Ashley. Later he jokes good-naturedly with the rest of the dudes about how good Ames looked in his pink boxing ensemble.

Just then, Ames slowly walks into the circle. He is smiling, but it's clear that he's still not firing on all cylinders:

"My eyes are burning...someone must be talking about me! Nithe to thee you guyth."

Ashley immediately jumps up when she realizes that Ames has arrived and exclaims, "I'm so glad you're here!"

"I'm glad I'm here too!" Ames quips back. Good to see that even with a concussion, he's still wittier than half the guys here.

He explains to Ashley that he feels fine, but he's just a little dizzy and, as I'm fond of saying this week, disorientaled.

Ames claims to have trouble organizing or verbalizing any of his thoughts for Ashley because of his concussion, but he still manages to be charming and clever:

Ashley: So what did the doctors tell you?
Ames: Well, they did lots of tests, and they told me that I'm totally in love...
Lisa: Well played, sir!
Ashley: Would you stop it!!! You're soooo cuuuuuuute!
Ames: They also said I have a mild concussion, so...
Ashley: Oh no! I'm so sorry!
Ames: No, I'm sorry. I can't even be charming right now.
Lisa: You ARE being charming.
Ashley: You ARE being charming.

Ashley gathers the guys around to show how fun it is to mess with Concussed Ames:

Ashley: Look, guys, he has a concussion and he's still here! Doesn't he look good?
Lucas: You look great, bro!
Ames: Thakes, namm.
Ashley and the Bachelors: HAAAAHAHAHAHA!

Now THAT'S out of the way, the guys are ready to stop feeling bad for Ames and start working on their relationships with Ashley.

Blake expresses concern that things are moving slowly for him, but Ashley reassures him that they're right where they need to be at this point. Blake agrees:

"Love is a marathon, not a sprint!"

Well said, Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

But Blake does make a good point when he says he thinks relationships that start out hot and heavy usually fizzle out quickly. Of course, this makes Ashley think of Bentley. (Doesn't everything?) Blake wins more points by mentioning that he's entitled to some feelings of apprehension because he hasn't been around Ashley much:

"I've been here for almost a month and you've hardly even spoken to me. I just wonder if you've been too pre-occupied with other people and put all your eggs in one Bentley -- sorry, basket."

Another reality check comes from Lucas, Texas Street Fighter, after Ashley guides him through the worn-out "teach me to golf" routine. Again, her cat-in-heat scent is wafting through the screen somehow.

Lucas calls Ashley out on her obvious feelings for Bentley. Ashley argues that she might be initially attracted to guys like Bentley, but that her first instincts may not be right for a life-long relationship.

Uhhh...ya think?

Although I obviously would have awarded Ames the date rose for his ability to be perfectly lovely even when concussed, Ashley gives it to Blake, who all but flies away with all the bubbles of giddiness this display of affection has produced. Smiling from ear to ear, he starts planning their dentist wedding.

Two-on-One Date: Bayou Ben and William

While the rest of the guys were busy kicking each other's butts, Artsy Ben was busy delivering the last date card of the week to Bayou Ben and William. It is also the duty of the one-on-one date winner to interview the two-on-one victims prior to their date.

Artsy Ben: So...how do you guys feel about the date tomorrow?
Bayou Ben: Well, it's a little tense, and it's a tough situation to be in, but I'm trying to stay positive and be excited. I mostly just take my nervousness and channel it into my moody piano stylings.
Artsy Ben: I've noticed. William, what about you?
William: Well, this may just be the scotch talking, but I'm feeling confident. So confident, in fact, that I've decided to do my Robert Goulet impression all night. It's the Thunder Dome Date, baby. Da-da-deeee, da-da-doooo. Two men enter, one man leaves. Goulet!

Artsy Ben: How about I read these date cards. The first one says, "Guide me to love! Love, Ashley." The second one says -- oh, it's a poem! -- "Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes. Signed, Chris Harrison."

Somewhere in the distance, an evil cackle floats up into the Chiang Mai sky.

William: Well, if she's looking for guidance I can tell her which direction not to go! Goooooulet! Who has two thumbs, a false sense of confidence, and is gonna get the rose on this date? This guy.

William, you have officially fallen out of favor with The Blonde Blogette. Sadly, I knew this would happen. It's the First One-on-One Date Curse.

It's time for a date at the Elephant Life Experience Center, which looks a lot like the Jungle Cruise at Disney World, only with real elephants.

(The fact that I keep comparing everything in Thailand to Disney World rides is probably a sign that I need to travel more.)

Ashley orders her dates to steer their raft down the river while she relaxes and watches all the per-FACT little elephants.

Once they reach their picnic spot, William wastes no time proving he can be the biggest anything in a room -- goofball, romantic, jerk, or elephant -- and pulls Ashley away to tell her a dirty little secret about Bayou Ben:

"Look, I'm not throwing him under a hot pink tour bus or anything, but I think he's ready to go home because he keeps talking about how he's going to totally try online dating when he gets home."

Ashley allows herself to feel hurt by this because she can't recognize the difference between her own insecurities getting the best of her and a jerkface getting the best of her. She marches back to the picnic site, declares the two-on-one portion of the date finished, and tells Bayou Ben to beat it.

I wish Ryan would come punch me in the face so I wouldn't have to subject myself to this woman's utter nonsense any longer.

Ben doesn't even get a chance to truly explain himself. He mentions that what he said was a joke and that William knew that, but Ashley replies that just knowing Ben was considering online dating made it easier for her to send him home.

I'm sorry, can we just pause here for a second? I mean, look, woman, you are dating, like, ten guys right now. You are considering dating all of these other guys, AND you're still obsessed with Bentley, who isn't even here anymore! But you felt justified sending home Ben, who wanted to live in a bubble with you, just because he considered the very real possibility of you not choosing him in the end, which would mean he'd have to go home and look into some other dating options.

GOOD LORD, WOMAN. RYAN, PUNCH ME NOW!!!

Meanwhile, William is so bloated with confidence after Ben's quick departure that I almost mistake him for one of the elephants.

Bayou Ben is nothing if not chivalrous, and he refrains from saying anything negative about Ashley as he takes the humiliating raft ride back down the river.

Looks like it's time for me to sign up for Match.com and keep an eye out for piano-playing barristers in the Greater New Orleans area.

William tries to reignite the "let's get almost-married" feeling he and Ashley had in Vegas, but the lady is not having it. She sends William home too, and tosses the unused date rose in one of the fire pits.

William the 30-Year-Old Baby cries on his way to the airport, kicking himself for screwing up so miserably. I do feel kind of bad for him when he says that he has nothing to go home to, and that he wants to crawl into his Dark Place, fall asleep and never wake up.

Berp-BERP, Berp-berp.

Rose Ceremony

Ashley is feeling totally bummed and once again insecure after her two-on-none date. Fighting back tears, she muscles her way through a few conversations with the guys before retreating to her secret deliberation room where waits friend, confidante, and father figure Chris Harrison.

CH: Sit down, Half-Pint. What's on your mind?
Ashley: I've had a great week, and I know who my core group of guys is, but...
CH: But there's something else on your mind.
Ashley: If I'm gonna be honest, Chris, there IS something -- or should I say someone -- on my mind.
CH: And what/who is that?
Ashley: Well...you're gonna be mad when I say it, but...it's...do you wanna guess?
CH: I know what it is, but I need you to say it out loud so you can hear how ridiculous it sounds.
Ashley: It's...Bentley.
CH: OK, you're right. I'm pissed. This is getting to the point that it's not fair to the rest of the guys.
Ashley: I knooooooow, I feel guilty.
CH: OK, kid. So what do you want to do.
Ashley: I just feel like there was something there. And if we, saaayyyy, put Bentley in a room with all the other guys, I still don't know what I'd feel.
CH: So, again, what do you want to do?
Ashley: My tummy huuurrrts.
CH: Ashley? Focus. You need to tell me what you want to do. This has to be your call.
Ashley: Can you maybe just like let me talk to him and ask him some questions?
CH: We're halfway across the world. Bentley is allegedly back home in Utah. This won't be easy. But I am Chris Harrison, so let me see what I can do. Now get back out there and hand out some roses before our crew gets rained on for the twenty-third time this week.

Roses go to:

Constantine
Lucas
J.P.
Ames
Mickey
Ryan

Personal Trainer Nick is sent packing, and he fights tears as he says Ashley missed out on the perfect husband.

Coming Up...

There's no task too impossible for C-Hare, as proved by Bentley's return to the show next week. And the rest of the guys are rightfully upset.

The drama is ON in Hong Kong!!!

Lisa ;)

the bachelorette week 4 -- with a special guest!

2011-06-17T13:10:00.009-04:00

I know you, my faithful readers, have been waiting all week for the recap of Monday night's latest Bachelorette installment. And I promise you, what you're about to witness is worth the wait.

My dear friend Bonnie just relocated to Los Angeles, where she spotted one of our all-time favorite people from our all-time favorite guilty pleasure here at The Blonde Blogette. And even better, she's got the picture to prove it:

I was so thrilled after speaking with Bonnie about her celebrity encounter with Michelle Money (who, she says, was extremely nice and fun to talk to), that I invited Bonnie to guest post this week's recap.

I will add before yielding the floor that Bonnie is one hilarious dame; I still call the restaurant O'Charley's "O'Chaz" because of this girl. You're gonna love her. Make sure to read more about her adventures in the City of Angels on her own blog, Honestly Bonestly.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Bonnie Glass:

Greetings ladies and gents, from Los Angeles, California! As you may have gathered, I am not Lisa, but a fellow blonde blogger. I am thrilled and honored to be posting this week’s recap on the Blonde Blogette, and hope I can do it justice. So, without further ado, I give you Episode 4, the recap.

This week’s episode is full of the usual goods: rain kisses, bachelors pretending to like kids, guys being mad at other guys for being happy, etc. But one thing this week is different – no Bentley. You would hardly know it, though, because I think the name “Bentley” is said about 73 times (I didn’t count or anything).

In the wake of Bentley’s leaving, Ashley and Chris Harrison have agreed that everyone needs a fresh start, and the best place to do this would be Phuket, Thailand. The bachelors are all VERY excited about this, with Ames even stating “I think there is no better place to start over than Thailand.” Hmmm, ok.

One-on-One Date #1

The date card arrives announcing that Constantine and Ashley will be experiencing a sea adventure; however, much like the cloud over Ashley’s heart form Bentley, the clouds of Thailand roll in, making it impossible to enjoy what I’m sure would have been an awkward and mildly entertaining beach picnic. Ashley is very bummed, as evidenced by her pouty face and excessive hair tossing.

(Interjection from Lisa – I also think she’s bummed because she’s been trying all morning to remember who the hell Constantine is, and where that pink dental floss on her finger came from, and she’s drawing a total blank.)

Constantine keeps a positive attitude and again states that he is ready to discover the mysteries of Thailand. Oh, and Ashley.

Constantine, wanting to fully embrace his Thailand experience, heads to a nearby market and engages a local in conversation. With the help of a translator, they listen to the keys of a successful marriage:

1. forgive and forget (Ashley makes a sentimental pouty face)
2. don’t try to win (Ashley: covers her mouth in shock!)

“OMG, did you hear that?!” she squeals, swatting at Constantine. “You better remember that, OK, Charlie Sheen?”
“It’s Constantine.”
“That’s what I said.”

Ashley showers her local Thai friends with gratitude: “OMG, thank you so much. That was amazing! Constantine learned so much from that.” Side note, Ashley said “cuuuutttteee” about the street, a hat, the man, and the advice.

Ashley and Constantine end their date by drinking local beer from bottles with koozies and discussing everything that was terrible about their date (sweating, orange shorts, bad weather) and why in turn that made it such a good date (cue pouty face from Ashley). Constantine reiterates their received sage advice that it’s not about winning, although I am sure Chaz Sheen would disagree. They raise a toast to “not winning” and Ashley launches into a candid monologue about how much she misses Bentley, but feels she may be gaining a bit of her heart back. When walking back along the street, Ashley and Constantine burst into running, after Ashley says, “Do you want to just run??!?” just to show off how zany, crazy, off-the-wall, and spontaneous they really are!

The couple concludes their date with a sea-side bungalow dinner. Ashley expresses she is looking forward to using this time to get to know Constantine better.

(Lisa: And commit his name to memory.)

She hopes that he hasn’t noticed that she is feeling a little off, as her Bentley wound is still fresh. The conversation goes as follows:

C: So, how do I do this show?
A: Just be honest! I mean, if you aren’t feeling it, I understand. I am really good at handling rejection. I understand not everyone is in love with me. I am really laid back and cool.
Me: What?!
C: I really liked our date. It was a cool setting and a cool girl, and I like you.
A: I am really glad you said something, because I was really into it and I wasn’t sure if you were!
Me: What?!
A: I guess I was insecure for a second! Whoopsie-daisies!
C: I just want someone I can run through life with, like today! We ran and it was awesome. I beat you, which was awesome too.
A: No, I beat you!
C: No, I beat you…

Perhaps they should work on that “winning” advice.

Ashley and Constantine continue to chat, discussing past relationships, present openness, and future hopes. Ashley feels the date with Constantine put her back on track. In turn, he receives a rose, to which he replies “I think this is a really good idea.” There is very little chemistry between these two, and I see this ending in “friendship.”

(Lisa: Agreed. There’s already a friend card in the mail addressed to Constantine.)

Group Date

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived. Lucas rips open the envelope and implores the guys with the card’s message: “Let’s make the world a better place.” The date will include

Ben F.
JP
Blake the Dentist
Nicky-dog
West
Ben C.
Nick
Lucas (who does an early 90s “cha-ching” gesture)
William
Ryan

By process of elimination, the bachelors realize that Ames will be the one receiving the other one-on-one date. Wild jealousy ensues.

For the group date (ABC) Ashley has planned to do some renovations at a local orphanage. Every season, (ABC) the Bachelor/Bachelorette plans one of these dates. It’s a good chance for (ABC to get some positive promotion, and not be viewed as trash television) the participants to give back to local communities. But in all seriousness, I am sure the orphanage truly benefited from the donations of time and money, and I think that everyone involved really did take away a valuable experience.

Ryan takes on his normal role as “team captain” and begins instructing other bachelors what to do. This rubs a lot of people the wrong way – more to come on that later.

Ben F. (a.k.a. Ben the Wine Maker) decides to hijack this whole experience by painting a dumb “mural” on one of the walls, even though he admittedly can not paint. Not the time, Ben. Not the time. He uses the painting as a way to connect with Ashley and let her know that he has a sensitive artistic side that he would like to share with her. This whole thing annoyed me, because now these underprivileged orphans have to look at a TERRIBLE tacky painting, just because Ben F. wanted to get a little alone time with Ashley. She, however, seems impressed and is grateful that her mind is off Bentley, if only for a moment.

(Lisa: I have to add here that I’m willing to bet a coin with J.P.’s face on it that Ashley has never felt less desired than she did while in a house full of guys who were supposedly on a “date” with her, and none of them wanted to talk to her.

She went into the room where they were all working and threw a major hint their way: “Wow, you guys are really focused! You’re not even…like…flirting or anything! I mean, look at me, I’m literally in a wet t-shirt right now, guys.”

Ryan didn’t even look up from his clipboard where he was keeping track of quotas for all the other bachelors, and said, “This is no time for flirting, Ashley. We’re making the world a better place.”)

When the work is finished, the group spends a bit of time with the kids, showing them their new and improved digs, as well as playing soccer, riding bikes, and some inappropriate hula-hooping. JP is moved and thanks (ABC) Ashley for making this experience possible.

After a hard day of work, the group is ready to relax, and Ashley is ready to reconnect with the guys whose names she has forgotten in the last few weeks. Ben F. grabs some alone time with Ashley to expand upon their earlier art connection.

A: Today, you really impressed me.
B: Did I? Hmmm? I was just being my regular artsy self, so that’s weird that that would grab your attention. Well, you impressed me.
A: What do you mean?
B: Well, I was just painting a mural, I was pretty into my art, but I felt like you were buzzing around me more than usual.
A: It’s because I like you.
B: Really?
A: *Baby gibberish*
B: Today was big th—(kiss)
Me: That was incredibly awkward.

As previously stated, the guys are getting pretty annoyed with Ryan. They seem particularly perturbed by his winning smile, positive attitude, and natural charm with women. Ashley and Ryan get some one-on-one time, during which Ashley (prompted by the producers) asks Ryan if he is getting along with everyone is the house and fitting in.

R: Oh yeah, it’s great! I love everyone and everyone loves me. But enough about the guys, let’s talk about you! What is the main thing you are looking for?
A: I think first and foremost, I am looking for someone who will validate my self-worth. Preferably moment-by-moment, but daily will suffice. Also, I really want someone I can flirt with, ya know? I really want that physicalness.
R: Well, that is important.
(Lisa: Also, not a word.)

** Side note: Ryan reminds me so much of Rob Lowe’s character, Chris, on Parks and Recreation. If you have not had a chance to check out this stellar show, it is a MUST-SEE!

(Lisa: OMG, Bonnie, GREAT connection!!! I love it. So much so, that I may just write Ryan’s voice as Chris from P&R from now on.)

Ashley expresses that she is really enjoying her rekindled connections with the guys, and that focusing on the person in front of her is helping with her Bentley withdraw. She and JP head to the beach for some one-on-one time, or as I like to call it “Tired Arm in the Rain.”

A: So what did you think of the kids?
JP: It was an amazing experience, and regardless of what happens, I will never forget it.
A: Uuuhhhggg, I don’t like when you say “regardless of what happens. It’s like you’re leaving me!
JP: I’m not going anywhere. You would have to force me out.
A: Why?
JP: I think you know.
A: *Pouty face*
JP: So, when is my next date?
A: I am going to make our next one really good, because I was a sad-sack on our last one
JP: No you weren’t. It was amazing!
A: No, I was a poo-poo head…
JP: Ugh! No, you were fine, the date was fine, my arm is tired from holding this umbrella and we’re both getting wet anyway, can we just make out already?!
A: Ok.

Steamy kisses follow. This is why I watch this show.

JP makes an Officer and a Gentleman gesture by attempting to pick Ashley up and carry her through the rain.

A: Are you sure you can carry me?
JP: Of course I can!

And drops her. Wait, no, this is why I watch this show.

JP strolls in to the group with Ashley in his arms and jealousy streaks across all the guys’ faces.

Ryan: “Ugh! I wanted to carry her through the rain… hummmffff.”

Back at the homestead, Ames gets his one-on-one date card. Constantine encourages Ames by wishing him the best of luck in getting to know Thailand Ashley better.

As the group date is wrapping up, Ashley gets ready to hand out the date rose to someone she feels exemplifies all of the qualities that she is looking for in a man – perhaps the aforementioned validation and physicalness. Just as she begins her speech, Ryan interrupts to steal Ashley away for one more candid moment.

R: Sorry guys, so sorry! Ash, can I steal you away for just one quick second, please, just one thing. Sorry guys, really, sorry.
A: Hey, Ryan, what is it?
R: I just really like our convos, and am looking forward to more.
A: Ok.
R: That’s it. Thanks.

This is like when you were in junior high and you were talking to a guy/gal that you liked and the conversation was going well, but anytime there was a bit of silence you would say, “Oh… uh… shoot. There was something I was going to say, but I just forgot, I am sure it will come to me.” You know, you didn’t really have a thought; you just wanted to keep talking? This moment with Ryan reminds me of that. He is completely unprepared, but just wants one more last-second bit of face time with his main squeeze. Good effort, but missed the mark.

This action only infuriates the guys further, and in the end Ashley gives the rose to Ben F. and his stupid mural. Oh, the tortured life of an artist.

One-on-One Date #2

The date begins with Ashley expressing that she is ready to reconnect with Ames to hopefully get her heart back on track as her emotions are still tender after her loss of Bentley (is there a pattern here??). Ames begins jogging towards Ashley in what I anticipate will be the classic run/jump/twirl combo that is standard on The Bach series, but it is oddly stunted and turns into a weird hug. Boo.

We find out that Ames has been to Phuket a number of times, but never with a special lady. He is really looking forward to what this date will bring, and how many metaphors he’ll be able to use.

During their date, Ashley uses words like “witty” and “funny,” in what I feel is a pretty fast and loose fashion, to describe Ames. He tells her about his spontaneous side, claiming that “the last minute is the best minute,” to which Ashley replies, “You are cracking me up today!”

Ames: Thailand is so mysterious and romantic, like my relationship with Ashley…

The two set off into open waters and while on the front of the boat, Ashley makes a Titanic reference, which is an open invitation for some good old-fashion fondling. She leans against the boat and stretches out her arms saying “I feel like we’re in Titanic!” to which Ames dispassionately replies, “Hmm, yeah. I hope not.” Well, maybe they can fondle later.

Ames: These open waters are uncharted territory for me, just like the uncharted territory of my relationship with Ashley…

The two get sent off from the boat in a 2-person kayak. Ashley perches daintily on the front, while Ames paddles for the both of them. This allows her to have lots of face time with the camera looking wistful with her longing for love.

Ames: Navigating these beautiful caves is like navigating a new relationship…

OK, WE GET IT!

The two get comfortable on the beach area to share some scrumptious-looking Thai delights and discuss life, love, and other mysteries.

Ashley: So, what was your best first date
Ames: I met a girl at a shoe store.
Ashley: How’d that turn out?
Ames: Good, actually. We ended up dating… for… kind of a long time.
Ashley: Hmmm! (I HATE HER.)
Ames: So, what indefinable qualities are you looking for in a man?
Me: This is like asking what makes someone famous. That’s why they call it the X-Factor!
Ashley: I would have to say someone who is very devoted. That way I know they won’t ever leave me like Bentley, or hurt my feelings like Bentley, and will make me feel good like Bentley did. What about you?
Ames: I’m very spontaneous, so I want to be with someone who understands that and lets me do whatever I want, whenever I want, and won’t ever be upset when I decide to run with the bulls in Spain, or join the Peace Corps. It’s just who I am, so, they need to understand that.

Ashley continues her drapey off-the-shoulder Thailand fashion choices at dinner with Ames.

Ashley: You think we’re really similar?
Ames: I would say I know we’re similar.
Ashley: Really? In what way?
Me: Wait. What?
Ashley: I’ll start… we’re both nerdy.
Ames: Uh, speak for yourself.
Ashley: For example, I have an organized section of one of my closets filled with dental items. That’s what I call my nerd area.
Me: That’s what I would call work supplies
Ames: I have a whiteboard.
Ashley: OMG, we really are alike!

Ashley begins talking about kids and family, and you can see her eyes getting a little droopy; I can’t tell if it’s from affection or too much white wine. She tells Ames he is different from the other guys, which is not good or bad. To be honest, I don’t even know what that means. It must be the wine.

Ashley: So what do you need in a relationship?
Ames: I think it’s something you just feel.
Ashley: Exactly.

Oh yes, it is def the wine.

(Lisa: Totes.)

In the end, Ames gets a rose, and the relationship lives another day.

Ames: We didn’t kiss tonight, but we did something more intimate than kissing. We discussed very serious things.

(Lisa: Ames, we are men of action. Lies do not become us. Just admit that she’s not attracted to you.)

Rose Ceremony

Going into the rose ceremony, Ashley once again recounts her “dark place” from last week. She now informs America that thankfully she is in a slightly less dark place, but still somewhat of a dark place.

Ash grabs some one-on-one time with West the Widower, during which she corners him into saying sweet things about his departed wife, which in turn makes her uncomfortable: “The idea of filling the role of second wife is a bit too much pressure.”

I’ve got a guess who isn’t getting a rose…

Lucas and Ashley get a chance to chat one-on-one, and Ashley again brings up the “ex-files.” She questions the end of Lucas’ marriage and probes to find out if there are any residual feelings, good or bad.

Lucas: You know, I am always going to care about my ex-wife…
Me: And Ashley is no longer listening.
Ashley: (Ok, I’ll give him another chance.)
Lucas: …the love was gone, the passion was gone…
Me: And you just lost her again.
Ashley: Could that happen to us?!?
Lucas: …and my ex-wife was awesome…
Me: Dude! Just stop! Lucas…I feel as though you might be striking out tonight!

Blake and the other gents host an informal round-table and discuss how much they dislike Ryan. Blake determines that he needs to confront Ryan to let him know how other men in the house perceive his happy and positive attitude. The equation goes like this:

B ≠ R so, if A = R then B ≠ A. Got it?

Ryan is COMPLETELY taken aback by these allegations!

Blake: Your enthusiasm is off-putting.
Ryan: REALLY?!?
Blake: Ok, no, it’s more like your happiness is offensive.
Ryan: REALLY?!?
Blake: Ok, no… it’s --
Me: Just stop.

Ryan lets off some steam to the camera: “Man! I’m just really P.O.’d! What? You can’t handle the fact that I’m fricken’ happy a lot? I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m not grumpy. My bad.”

Ashley and Ryan get some one-on-one time that turns sour when she asks him why he is happy all the time. Come on, people! Can’t we just appreciate this man’s zest for life and call it good?! He’s just bursting with a lot of love in his chest (his words, not mine)!

C-Hare, enters with what seems to be a new dye job, and he takes Ashley aside to discuss the rose ceremony. Chris puts his arm around Ashley to usher her out, which she reciprocates and walks out as if she would be happy for the show to end right then and there, if she could pretend CH was her husband.

(Lisa: Ohhh, dear, sweet, Perky Dentist Ashley! Get in line behind all the other Bachelorettes who’ve come before you.)

The two get a chance to recap the week, Ashley’s broken heart that is still healing, and the guys she has been able to reconnect with. She admits to still being hung up on Bentley because she feels that the potential for them was SO great. She feels that she will never know what could have been.

Well, just wait until this airs. YOWZA!

CH reminds Ashley that there are guys who have chosen to be here, and they have stayed. Key word – STAYED! With a new lease on love, Ashley decides to give out an extra rose tonight. CH reminds Ashley a la Amy Poehler in Mean Girls that “there are no rules here. I’m not a regular host, I’m a cool host.”

And the roses go to:
Ames
Ben C
Ben F
Blake
Constantine
J.P.
Lucas
Mickey
Nick
Ryan
William

Coming Up…

Bentley is back. ‘Nuff said.

Kill me now!

Ok, Ok… THIS is why we watch :)

It has been my pleasure to post and I hope you enjoy!

Best,
Bonnie

a treat for my faithful readers

2011-06-10T21:53:00.007-04:00

I'm so grateful to have readers who are willing to rehash this mess of a show with me, and to show my gratitude, I've got a little treat for you! If you're like me, you may have been wondering what former Bachelor contestant and ex-future Mrs. Womack thinks about her biggest fan, Bentley.

Why don't we let her tell us herself:

And that's not all. Remember the lovable Ashley S., who was Dentist Ashley's BFF on The Bachelor until Brad was forced to split them up on a two-on-one date? Well, she's backing up her fellow Ashley with some biting words for Bentley and a special "bless your heart" for William too:

For more fun little extras, visit Warner Bros' Bachelor/Bachelorette site. Make sure you check out the deleted scene of Ashley roasting the guys at the Comedy Store (and her retort to William).

Also, I like this deleted scene sheerly for its WTF factor. I like to watch it pretending that this isn't footage from The Bachelorette, but just a home video depicting what any given day in Hollywood looks like.

Until next week, I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you, my dear readers, for stopping by and reading the recaps each week. Your comments and Facebook posts make the hours of watching and re-watching this trainwreck worthwhile! I wish I could float each and every one of you a soggy, chlorine-saturated chocolate doughnut.

Lisa ;)

the bachelorette week 3: the point of no return

2011-06-07T21:16:00.017-04:00

UPDATE: I realized today that I didn't include Blake the Dentist's entire joke, and since it was pretty much the only good one we saw, I wanted to do it justice...especially since the punchline was The Phantom's mild-mannered alter-ego. The full joke is now included.

I can't believe this is my last opportunity to make Phantom of the Opera jokes.

For this season, anyway.

Week #3 started out normally enough, as far as a week in the Bachelor Mansion goes with a masked man standing constant watch from one of the mansion's many, many balconies. Chris Harrison arrives to regurgitate his Sacred Rules speech from last week -- two one-on-one dates, one group date. He tosses the date card onto the living room table like a smoking hand-grenade before getting the H outta there.

The first one-on-one date goes to Bayou Ben, who is stoked to discover that he's getting his wish -- a dancing date!

Flashmobbed

Ashley whisks Ben away to a dance studio where they learn how to feel fly like a G6. Afterwords during a picnic at a very public outdoor mall, Ashley spontaneously decides that she and Ben should perform the dance he just learned.

"But...do we have any music?" Ben asks, confused.
"We don't need music!" scoffs Ashley.
"Won't that be kind of awkward...just dancing out here with no music?"
"Naaaaaahhh."
"Are you sure? Because I heard you had music to dance to during the Jabbawockeez date."
"Ughh, just do the dance with meeeee-uh!"

Ben, who is beginning to think Ashley is staunchly in favor of Cocoa Puffs, begrudgingly does as he's told. As he tries to keep in sync with Ashley, he notices that every single person in the mall seems to have brought his or her camera and is documenting the performance.

"Ashley, all these people are staring at us! They think we're crazy!"
"What?" Ashley shrugs. "Noooo. I'm sure they're all pointing their lenses at something else right in the center of the lawn."

All of a sudden, the onlookers ditch their Flip cams and join in the dance as "Like a G6" pops out over the loudspeakers. Lo and behold, Bayou Ben is being flashmobbed!

The best part about this is that Ben actually gets to be part of it, instead of standing there awkwardly and watching while everyone else has a good time without him. Ashley didn't cheat on him with choreography! (Which is good, because that is the worst kind!)

The flashmob is followed by a concert featuring Far East Movement. Ashley explains this is the group that sings "Like a G6," the song they just danced to. Uhh...totally. I definitely already knew that.

After being peer-pressured by the crowd to kiss, Ashley pretends to have fun jamming to the music with Ben, and I worry that our bayou boy won't get a rose tonight.

Later at dinner, Ben worries me more with all his talking; it turns out Ben has been planning his wedding since before he was born and would like to live in a bubble with the woman he loves. Ladies and gentlemen, this sounds very nice, but we 30 Rock viewers know the dangers of living in The Bubble:

What I do like about Ben is that he actually asks Ashley for a second date; for as stereotypically rom-com his actions may be, it's his realistic approach to the pursuit of a woman he's interested in that makes me officially a Bayou Ben fan. And it must be working for Ashley too; she gives him the date rose.

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived. Chi-Town Chris rips open the envelope and announces who will face the challenge of making Ashley laugh:

Ames
Ben the Wine Maker
Blake the Dentist
Chi-Town Chris
The Phantom
Texas Lucas
Nick
Ryan Sunshine
William
Bentley

At last week's rose ceremony, William went from confident to cocky. Today he goes from being cocky to being a...well, you know. Not only does he have the one-up on the rest of the guys thanks to his successful first date, but he's also known as the house funny guy, and he knows that making Ashley laugh will be small potatoes.

Meanwhile, Bentley makes it abundantly clear that his excitement to be on the group date has nothing to do with Ashley; he's just ready to pit himself against the other guys in competition again:

"It's all fun and games for me. Until someone gets hurt. And by someone, I mean Ashley. Because I'm going to hurt her. You get what I'm here for, right?"

Going in for the Kill

Ashley brings over a shiny stretch limo as group date transportation. The Phantom watches her arrival from the balcony above the driveway, contemplating how to get her alone so he can reveal his face to her once and for all. Ohhh, The Phantom. Haven't you figured out that this mask is the one thing keeping you here, thanks to the producers bribing Ashley with more dance-themed dates?

As soon as Ashley sets foot in the living room, The Phantom tries to get Ashley's attention, not unlike the class nerd attempting to ask the head cheerleader to prom:

"Hey! Ummm, hi! Hey, Ashley! Hi! Can I have a moment alone with you?"

Ashley takes a deep breath, casts longing "save me!" looks at Bentley and William, and agrees to follow The Phantom out of the living room.

This is the part of the show where I really hoped The Phantom would put Ashley in a boat in an underground river and show her all of his freaky little arts and crafts projects.

But he just took her to the pool deck. Yawn.

The Phantom launches back into his tired old speech about inner beauty. Ashley is not having it; she nods and tries to keep eye-contact while thinking, "uh huh, uh huh, yup, TAKE OFF THE MASK, YOU WEIRDO!"

Finally, The Phantom reaches up to pull off his mask, and I can't help singing, "THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RE-TUUUURRRRRNNN!"

And now, the reveal. Under the half-homemade, half-store-bought black mask is the perpetually-surprised looking face of The Phantom's mild-mannered alter-ego: Jeff.

Ashley now wishes she could wear the mask to hide how immensely underwhelmed she is. Fellow Dentist Blake describes her reaction perfectly:

"I feel like it's one of those things were someone says, 'I've got a surprise!' and then they open up the present, and there's not a whole lot inside."

I love that one of the guys asked The Phantom -- I'm sorry, Jeff -- if he felt his powers diminish once he took his mask off. I love even better that Jeff replies that he feels stronger.

Now that foolishness is over, Ashley herds everyone into the limo, which heads for the Comedy Store in Hollywood.

Jeff explains in a monotone voice that he is extremely excited:

Jeff: Comedy is right up my alley.
Lisa: Mmmmm... Really?
Jeff: Uhhh, totes! I go to comedy clubs like, all the time back in St. Louis. And you might not guess it, but behind that mask is some gutsy humor.
Lisa: Mmmmm... OK. We'll see.

The crew is greeted by Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross, who announces that tonight they'll be roasting the Bachelorette herself!

Terrible idea.

Or great idea, if you're into sadism. And the Bachelorette producers clearly are.

The guys are a little nervous when they realize they'll be roasting the very girl whose affections they're trying to win, but they relax when Jeffrey Ross tells them they're allowed to roast the panel as well.

Ames: Who's the panel?
Blake: Us, dude!
Ames: Ohhhh, right! I knew that. I went to Harvard. Cool! I already have, like, six mask jokes ready to go!

But Jeff is far from apprehensive about getting fun poked at him for his facial apparel choices.

"Whatever, it's not like I'm the only person in the house who makes ridiculous wardrobe choices. For example, see that guy over there? He's totally wearing...like...a Backstreet Boys outfit. GAME."

Blinded by the lights of Hollywood, William is taking a different approach. Forget hurting Ashley's feelings; he's going to pursue his life-long dream of being a stand-up comedian.

After ABC loads in their "sold-out" audience made up of the crew members' families, friends, and roommates, Jeffrey Ross introduces Ashley and the bachelors. Let the fun begin...

Lucas plays it safe by only roasting his fellow bachelors, taking aim at Ames' abnormally large forehead and Jeff's mask. Ryan the Sunshine Whisperer totally bombs, but Ames follows up with a cute impression of Jeff -- complete with a paper mask he made himself.

Jeff draws first blood from the Roastee side of the stage with a lame joke about Ashley's less-than-A-cups. Ben the Wine Maker's commentary is nothing short of beautiful:

"Oh man. You've had all of 15 minutes to talk to this girl and it's like, 'Boop! Here's my face; you have small tetons."

(Well, I'm pretty sure he said tetons. ABC bleeped it out, but I think that's what he said.)

In my opinion, Blake won the roast with the best-constructed joke: "Nick's got muscle. Take that away, and what do you get? Bentley. Take away Bentley's good looks, and you're left with Ames. You take away Ames' intelligence, and you get Ben. Take away Ben's Suave (I'm going to assume he meant the hair products), you get Chris. But take away Chris's height and you have William. Take away all of that, and you're just left with an old guy with no personality."

William shakes his head at all these pansies avoiding the true subject of the roast. Taking his place behind the podium, he fires three missiles in Ashley's direction -- you're used up; you're not Emily or Chantal; you have tiny boobs.

Three strikes; he's out. The crowd boos and Ashley mutters, "No rose for you," and William goes on the defensive:

"This is a roast! It's not Compliment Ashley Night!"

I've never seen a First Date contestant self-destruct so quickly.

As Ashley retreated backstage to sob, Michelle and I wrote three solid jokes for William, all having to do with getting married in Vegas on a first date. Come on, man.

Bentley rolls his eyes at William's bush league move:

"I mean, I totally agree with what William said, but I'm not gonna tell her that."

He goes to console Ashley -- again, making it crystal clear that he does not care about her feelings; he just sees this as an opportunity to mess with her head. I love that he doesn't even try to lie to Ashley about caring for her:

Ashley: I just can't believe that William said he wished Emily or Chantal was here!
Bentley: That...was said, wasn't it?
Ashley: I've been so worried that some of you guys were thinking that!
Bentley: Hey, let me tell you something -- out of the 25 guys who came here, at least 24 were glad it was you.

You, sir, are a sneaky bastard.

The after-party is a somber one, as Ashley's still nursing her wounded feelings. William apologizes to her for being completely inconsiderate. As he reaches the point of tears, I think there's going to be redemption here somewhere. But then William checks out completely, urging Ashley to seek comfort in the other guys because there's nothing he can do to make things better.

As Ashley reluctantly turns back toward the group, William takes a lonely walk down Sunset Boulevard. Ashley is so upset, she can't even concentrate on Jeff's story about his three-legged dog. But then Ryan Sunshine steps up and takes advantage of the situation William has so graciously laid out for him and the other guys. He showers Ashley with adoration, declares that she's the one he wanted here, flashes that 10,000 watt smile, and leans in for the kiss. Well. Done. Sir.

Armed with all this positive reinforcement, insecure little Ashley seeks out Bentley to confront him about the text messages she got from none other than last season's Crazy Michelle 2.0! Ashley explains to Bentley that she's been warned against his intentions, but Bentley gives the accusation the ol' one-two:

"Who'd you hear this from? Michelle Money? Well, Michelle is friends with my ex-wife, and...she's crazy."

Dangit! That was WAY too easy! Also, how do all these people who know each other keep ending up on this show?!

Ashley then confesses to Bentley that she's already falling in love with him and that if he left, it would basically ruin her entire life. Bentley responds with, "That's good to hear," and draws her in for a quick cuddle session before releasing her back to the other boys.

Thankfully the date rose goes to Ryan Sunshine who, though he may have bombed in the Comedy Store, definitely went in for the kill when it really counted.

Back at the mansion...

The second one-on-one date card arrives, and it's addressed to the ever-adorable J.P.! After reading the clue on the card, "There's no place like home," the rest of the guys ask J.P. what he thinks it means. J.P. steals our hearts with his simple response:

"I don't care! I'm going on a date!"

Elsewhere in the house, Bentley loudly clears his throat and begins packing his suitcase. Jeff sits on the edge of his bed like a kid watching his dad leave for an out-of-the-country business trip.

Jeff: Wha...whatcha doin?
Bentley: I'm packing up. Just packin' it on up.
Jeff: Wh...why?!
Bentley: Because I'm leaving, sport.
Jeff: Noooooo! Who's gonna keep me company in the bathroom while I'm pooping?
Bentley: Sorry, buddy. It's just time.

Bentley then parades his luggage into the living room and announces to the rest of the bachelors that he's going home. When they ask him why, he explains that he just misses his Cozy too much to stay any longer.

"You're a good dad, bro!" the guys say cheerfully. As he leaves, they slap him hard on the back so it's not completely obvious that they're actually pushing him out the door.

Bentley is oblivious to this; he takes the back-pats as a sincere sign that the other guys think highly of him and will actually miss him. And he loves that, because he's all about toying with people's trust and manipulating their feelings. And if you've forgotten that, just wait -- he'll tell you in no uncertain terms about seven more times tonight.

Last stop: Ashley's house. The editors have done just a beautiful job of splicing together every nice thing Ashley's said about Bentley in the past two weeks with every unflattering comment Bentley's made about Ashley, and they've laid it down as a voiceover that we listen to as we watch the smirky, smarmy Bentley stroll up to the door. Of course, Ashley is no stranger to this show, so she knows as soon as the doorbell rings that something is wrong.

As is custom, Bentley pulls Ashley in for her mandatory hug, and we can hear his heart beating over 200 times per minute through the squashed-together microphones they're wearing.

Ohhhh, WHERE is the Millionaire Matchmaker and her lie-detector test when you need it?!!

Bentley fills Ashley's brain full of lies about how he's leaving because he can't be away from his daughter any longer and how much he hates to leave Ashley while we continue to hear his voiceover tell us how repulsed he is that Ashley isn't taller and blonder and bigger-boobed and just Emily-er. Yet the entire time this is happening, he insists on being as close as possible to Ashley. I'm not sure if his backup plan is to just smother her to death, or if he's one of those animals that likes to play with their prey before devouring them. Either way, this whole thing is so sick and twisted that I have a hard time believing it's real.

As Ashley sobs into Bentley's chest, Bentley's voiceover describes to us how annoying, ugly, and grotesque it is to suffer through holding a girl while she cries.

OK, so go, already! If you can't stand it, what are you hanging around here for? Go on! Get! Scram! Shoo!

After making Ashley promise to reserve a place for him in her life with a made-up relationship status called "Dot, Dot, Dot," (also known as "It's Complicated" according to Facebook or "He's Just Not That Into You" according to my DVD collection) Bentley finally climbs back into the van in an L.A. rainstorm courtesy of After Effects and lets out an evil frat boy chuckle because he apparently accomplished his goal. What that goal was, I'm really not sure. Frankly, I'm utterly confused as to what his intentions were.

Glasses, Sweats, and a Little Whine

Poor J.P. really does have the worst luck; first he loses out on a one-on-one date thanks to a coin toss, and now he's got to follow Bentley's big exit. But J.P. isn't any old guy; he's been through the New York dating scene, and if it's anything like it's depicted on Sex and the City or How I Met Your Mother, he can handle this.

The man shows up with flowers, bless him. And though Ashley puts on a brave face for him, he quickly picks up on the situation. What this girl needs is some jammies, a glass of wine, and a shoulder to cry on.

Ashley changes into sweatpants and takes out her contacts, which are already over-saturated with tears and leaked mascara. Reappearing in her hot pink glasses, she shrugs, "This is me," and then exclaims, "What are you wearing?!" when she spots J.P. in a pair of plaid PJs.

"I dunno," J.P. says, "They're on loan from Harrison. Do you think I came up here with a pair of jammies in my back pocket?"

I have to admit I was worried that Ashley would totally shut down on our poor construction worker. But in his sweet, simple way, J.P. turns out to be just what the doctor ordered, and he gets the date rose. That-a boy!

Rose Ceremony

Ashley shows up the next night for her third rose ceremony. She is overcompensating for wearing sweats and glasses on national TV; tonight she's donned a tiny dress with oodles of sparkles, a giant necklace, and bright purple eyeshadow. But all the glitter can't hide how hurt Ashley still is from Bentley's departure.

Chris Harrison, sensing that this girl is two tears away from hopping a flight back to PA, puts on his dad hat and sits her down for a little chat.

CH: Ashley, why are you so upset.
Ashley: I just really wish Bentley wouldn't have left. I think...I think I love him.
CH: OK, sweetie. Let's talk through this. You've known this guy for, what, two weeks? I'm not saying I don't believe that you feel like you love him, but...was it really Bentley you loved, or just the idea of him?
Ashley: No, it was him! I think. No regrets! And he has feelings for me too--
CH: Mmm-hmmm... Did he tell you he was coming back? Because we haven't booked him a return flight.
Ashley: Well...no, but he said "Dot Dot Dot."
CH: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. "Dot Dot Dot?" That is such a guy thing to say.
Lisa: Preach it, C-Hare!!!
CH: If he were a real man, he would either stick it out and stay because he cared about you, or admit that it wasn't going to happen and leave it at that. Now suck it up, kiddo. You've got a bunch of non-jerks in that living room who are actually here because they want to date you. So dry it up and go get 'em. Rules, Schmules. Just skip the cocktail party. Go hand out some roses and stake your claim.

How awesome would this show be if it were co-hosted by Chris Harrison and Patti Stanger?

Roses go to:
Constantine (Ashley must still have that pink dental floss tied around her finger, because everyone else has forgotten about this dude)
West
Hey Mickey!
Ben the Wine Maker
Blake the Dentist
Nick
Ames and his forehead
Texas Lucas
and in an act of sheer grace, William.

Chi-Town Chris is pissed that he was edged out by a guy who acted like a selfish teenager at the Comedy Store. Jeff takes a moment to burn his mask before making his exit. Nice touch, ABC. Nice touch.

Coming Up...

As we start our trot around the globe, we're informed that the man-claws are coming out! Uh-oh!

Man-claws? Is that a thing? Is that what Wolverine calls them?

Until next time, don't forget -- we only roast the ones we love!

Lisa ;)